Wii are not amused...or at least, i'm not.

"I asked my son what he wanted for christmas and he said he wants a wii...

... i said you know where the toilet is"

Having to hear the above joke an obscene amount of times at work courtesy of a cretinous colleague isn't the only thing that riles me about the wii, It goes much deeper than that.

Cringeworthy adverts with the Redknapp family playing mariokart cause maximum distress. Presumably they're meant to portray a heartwarming family moment but they're just plain embarassing. I hope never to find myself in a situation where i utter the words "that's a spin attack coming your way Dad" I'm not sure hearing Louise announce "i love beating you" is in any way neccesary either. The only redeeming aspect is that one of the fitness games labels Jamie a "casual athelete" - one look at his career appearance stats confirms that.

It's a mystery why everyone seems hell bent on replacing actual activities with virtual bullshit. Deluded idiots who think theyre going to "get buff" simply by arsing around with the wii would do better getting a grip on reality rather than a joypad. Once the novelty wears off and they realise that - actually this isn't anything like real bowling/tennis/skiing/angling/etc, it will be thrown in the attic with the cross trainer (and fuck knows what else) and they will no doubt revert to their favourite excercises - watching TV, eating, drinking and wanking......simultaneously.

All too often my protests are countered by claims that "it's good family fun" or "a good laugh when you have a party" but it just isn't. The appeal of Guitar Hero in particular is mindbending. I thought "air guitar" was embarassing but at least there's no cost involved. It's saying something when the cast of the DFS Nickelback advert have got one up on you.

What makes it all the more baffling is the fact that you could buy a real guitar for the same price and actually achieve something. But wheres the fun in learning chords scales etc when you could just mash your fingers off 5 different coloured buttons like the massive talentless dildo head that you really are? Surely it's only a matter of time before it comes complete with a set of inflatable groupies with coloured coded tits, etc to help otherwise clueless cunts navigate their way around.

If you can't be arsed learning an instrument, chances are your equally non plussed by the prospect of going to acting classes. Fear not though because the game "You're in the movies" provides the perfect alternative. If the advert is anything to go by then the pinnacle of great cinema and fun is running on the spot while being chased by the most unconvincing of aliens. In it's defence it still looks better than being in any Will Ferrel film (and yes i am including "semi pro").

Finally the woeful DS advert in which Ronan Keating struggles to solve basic brain teasers deserves a mention. Its a shame i can't train my brain to switch off when shite adverts appear on screen.

T-Shirts...........The T Standing For Tosser

Mr Noisy, Mr Bump, Mr Tickle, Mr bell end who's more than happy to go along with the latest "ironic" craze, Mr scene following Cretin, Mr i've still got my Leeds wristband on from 1000BC, therefore i'm the coolest dude in all the land, Mr i chose this one because it's the one that represents my character most accurately.

etc.

A Semi Self Inflicted Awkward Moment

Sunday. The day of rest. Or as yesterday proved, the day of being made to feel like an absolute bell end for feasting on low budget cuisine.

Halfway through wrapping some christmas presents in my room, i decided to get some dinner. Due to my limited culinary skills i found myself once again torn between a pot noodle and a bacon sandwich. After a lot of soul searching i opted for the former and with a little help from the illustrations on the side of the packaging i was back in my room and ready to "chow down" within a few minutes.

After splashing soy sauce on the wrapping paper i thought better than to multi-task and so left the present wrapping until i'd finished the nutricious snack. I was now sat cross legged in the middle of my room with the door closed eating a pot noodle. There's no denying what a pathetic scene it was but who cares, nobody could see me.

That care free attitude lasted all of 2 minutes when suddenly the window cleaner appeared. I'd not experienced embarassment like it since viewing a 30 second snippet of the latest Nicholas Lyndhurst "comedy". Why he was working on a Sunday still gets me.

Darting out of the room didn't seem appropriate at the time and so i found myself adopting a sort of statue like stillness as if confronted by a T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Though rather than quaking at the prospect of being eaten alive i was instead terrified that the man may try to force some kind of interaction, perhaps by tapping on the glass and saying something like "having your dinner?" or "I like the beef ones"

Having suddenly became an exhibit in a museum of tedium, there was little i could do but watch my dignity fly out of the very window he was cleaning. Given that he's probably caught a glimpse of far more exciting things over the years i felt like a bit of a let down and couldnt help but think that i'd later be ridiculed by him when he challenges his family to "guess what i saw at work today"

After what seemed like an eternity he eventually climbed back down his ladder and the ordeal was over. I can't help but feel that we both came away thinking "oh well at least i'm not him"