I try to avoid watching shows like Britains got talent, though sadly i don't own the TV in our house.
The show is only in it's 3rd series and already it's gone stale. This is mainly due to it sharing the same formula as the X-factor, pop idol etc. i.e. it’s mildly entertaining in the early rounds watching the woeful acts have their dreams shattered with a few deadpan put downs courtesy of the judges thrown in for good measure. Even then it’s hardly TV gold, a fact acknowledged by the constant revamping of the format and the soap opera-esque sub plot of fallout between judges and empty threats to walk away from the show all in a pathetic attempt to keep the viewers interested.
As much as i dislike him i can see the merit in having Simon Cowell on the panel but it seems unjust that anyone’s dreams of stardom should be decided by a smug bell end like Piers Morgan. And what’s with Amanda Holden? What qualifies her to judge anything?...........besides a humiliating Les Dennis contest?
The prize for winning BGT is the chance to perform for her majesty the Queen at the royal variety performance. This however Is definitely not the "top prize" as it’s almost guaranteed that everyone in the top 3 will enjoy flash in the pan success and make a fortune off the back of short term public interest, in other words until the next series starts and we get a fresh batch of instant celebs.
Last week we were introduced Susan Boyle. Far from being glamorous she couldn’t of looked any less talented if she tried. As she announced to the judges she was an unemployed 48 year old “never been kissed” aspiring singer from Scotland you could have forgiven them for thinking “Oh for absolute fucking fuck sake!”
It seemed strange that the judges didn’t criticise her appearance as they so frequently do with the contestants on X-factor. So often we’ve seen contestants told they need to change their image and get lectured on the importance of “star quality” so why wasn’t Susan given the same treatment? Because her unique appearance and background story will prove to be a great selling point in itself, especially if they edit the programme just right - enough clips of the judges gawping in hammed up amazement, emotional background music etc.
Why didn’t she appear on X factor anyway? Surely she’d of been well suited to a singing competition. Probably because she’d of damaged the credibility of the show in a similar way that much maligned overweight singing sensation Michelle McManus did on Pop idol. Co-incidence that the show was put on hiatus after she won the final and went on to achieve minimal chart success? (besides the obligatory #1 debut single of course)
Now it seems that the beautiful freaks are to be wheeled out on Britain’s got talent where it’s acceptable to be unorthodox. Further hypocrisy from the judges is evident throughout the series as they will regularly reject an act and justify it by saying “do you think the royal family would want to watch this?” yet in most instances they give the thumbs up to the most tedious of acts such as the camp ginger kid from last year who performed a dire stand up routine including a thoroughly embarrassing impression of Joe Pasquale http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSfIVFTrLBk&feature=related
Anyway.... Susan took to the stage and we all know what happened next but i still can’t get my head around the level of recognition she’s getting. If this had of been stars in their eyes she’d of received routine praise from Matthew Kelly and maybe made the front page of her local paper on a slow news day. That’d of been fair enough but sadly it won’t suffice these days. This is 2009 and it’s no longer possible to win a gameshow without having your picture splashed across the papers, appearing in Heat magazine and becoming a role model for cretins all over the UK.
With the nation apparently in need of a lift following the demise of Jade Goody, countless mentions of the “credit crunch”, “carbon footprints” and other tabloid buzz word bullshit this is an easy feel good story for the media to go with and one which looks set to become equally as irritating as they milk it for all it’s worth.
Having decided to avoid buying newspapers largely due to their predictable and often intelligence insulting content I’ve little to go on as far as published stories are concerned, though on Saturday in Specsavers i noticed one of the tabloids in the waiting area had the headline “Susan Boyle has been kissed” ...Well fuck me.
At work I overheard idle gossip including claims that she’d previously been turned away from an audition for Michael Barrymore’s “My kind of people” (I’ll leave you to add your own his kind of people gag) To me this doesn’t reflect her having stuck at it and improved, gaining recognition against the odds. It just reflects how much the general public have debased in recent years. Obsession with reality TV and celebrity, being gullible enough to fall for deceptive editing and eating up whatever the tabloids are serving. It’s absolutely pathetic. Robots just waiting to be told what to get a hard on over.
