The Arsehole’s Guide To Grocery Shopping

Select a trolley upon your arrival at the supermarket and then proceed to fill it with the following items......

Little Britain DVD

Hard house trance rave mash up Nation CD

Microchips (big bag)

VK Ice x 8

WKD x 24

Sidekick x 8

Rustler Burgers x 4

Microwave curry x 4

Allday Breakfast in a can x 8

Nuts magazine

The Daily Star

etc.

A few other helpful tips

If you find the shopping experience tired and mundane then why not provide your own soundtrack to make it a bit more tolerable? Take out your mobile phone and play the latest 50 Cent "tune" with the volume set to maximum. This will allow as many shoppers as possible to be serenaded by the mumbling hip hop genius.

Make sure you walk around as slowly as possible. Especially when there are people trying to get past you. You might like to angle your trolley in such a fashion that it causes gridlock in the aisles.

You may wish to shop with a friend. If so, why not walk around reminiscing about the finer moments of your life? Like the time you couldnt find a Johnny round Chantelle's house and had to use a Mars bar wrapper instead. Or you could choose to debate which past holiday with "the lads" was best. Faliraki 2002 or Craig's stag weekend in Ibiza.....the one where everyone got Herpes off the rep.

Make a profound statement about politics and wow fellow shoppers with your extensive knowledge of current affairs. "We only went to war for the oil" always goes down well. Or you could try "Gordon Brown innit"

If the unthinkable happens and your son tries to place Weetabix in the trolley on the sly, you are best advised to create a scene. Call him an arsehole. Scream at him. Snatch the box of Weetabix out of his hands and shout "i'm not fucking Rockafeller" then replace the offending article with a box of Wheat 48 bisks. Be sure to quiz any onlookers about what theyre looking at.

Presuming on this occasion your not shoplifting make your way to the checkout. Once there, be sure to purchase a tenners worth of scratchcards and ask for a minimum of £50 cashback. Blow this money in the bookies later, then moan to anybody who will listen that your so skint and it's all because of the "credit crunch"

You massive anus.

There's probably a scientific word for it.

Hopefully i'm not alone in this but every now and then i find myself on the verge of carrying out an extremely illogical act only to then stop and think "what the fuck am i doing?" Far from being a new sensation, it's been happening infrequently for years. However recently i've became alarmed by the rate of these occurances.
last week there were 3 episodes.

1. After pouring milk on my malted wheaties (a poor man's shreddies) i proceeded to take a knife and fork out of the cutlery drawer before realising that i had overlooked the traditional spoon.

2. Having taken off my shoes, i then opened the fridge. After a long pause i realised that a fridge is no place for shoes.

3. While simultaneously preparing sandwiches and making a cup of tea i motioned to drop a slice of salami in the cup before realising my glaring error.

It's almost as if i'm wrestling with a split personality. An evil half out to ridicule me but i keep catching him in the act.

Hypocrisy at it's finest.

Over the years i've became used to looking in the mirror and feeling bitterly disappointed. I'm talking about the Daily Mirror of course.

Once again it's been so quick in taking the moral high ground that it's contradicted itself in the process.

The Mirror reported that David Norris' handcuffs gesture was such a disgrace and that the last thing the Peak family needed was to be reminded of the tragic incident, yet i somehow dont think they'd of been that aware of a goal celebration from an Ipswich town game without the mirror splashing it all over the front page.

bunch of cretins.

When it suits you eh?