Brain teaser.......

When is a pile of twatty reject clothes accompanied by a spherical object, not a pile of twatty reject clothes accompanied by some spherical object?

when it's "the Guy" of course.

Yes it's getting to that time of year again where you can't casually stroll past Tesco -or anywhere with a doorway for that matter- without being pestered by a bunch of twatty kids to surrender a handful of change. We havent even had the "trick or treaters" yet and already the streets are awash with "Guys". Shameless begging season, made all the more tragic by the assumption that any money raised will later be spent on Pogs, footy stickers, yo'yo's etc. or am i out of touch?

Call me cynical but surely this kind of thing is tantamount to standard begging and therefore about as credible as going to your local fish shop and saying "just scraps please". Traditionally the money raised would be used to purchase fireworks but you have to be 18 to buy fireworks now anyway, so they're hardly keeping up tradition.

I'd rather see the money actually spent on said Guy. After all, they do claim to be collecting on his behalf. Some new trainers or a night on the town perhaps might do him some good, though on the other hand i don't think any amount of money could help solve the problems of a man made out of old rags.

Maybe i'm being harsh, maybe i'm just "having a go" to get away from my own problems, specifically the "what Halloween costume to wear" dilemma. Theres no way of winning. If i wear any kind of costume i'll be unable to pull it off and most likely just resemble a bell end in a cape. On the other hand if i wear no costume at all i will have to endure numerous cretins saying "nice mask" You know, the same type of tw@s who have stickers in their Renault Clios saying "my other car is a Jag" - Yeah sure it is mate, and my other life is one worth living.

The harsh reality is that i'll probably end up sat in watching some zombie horror porn dvds. I watched one last year and i was scared stiff.

You’ve got mail....unfortunately

So Ringo Starr has asked fans to stop sending him mail. Fair enough really but the video he posted was a bit much. He resembles an embarassing Dad who's just found out how to use a webcam/the internet, unwittingly embarassing himself and others in the process. Check out his use of the zoom at the beginning.

In his message he warns us that any mail sent with a date after the 20th of October will be "tossed" in which case i intend to mail a jiffi bag of salad on the 21st.

If only it were that simple to avoid your letterbox being violated. I'd have no qualms about posting a similar video if it ruled out any repeat chance of receiving what i did in January this year. It haunts me to this day and remains the single most offensive peice of mail i've ever had the misfortune of receiving.

On the 15th of said month i "celebrated" 22 years of relative tedium. However 3 days later i woke to find a flyer lying on the doormat which raped my eyes and sent waves of embarassment throughout my body.

Behold.....









Fortunately i was spared the further humiliation of my parents, or anyone else for that matter picking up the mail and thinking i was part responsible for its arrival.

I dont know how these companies get your details but there should be laws to stop them creating things like this.

It pretty much speaks for itself, though i feel i deserve the last word and such is my irritation im unable to peice the sentences together properly.

* "Back with a vengeance" i'm not aware of where i was supposed to have even gone. Though i suppose for the sake of the whole FHM vibe it was probably Aiya Napa or some other typical haven for bell ends who like "having a laugh" with "the laaads".

* The reverse was littered with embarassing offers including promises of free birthday cake and "celeb treatment" all night - It'd be a true mark of how tragically empty your life had become if you thought that sounded appealing.

* I hate the WKD adverts with a passion, so why would i walk into a live 3 hour version of one?

Financial Advice

I've been meaning to phone the bank to make sure my savings account is safe amidst all the financial bullshit thats been flying about.

However, rather than phone my local branch i decided to listen to some gangsta rap CD's. This proved invaluable as i came across some quite sound financial advice.

The following gems will no doubt help "all of y'all" stay out of the red.

1. Keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

2. Get Rich or die tryin'

3. Mo' money, mo' problems

I've decided to start blogging..

I thought well, Joe Bloggs so why can't i?

The above joke is probably reason enough for you to cease reading, delete me as a "friend" etc, but i don't mind if nobody reads this. It just feels good to type about various things and get a load of shit off my chest....

....not that i've been indulging in scat orgies or anything.