The second headline cracked me up.



The gazette has got to be the most depressing newspaper ever. The only saving grace is every now and then you get a crackers headline.

Need to try remember to save more cuttings. There's some absolutely crackers goings on, on Teesside.

Best headline i've ever seen in there was "Life for the 'kebab' killer who stabbed his best friend through the heart" - a story about a pizza shop worker who killed his best friend after believing a talking kebab was taunting him for being raped. Priceless.

http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/2008/02/14/life-for-the-kebab-killer-who-stabbed-his-best-friend-through-the-heart-84229-20475236/

Of course i didn't really dedicate my week to accidentally re-writing Jasper Carrot shitcom All about me. I had a mildly productive few days.

At the start of the week i decided i'd draw up a list of things i wanted to get done.

The list

Find driving license/sort out replacement driving license if the search was fruitless

My driving license has been missing since April and i've all but given up any hope of relocating it. I once lost a phone and bought a replacement only to find the missing one a few months later. It'd fallen down the side of the bed and landed inside an old shoe which i no longer wore. With this in mind i've totally swept my room searching every nook and cranny. It's became clear i'll have to fork out for a replacement. It's a twat on having to take your passport out with you. Even more so if you're me because your passport photo looks like this.....



It's fucking terrible. Whenever i'm asked to produce ID the small talk becomes excruciating. "aaaawwww" etc. Not that it wasn't already bad enough. "Take it as a compliment" etc

I've boycotted my local co-op as a result. They take the challenge 25 thing to ridiculous extremes. I've been buying cans from there for 7 years. They know my face. They know i'm old enough. "I'm sorry i have to ask" - No you don't but you love it don't you? I've seen loads of aggro in there after middle aged blokes have been refused sale. They'd probably ID Bruce Forsyth...in the unlikely event that he found himself in there.

Fill out passport renewal

As if the picture wasn't reason enough, the passport only has about 6 months left to run anyway and I'm hoping to get away early next year. Plan is to take in another European footy game. Hopefully Roma. Loved them since watching Delvecchio, Cafu, Aldair, Batistuta etc on Channel 4's Football Italia. I'm gutted that I never got to see Totti play as well, he was injured when they came to the Riverside. Rome looks unreal. I've hardly been anywhere so that'd be another good location to chalk off.

Scope out potential holidays

That's pretty much covered above.

Take my Basketball shorts in to the tailors to get altered

We've finally got some new kits for the 11-12 season, only the lad who ordered them thought the Samples were a bit small so boosted everyone up one size on the order. Don't know what he was thinking cos they're fucking massive. I could comfortably fit another person in mine. They look ridiculous. Some people buzz off all that though.

It's quite embarassing the way a lot of players in the league act like they're an NBA star who grew up in the projects. There's this one lad with a Thug Life tattoo (he's white by the way) across his stomach. Whenever he hits a shot he runs off biting the bottom of the shirt in his mouth revealing the tattoo. Now not that i know him personally but I find it quite hard to believe that he does indeed lead the life of a thug.

Yes my shorts need altering, and there's a new Tailors just opened round the corner from my house so there's no excuse for not getting that one sorted.

Not the most demanding list is it? But of those tasks all I managed was to get a replacement driving license.

Pathetic.

Waste of time.

Bit gutted at the minute. Just realised i've totally wasted my week off work.

I decided i'd have a bash at writing a comedy.

It followed the lives of a multicultural family living in Birmingham.

To be a bit more specific, a white man and an Asian woman living together with their kids from previous marriages. A recipe for guffaws i'm sure you'll agree. Especially since one of the kids is wheelchair bound with cerebal palsy.

For some reason we hear his thoughts on events at various intervals in the show.

Anyway i got everything sorted and made a first draught of the script, which i then showed to a friend. It was here that my bubble burst however as i was informed that it was "very similar" to an existing Jasper Carrot vehicle from early 2000.

I still can't believe that somebody could have came up with such a programme.

Feel free to use this one next time Wimbledon is on...

Loads of Ex Tennis pros have decided to film a re-make of the Nicolas Cage blockbuster Con Air.

The project is in turmoil however after it emerged that they were having serious issues with casting.

Apparently John McEnroe didn't like the idea of Tim Henman playing a bad guy and was heard screaming "You cannot be Cyrus!!"