It’s all just hype over content. Take past winner Paul Potts for example. He went on to release an opera album which reached number one in the UK album chart. I wonder how many of the people who bought this album have actually listened to it. And i mean right the way through, not just skipping to his version of “you raise me up” How stupid are these people? Oh well i’m not really into opera but i liked him on Britain’s got talent and he deserves to do well so i’ll pay a tenner for his album then moan 2 minutes later that i’m hard up and the “credit crunch” is “biting” There’s £10 worth of groceries you’ve fucked yourself out of so don’t moan about it dickhead. These fucking goons need to get a grip.
Call me a glutton for punishment but i couldn't help taking a peek at the wall posts on her facebook fan page (26,000 members and counting) For some reason i thought it’d be amusing to see how carried away these idiots were getting. How wrong I was. It was actually quite tragic. 90% of the posts are lectures from holier than thou jizzheads warning us to never judge a book by it’s cover, the rest was typical shite about being moved to tears and mind numbing debate about whether or not she should have a makeover. I was initially going to post the top 20 idiotic/tragic/typical statements but I literally started feeling sick and thought it would be unhealthy to continue trawling through them so here’s a Jeremy Beadle size handful..............
Kelly Niles wrote
at 3:50am on April 19th, 2009
This is another example of never judging a book by it's cover. Your performance was amazing...I was brought to tears! – Nah, far better to judge Susan Boyle to be the greatest singer ever based on her cover of I dreamed a dream. Incidentally i was almost brought to tears and that’s not a compliment.
James McGuire wrote
at 7:54am yesterday
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” - Profound words, this guy sounds intelligent.......either that or he’s just a poor man’s Oscar Wilde rehashing old bullshit over the internet
Sue Williams wrote
at 11:58am on April 19th, 2009
goose bumps all over when she started singing. amazing voice. best I have heard since Paul Potts. - Fuck off
Elaine Kneller wrote
at 11:08am on April 19th, 2009
What a remarkable lady.... the beauty of her voice transports the listener to another world.... keep up the good work Susan. – Presumably a world fast approaching apocalypse
So there we go, not so much Britain's got talent, more Britain's got a population largely consisting of idiots.
Monday 27 April 2009
Monday 13 April 2009
A Shit Combination
Weather's nice. Think i'll wear a t-shirt.
Actually it's quite cold, better put this scarf on as well.........then go to a club.
Actually it's quite cold, better put this scarf on as well.........then go to a club.
Thursday 9 April 2009
Getting on my optic nerves
After 2 months of recurring eye infections i am now sick of the sight of Specsavers "Oh the irony"
Another appointment is scheduled Saturday and like a true speccy cunt i will be collecting a new pair of glasses Wednesday.
I find the process of buying glasses largely irritating, from the moment you walk in and have to choose which of the 5,000 reception desks to approach, right down to the tedium of choosing which colour case you want.
I have a bit of a thing about hygeine and so when faced with having to touch something that thousands of the public have already touched it can get a bit much. An eye test requires one to "just pop your chin on the rest" i'd rather pop a cap in my own ass. Paranoia often has me convinced that the last customer with their chin on the rest has been indulging in a sordid act before their test resulting in shit or jizz dribbling down their chin and so after most visits to the opticians i will wash my chin furiously upon returning home.
The test itself is quite bland and there's a good reference to it in an episode of Family Guy where i think Peter expresses his disappointment with fictional Disney film "Jafar may need glasses"
A common flaw i've noticed is that they tend to use the same sheets so you'll see for instance ......
