Halloween

I can't remember the last time i "dressed up" for Halloween. Must be going back at least a decade. The past 2 years i've gone out with some joke teeth and discarded them early on due to the sheer impracticality.

It's not like i've got a credible reputation i wish to keep in tact and by no means do i consider myself above this kind of thing, i simply haven't been arsed.

That all changes this year. I've decided to make the effort...There'll be none of that "nice mask mate" well unless i decide to go as someone in a Mask.....and it impresses someone.

One thing i've found bizarre is that i'd be lampooned for not getting into the "Halloween spirit" though this was often by someone dressed as Superman or something totally irrelevant to the Ghosts & Ghouls theme.

It now appears that any kind of costume is acceptable and i'm fine with that. I welcome the wider scope. Though oddly enough this just means that instead of everyone going as a Vampire they now decide to be Heath Ledger/The Joker.....and look shit.

It'd be insane to spend a fortune (anything over £10)on a costume for one nights wear and with that in mind i've compiled a shortlist of barely acceptable budget outfits....


Flavor Flav



Pros:
It'd cost fuck all. We'll have an old clock somewhere, them Viking hats cost peanuts and i could probably get away without having to buy any clothes.

Cons:
I'm 6'1 and it's not socially acceptable to "black up" these days

Mankind



Pros:
Again, it'd cost fuck all. I've got a white shirt some black joggers and a sock.

Cons:
Fashioning a mask and getting a curly wig.
Despite not having any street cred to lose i just don't think i could risk people thinking i'm into wrestling.

George/Kuato from Total Recall



Pros:
It'd be a nice tribute to one of my favourite films
It's quite original, can't see the Heath Ledger effect applying

Cons:
Getting a green jacket, shirt and baby doll for under £10
Attaching a baby doll to my torso.
Being a 24 year old male and buying a baby doll without looking and feeling like some kind of weird nonce at the checkout.

At the moment i'm leaning towards George/Kuato.

I suppose it'll be kind of poetic because whenever i approach a woman on a night out i'm used to seeing Total Recoil.

Note To Self

Try to ration your wages better in future.

This way you will avoid making humiliating trips to use the coinstar and the embarassment of putting £6 worth of petrol in your car in the hope that it'll last for 4 days.

Come on Michael.

The Perverted Green Bean

I know these have been out ages, but what is going on with that green bean?

Particularly on the Lemon and Cherry wrappers.

Filthy cunt.

What £40 doesn't look like

Found these on a market stall in Newcastle. 3 for £1.

It's bizarre to think that someone came up with the idea of fake currency bearing the image of Nicholas Lyndhurst.

I'm slightly disappointed in myself for buying them as well.

Films I've Been Watching

Batman Begins....Having A Shit

Batman Returns.....His Faulty Dildo To Ann Summers

Chicks With Dicks......On Their Heads

The Chronicles Of Red-Dick

Bill & Ted's Excrement Adventure

Right so the Tetley guys are back.......

...what do you want us to do?

Start buzzing?........Stop using Typhoo?

Obviously the creators have got a ridiculous sense of self worth only eclipsed by the writers of those dire BT adverts which follow the dreary relationship of "Adam" and "Jane"

I was astonished to learn that when the viewers were given the chance to vote on the next banal installment they had 1.6 Million responses with 72% voting for him to get her Preggers. Well i hope they're all happy.

It's ludicrous to think people have nothing better to do with their time.

Danny Dire

When Danny Dyer says "don't mug me off" what exactly does he mean?

All i can think is that it's something to do with wanking off into a cup.

After you've gone

Found an old e-mail i sent to the BBC ages ago. It's about the woeful Nicholas Lyndhurst "comedy" After you've gone

http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/ --------Original Message----------- >

Why is this show being repeated? It's absolutely dire and the fact that they've made 3 series' is mindbending. It was baffling enough that it was previously being aired in the 8:30 - 9:00 slot, which over the years has brought us the equally woeful, My Family, My Hero, All About Me, Parents of the band etc.

If anyone has missed it then couldn't they just watch it on the iplayer? Or they could just guess all the "gags" for themselves as they're so predicable. Surely it's time to stop churning out the same old tired sitcoms laden with pathetic jokes or this barren spell will never end.

Dear Mr Brown Thank you for your e-mail regarding 'After You've Gone'. I understand you're unhappy this programme is repeated. I note feel it and others such as 'My Family', 'My Hero' and 'All About Me' should not have been broadcast on a prime slot. I also note you believe viewers should catch up on BBC iPlayer if they've missed an episode. I realise you would new programmes with new writing. If I may I would like to take a moment to address your concerns. Audience figures and viewers' comments show that people welcome the opportunity to see programmes such as 'After You've Gone' they may have missed. It's also very much appreciated when viewers are given the opportunity to view past programmes that they thoroughly enjoyed the first time round. We aim to show repeats only where there is a genuine public interest and demand. That said, our repeats policy inevitably represents a compromise between different interests and is kept under constant review. We do make changes if we believe they're necessary in light of audience feedback. In catering to an audience of millions it's naturally difficult to produce a programme which every viewer enjoys, all the time. From the correspondence which we receive it's also clear that viewers opinions can and do vary considerably. The BBC do try to provide a wide range of programmes across our radio and television output that will be of interest to every section of our audience. However, I appreciate your feelings on this matter and I'd like to I can assure you that I have registered your comments on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC. Thank you again for contacting us with your concerns. Regards Gemma McCartan BBC Complaints

Think i'll send another soon about Eastenders but i don't know where to start.

What did the Football hooligans chant when they visited the cheese factory?

"Let's go fucking Emmental
Let's go fucking Emmental
naah, nah, nar nah!
naah, nah, nar nah!"