Today i was approached by an animal rights activist with a clipboard. Moments earlier i'd been collared by some bloke from "love film" and fended him off by saying "don't watch films mate" It felt good.
I was now on a roll. And having clocked these animal rights pests early on i had plenty of time to think up a witty remark for when the inevitable happened. I saw the guy approaching and had decided on my line with plenty of time to spare.
Him: "Hi, i'm from the NSPCC have you got a moment?"
Me: "Sorry mate, i'm into Badger baiting so it'd be hipocrisy for me to donate to you"
at which point i thought - shit NSPCC is a childrens charity - It was too late. I was already being subjected to a look of disgust and confusion.
Me: "Oh wait, i thought you were animals"
There was an awkward pause. I don't know what was going on in my head but for some reason i didn't walk away. Just stood and listened to him bang on about how i wouldn't miss £2 a month and how it could mean saving them from folding in 6 months time. Squirming through his guilt trips.
Need to remember my Mp3 next time i'm out. Nobody bothers you in headphones.
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Saturday 14 August 2010
Actually..
Scratch that last post.
There's something tragically wrong when you find yourself sat eating a pot noodle in a car and thinking up sick games for a proposed relaunch of the Crystal Maze.
At some point in the last 24 years i must of taken a wrong turn. My lifestyle is dire and i can't change it.
There's something tragically wrong when you find yourself sat eating a pot noodle in a car and thinking up sick games for a proposed relaunch of the Crystal Maze.
At some point in the last 24 years i must of taken a wrong turn. My lifestyle is dire and i can't change it.
Friday 13 August 2010
Howard Carter eat your heart out.
Today i made an amazing discovery on my dinner break.
It turns out that the cup holder in my car is wide enough to hold a Pot Noodle.
This paves the way for exciting new opportunities in dining.
It turns out that the cup holder in my car is wide enough to hold a Pot Noodle.
This paves the way for exciting new opportunities in dining.
Monday 9 August 2010
Things i'd like to see happen on the Crystal Maze
An episode of the Crystal Maze where one of the contestants gets locked in. Then when the camera cuts back to him he's sat furiously masturbating.
An episode of the Crystal Maze where the captain keeps picking himself to do all the games. He's shit and doesn't actually win any crystals but each time Richard O'Brien asks him who's playing he says something like "i think i'm getting better" and then elects himself to play.
An episode of the Crystal Maze where the captain keeps picking himself to do all the games. He's shit and doesn't actually win any crystals but each time Richard O'Brien asks him who's playing he says something like "i think i'm getting better" and then elects himself to play.
Monday 2 August 2010
Merrick Elbow AKA Bursatitis
On Saturday i woke up only to find out that this had happened in my sleep....
It fucking knacked and actually got bigger but by then i wasn't in the mood for pictures anymore. I'd assumed it was a delayed reaction to a knock i might of taken in 5-a-side on friday and just took painkillers.
After struggling through saturday i eventually sought medical help and went to the "drop in" centre on Sunday. A short wait and a £14.40 bill for antibiotics later i was back home in time to catch the end of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. After sitting for ten minutes with my brother branding Quasimodo an ugly bastard and picking apart the plot it suddenly dawned on me that i wasn't really in the position to be mocking freaks. But so fuck, he's still a horrible cunt. That bit at the end where he comes out the tower and everones just looking at him is crackers. He'd clearly be stoned to death. Also i'd always thought the story ended in him marrying Esmeralda for some reason. She actually ends up with some He-man lookalike. Maybe she saw Quasi's inner beauty but couldn't see past his mangled dick. Man, I've watched so much shit i'd never usually dream of these last few days.
So yea, on the evening i developed a fever and started shivering loads so decided to go to A&E. Here i was rapped by the nurse first for not coming in sooner and then for my choice of clothing. "Is there any reason you're wearing a jumper in the middle of summer" - Yea because i'm fucking shivering. I didn't say that of course. Just accepted my fate.....a gown.
Suddenly the "dignity in care" posters seemed quite ironic. There were definitely sniggers as i sat back down in the waiting area. Further misery was added when the guy next to me began banging on to another patient about his computer skills and wowing her with talk about microsoft excel. I seem to be a magnet for boring computer nerds. My head was banging and i was dying to tell him to fuck off. I later felt bad for thinking he was a dick after he asked "are you ok mate?" Indeed it's actually quite nice the feeling of camaraderie between fellow patients, then you'll just get some dick coming in drunk and mouthing off. The staff do an excellent job under difficult circumstances. I overheard one story about a guy coming in and riding round the ward on a BMX : /
It's been nice having time off work and as i mentioned earlier I've watched loads of TV. Still can't handle Jeremy Kyle like but it's mint just chilling out and watching about 10 episodes of come dine with me then coach trip. No wonder so many people are on the dole.
It fucking knacked and actually got bigger but by then i wasn't in the mood for pictures anymore. I'd assumed it was a delayed reaction to a knock i might of taken in 5-a-side on friday and just took painkillers.
After struggling through saturday i eventually sought medical help and went to the "drop in" centre on Sunday. A short wait and a £14.40 bill for antibiotics later i was back home in time to catch the end of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. After sitting for ten minutes with my brother branding Quasimodo an ugly bastard and picking apart the plot it suddenly dawned on me that i wasn't really in the position to be mocking freaks. But so fuck, he's still a horrible cunt. That bit at the end where he comes out the tower and everones just looking at him is crackers. He'd clearly be stoned to death. Also i'd always thought the story ended in him marrying Esmeralda for some reason. She actually ends up with some He-man lookalike. Maybe she saw Quasi's inner beauty but couldn't see past his mangled dick. Man, I've watched so much shit i'd never usually dream of these last few days.
So yea, on the evening i developed a fever and started shivering loads so decided to go to A&E. Here i was rapped by the nurse first for not coming in sooner and then for my choice of clothing. "Is there any reason you're wearing a jumper in the middle of summer" - Yea because i'm fucking shivering. I didn't say that of course. Just accepted my fate.....a gown.
Suddenly the "dignity in care" posters seemed quite ironic. There were definitely sniggers as i sat back down in the waiting area. Further misery was added when the guy next to me began banging on to another patient about his computer skills and wowing her with talk about microsoft excel. I seem to be a magnet for boring computer nerds. My head was banging and i was dying to tell him to fuck off. I later felt bad for thinking he was a dick after he asked "are you ok mate?" Indeed it's actually quite nice the feeling of camaraderie between fellow patients, then you'll just get some dick coming in drunk and mouthing off. The staff do an excellent job under difficult circumstances. I overheard one story about a guy coming in and riding round the ward on a BMX : /
It's been nice having time off work and as i mentioned earlier I've watched loads of TV. Still can't handle Jeremy Kyle like but it's mint just chilling out and watching about 10 episodes of come dine with me then coach trip. No wonder so many people are on the dole.
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