A F V C
......and you'll be able to read it no bother... but then later you'll see
A F V C
and you'll know it says A F V C but only because you saw it in massive letters a few seconds ago. They should use a different set of letters so it's not already in your mind
Maybe difficult to convey via blog but i know what i mean. Bottom line is the test is boring...and flawed, anyway once your through with this you can checkout the "cool frames"
I recently discovered that you can try on different frames online and as this meant avoiding wearing glasses that thousands of other people (possibly scat fetishists who may have had faeces behind their ears) have worn, i thought i'd upload my picture and give it a go.
This online feature also meant you can be a bit daring and try on daft ones that you may be too embarassed to try in store (although no matter what you choose you're going to look like a speccy prick). Also you don't have to wait for the mirrors to free up and have the inconvenience of people getting in your way or staff asking if you need any assistance.
If for some reason you don't have any pictures to upload it gives you the option of using a default one from a list. There's 12 different faces available including 4 varieties of "rectangular" 3 "oval", 3 "round" and 2 "square". I don't see the sense in this really as none of the people on it look remotely like me. Supposing i reckoned i had a square head then i'd have to use a picture of a 50 something woman or a black man in his late 20's, neither of which would really give an accurate depiction of whatthey'd look like on me.
All the glasses have daft names like "Clint" "Harold" "Martin" etc, it seemed somewhat surreal scrolling through the catalogue. As if we were living under a dictatorship and being assigned a certain look. Thankfully though we live in a democracy, as i didn't care much for the "Michael" and so now on wednesday i will become the embarassed and ashamed owner of a pair of "Clint's"
Another appointment is scheduled Saturday and like a true speccy cunt i will be collecting a new pair of glasses Wednesday.
I find the process of buying glasses largely irritating, from the moment you walk in and have to choose which of the 5,000 reception desks to approach, right down to the tedium of choosing which colour case you want.
I have a bit of a thing about hygeine and so when faced with having to touch something that thousands of the public have already touched it can get a bit much. An eye test requires one to "just pop your chin on the rest" i'd rather pop a cap in my own ass. Paranoia often has me convinced that the last customer with their chin on the rest has been indulging in a sordid act before their test resulting in shit or jizz dribbling down their chin and so after most visits to the opticians i will wash my chin furiously upon returning home.
The test itself is quite bland and there's a good reference to it in an episode of Family Guy where i think Peter expresses his disappointment with fictional Disney film "Jafar may need glasses"
A common flaw i've noticed is that they tend to use the same sheets so you'll see for instance ......
A F V C
......and you'll be able to read it no bother... but then later you'll see
A F V C
and you'll know it says A F V C but only because you saw it in massive letters a few seconds ago. They should use a different set of letters so it's not already in your mind
Maybe difficult to convey via blog but i know what i mean. Bottom line is the test is boring...and flawed, anyway once your through with this you can checkout the "cool frames"
I recently discovered that you can try on different frames online and as this meant avoiding wearing glasses that thousands of other people (possibly scat fetishists who may have had faeces behind their ears) have worn, i thought i'd upload my picture and give it a go.
This online feature also meant you can be a bit daring and try on daft ones that you may be too embarassed to try in store (although no matter what you choose you're going to look like a speccy prick). Also you don't have to wait for the mirrors to free up and have the inconvenience of people getting in your way or staff asking if you need any assistance.
If for some reason you don't have any pictures to upload it gives you the option of using a default one from a list. There's 12 different faces available including 4 varieties of "rectangular" 3 "oval", 3 "round" and 2 "square". I don't see the sense in this really as none of the people on it look remotely like me. Supposing i reckoned i had a square head then i'd have to use a picture of a 50 something woman or a black man in his late 20's, neither of which would really give an accurate depiction of whatthey'd look like on me.
All the glasses have daft names like "Clint" "Harold" "Martin" etc, it seemed somewhat surreal scrolling through the catalogue. As if we were living under a dictatorship and being assigned a certain look. Thankfully though we live in a democracy, as i didn't care much for the "Michael" and so now on wednesday i will become the embarassed and ashamed owner of a pair of "Clint's"
Tuesday 10 March 2009
Red Face Day
I'm not really into superstition but i'm not looking forward to this friday the 13th. The reason being because it's Red Nose day.
