The Arsehole’s Guide To Grocery Shopping

Select a trolley upon your arrival at the supermarket and then proceed to fill it with the following items......

Little Britain DVD

Hard house trance rave mash up Nation CD

Microchips (big bag)

VK Ice x 8

WKD x 24

Sidekick x 8

Rustler Burgers x 4

Microwave curry x 4

Allday Breakfast in a can x 8

Nuts magazine

The Daily Star

etc.

A few other helpful tips

If you find the shopping experience tired and mundane then why not provide your own soundtrack to make it a bit more tolerable? Take out your mobile phone and play the latest 50 Cent "tune" with the volume set to maximum. This will allow as many shoppers as possible to be serenaded by the mumbling hip hop genius.

Make sure you walk around as slowly as possible. Especially when there are people trying to get past you. You might like to angle your trolley in such a fashion that it causes gridlock in the aisles.

You may wish to shop with a friend. If so, why not walk around reminiscing about the finer moments of your life? Like the time you couldnt find a Johnny round Chantelle's house and had to use a Mars bar wrapper instead. Or you could choose to debate which past holiday with "the lads" was best. Faliraki 2002 or Craig's stag weekend in Ibiza.....the one where everyone got Herpes off the rep.

Make a profound statement about politics and wow fellow shoppers with your extensive knowledge of current affairs. "We only went to war for the oil" always goes down well. Or you could try "Gordon Brown innit"

If the unthinkable happens and your son tries to place Weetabix in the trolley on the sly, you are best advised to create a scene. Call him an arsehole. Scream at him. Snatch the box of Weetabix out of his hands and shout "i'm not fucking Rockafeller" then replace the offending article with a box of Wheat 48 bisks. Be sure to quiz any onlookers about what theyre looking at.

Presuming on this occasion your not shoplifting make your way to the checkout. Once there, be sure to purchase a tenners worth of scratchcards and ask for a minimum of £50 cashback. Blow this money in the bookies later, then moan to anybody who will listen that your so skint and it's all because of the "credit crunch"

You massive anus.