This year's theme is "do something funny for money" quite ironic really as most of the "comedians" associated with comic relief haven't done anything remotely funny for years and have made shitloads of money. Some of their careers rely on RND. When else do we see Lenny Henry on tv? apart from those travel lodge adverts - "I've found something small time" would that be your fanbase Lenny?
I won't deny that it's a good cause but i thought the idea was to raise money and a few laughs along the way. It's a mark of how bad things have got when the various dance routines and tired sketches are actually more depressing than the footage of the homeless and starving themselves. Jo Brand anyone? Jo Brand performing a dance routine as Britney Spears? Who really wants to see Jo Brand as Britney Spears? Who wants to see fucking Jo Brand at all?
Shit like Tony Blair asking the key question "am i bovvvered" (that was embarassing just to type) maybe it's all just part of a massive scheme. The BBC churning out years worth of excruciating viewing on purpose only for Richard Curtis to come out and say ok, everyone pays a tenner and we cease the shit sketches. If this is the case then i'd be more than happy to do so.
Basically if they had some decent stuff on then they could raise a lot more money, which is what it's all about at the end of the day. Shit content - people are going to switch it off and thus become less likely to donate. It's a bit like me opening a cake stall with all proceeds going to charity but then only selling cakes made out of flour, gravel and used condoms.
There will no doubt be the usual predicatble events taking place up and down the country, Dave in Exeter sitting in a bath of economy baked beans for 24 hours, office staff nationwide making tits out of themselves, red noses falling off after 2 minutes, embarassing wigs..... i'm struggling to think what else goes on but luckily the BBC web page is jam packed with ideas.
Here's a few of them..........
Wear something funny - Spend the day in your pyjamas, dress as your favourite comedy character or put your clothes on back to front get sponsored to do it on your own or do it en masse with colleagues or classmates and charge everyone to join in. - Yea, i'll pay the few pounds but i think i'll be fine in my shirt and tie, next...
Wax it - Your chest, your legs, your back, if it's hairy, get sponsored and get it waxed for cash - How original, the laughs will soon cease when some fat twat takes advantage and gets himself a free back sack and crack wax
Zip It!
Get sponsored to keep shtum for a day. You might be surprised how much your family or colleagues will cough up in order for you to keep quiet! - My favourite idea of them all. Working in a crowded office silence is golden, even if they just went a day without talking about Strictly come dancing
Jail break - Get sponsored to compete against friends or colleagues to get as far away from your university or workplace as you can on the smallest budget possible. - The laughs will soon dry up when you return to work to find your P45 waiting on your desk
Watch something funny - Invite your mates round and watch some classic comedy films. Charge for the comfiest seats and sell refreshments. - What? watch a DVD? what about all them class sketches you had lined up for us on BBC? Now your saying not to bother with them? But the teaser adverts looked hilarious.
p.s. For anyone interested in buying some cake i will be selling them down an abandoned mineshaft in Wales at £50 a slice.
This year's theme is "do something funny for money" quite ironic really as most of the "comedians" associated with comic relief haven't done anything remotely funny for years and have made shitloads of money. Some of their careers rely on RND. When else do we see Lenny Henry on tv? apart from those travel lodge adverts - "I've found something small time" would that be your fanbase Lenny?
I won't deny that it's a good cause but i thought the idea was to raise money and a few laughs along the way. It's a mark of how bad things have got when the various dance routines and tired sketches are actually more depressing than the footage of the homeless and starving themselves. Jo Brand anyone? Jo Brand performing a dance routine as Britney Spears? Who really wants to see Jo Brand as Britney Spears? Who wants to see fucking Jo Brand at all?
Shit like Tony Blair asking the key question "am i bovvvered" (that was embarassing just to type) maybe it's all just part of a massive scheme. The BBC churning out years worth of excruciating viewing on purpose only for Richard Curtis to come out and say ok, everyone pays a tenner and we cease the shit sketches. If this is the case then i'd be more than happy to do so.
Basically if they had some decent stuff on then they could raise a lot more money, which is what it's all about at the end of the day. Shit content - people are going to switch it off and thus become less likely to donate. It's a bit like me opening a cake stall with all proceeds going to charity but then only selling cakes made out of flour, gravel and used condoms.
There will no doubt be the usual predicatble events taking place up and down the country, Dave in Exeter sitting in a bath of economy baked beans for 24 hours, office staff nationwide making tits out of themselves, red noses falling off after 2 minutes, embarassing wigs..... i'm struggling to think what else goes on but luckily the BBC web page is jam packed with ideas.
Here's a few of them..........
Wear something funny - Spend the day in your pyjamas, dress as your favourite comedy character or put your clothes on back to front get sponsored to do it on your own or do it en masse with colleagues or classmates and charge everyone to join in. - Yea, i'll pay the few pounds but i think i'll be fine in my shirt and tie, next...
Wax it - Your chest, your legs, your back, if it's hairy, get sponsored and get it waxed for cash - How original, the laughs will soon cease when some fat twat takes advantage and gets himself a free back sack and crack wax
Zip It!
Get sponsored to keep shtum for a day. You might be surprised how much your family or colleagues will cough up in order for you to keep quiet! - My favourite idea of them all. Working in a crowded office silence is golden, even if they just went a day without talking about Strictly come dancing
Jail break - Get sponsored to compete against friends or colleagues to get as far away from your university or workplace as you can on the smallest budget possible. - The laughs will soon dry up when you return to work to find your P45 waiting on your desk
Watch something funny - Invite your mates round and watch some classic comedy films. Charge for the comfiest seats and sell refreshments. - What? watch a DVD? what about all them class sketches you had lined up for us on BBC? Now your saying not to bother with them? But the teaser adverts looked hilarious.
p.s. For anyone interested in buying some cake i will be selling them down an abandoned mineshaft in Wales at £50 a slice.
Monday 9 February 2009
Further evidence of the general public being generally irritating.
After another installment of office mundanity i faced the ever daunting prospect of riding on a packed bus full of "other people" to get home.
Not too much to endure i suppose. People have been through worse. But it'd be so much easier if the bus was empty...........or was a taxi.......without the driver.
It certainly doesn't help matters when some obese fool thinks she defies gravity in some way and therefore doesn't need to hold onto the hand rail. Not surprisingly as soon as the bus set off again she hurled forward right into my chest, much to the amusement of the other passengers.
Sadly her friend thought further humiliation was due and quipped "She's fallen for you" prompting titters from several dildo headed passengers who somehow deemed it to be funny, when it was anything but.
It just doesnt make any sense. So i'm stood there, all twelve stone of me - which is about right for a 6,1" chap - balanced almost perfectly and holding the rail (albeit in an unorthadox fashion due to mild OCD) and somehow when an overweight idiot loses their balance i become the figure of ridicule. How does that work?
I'd like to think i'm dignified in my public falls. Humble, embarassed and apologetic but no doubt if i tried to crack jokes and revel in the limelight like some over bearing tit, i'd be jeered by a set of non plussed passengers and ordered to get off at the next stop by the driver.
But i suppose titheads love a tithead.
Not too much to endure i suppose. People have been through worse. But it'd be so much easier if the bus was empty...........or was a taxi.......without the driver.
It certainly doesn't help matters when some obese fool thinks she defies gravity in some way and therefore doesn't need to hold onto the hand rail. Not surprisingly as soon as the bus set off again she hurled forward right into my chest, much to the amusement of the other passengers.
Sadly her friend thought further humiliation was due and quipped "She's fallen for you" prompting titters from several dildo headed passengers who somehow deemed it to be funny, when it was anything but.
It just doesnt make any sense. So i'm stood there, all twelve stone of me - which is about right for a 6,1" chap - balanced almost perfectly and holding the rail (albeit in an unorthadox fashion due to mild OCD) and somehow when an overweight idiot loses their balance i become the figure of ridicule. How does that work?
I'd like to think i'm dignified in my public falls. Humble, embarassed and apologetic but no doubt if i tried to crack jokes and revel in the limelight like some over bearing tit, i'd be jeered by a set of non plussed passengers and ordered to get off at the next stop by the driver.
But i suppose titheads love a tithead.
Friday 23 January 2009
The 63: stopping at - Depression Drive, Anguish Avenue & Tedium Terrace
2009.
If old sci-fi films were anything to go by then we'd all be driving round in flying cars and have robot butlers taking care of our every need.
Maybe scientists/engineers etc got lazy somewhere down the line, but at present these wonders seem a world away. In fact reality seems almost stoneage in comparison, public transport being one of the best examples.
After doing this to my car.....
..I'm now forced to travel to work on the 63. And not the Apollo 63. Just a fucking awful bus.
Never before has travelling to work been more depressing. In as little as 3 weeks i've experienced all the usual cliches. Twats who will stand at a bus stop for 15 minutes and then be taken by surprise when it arrives and be unable to locate any money. The general low budget feel when you look down the aisle and see the frayed mish mash upholstery littered with used tickets etc. Fearing that the horrorshow passenger that has just got on, will sit next to you. Wondering what kind of horrors have previously occupied the seat your in. Deafening yourself with your MP3 to drown out the inane schoolgirl babble all around you. Getting seated on the "engine seat" thus being subjected to a ridiculous back massage every time the bus pulls over. The genuine sense of hatred that builds up every time someone flags the bus over because they're slowing you down. uuuhhhhhrrrrrrrr
During the first week of my reunion with public transport, i bought a return ticket to avoid unnecessary tedious interaction with the driver on the return journey. This flawless plan was however ruined by a momentary lapse in sanity when i put the ticket in the used tickets box as i got off. The humiliation had only just begun...
This week i suffered the further indignity of running to catch the bus but failing miserably and seeing it ride off into the sunset. I was then forced to run around the back of Tesco to make it look like i wasn't actually running for the bus, in a bid to save face.
If old sci-fi films were anything to go by then we'd all be driving round in flying cars and have robot butlers taking care of our every need.
Maybe scientists/engineers etc got lazy somewhere down the line, but at present these wonders seem a world away. In fact reality seems almost stoneage in comparison, public transport being one of the best examples.
After doing this to my car.....
..I'm now forced to travel to work on the 63. And not the Apollo 63. Just a fucking awful bus.
Never before has travelling to work been more depressing. In as little as 3 weeks i've experienced all the usual cliches. Twats who will stand at a bus stop for 15 minutes and then be taken by surprise when it arrives and be unable to locate any money. The general low budget feel when you look down the aisle and see the frayed mish mash upholstery littered with used tickets etc. Fearing that the horrorshow passenger that has just got on, will sit next to you. Wondering what kind of horrors have previously occupied the seat your in. Deafening yourself with your MP3 to drown out the inane schoolgirl babble all around you. Getting seated on the "engine seat" thus being subjected to a ridiculous back massage every time the bus pulls over. The genuine sense of hatred that builds up every time someone flags the bus over because they're slowing you down. uuuhhhhhrrrrrrrr
During the first week of my reunion with public transport, i bought a return ticket to avoid unnecessary tedious interaction with the driver on the return journey. This flawless plan was however ruined by a momentary lapse in sanity when i put the ticket in the used tickets box as i got off. The humiliation had only just begun...
This week i suffered the further indignity of running to catch the bus but failing miserably and seeing it ride off into the sunset. I was then forced to run around the back of Tesco to make it look like i wasn't actually running for the bus, in a bid to save face.
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