...HAHAHAHA!
What kind of zany character is Paul Whitehouse going to play next!
Oh.......
...the ghost of a deceased Father of 2, overseeing his family as they pack for their first holiday since his demise.
But somehow it's still the funniest of the lot.
Sunday 23 January 2011
Friday 21 January 2011
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Phoned "Lizzie" back this morning. Turns out it wasn't too late to apply and i was put through a phone interview with a view to appearing on the show.
She asked basic questions about my job, hobbies and lifestyle. Strangely enough she didn't seem overly interested in what I intended to serve the guests. Truth be told i'd like to give them a scunner's banquet - Corned beef cubes on cocktail sticks for starters, Rustler Burger for the main course, and a Curly Wurly for afters - I didn't say that of course, just said i had a few ideas.
Overall I think I did ok but struggled to think of a form of entertainment. But christ i've seen some episodes where the "entertainment" was fucking excruciating. The worst case being where some mosher lass was playing acoustic emo songs.
I've been getting a bit carried away actually. When i'm cooking now i'll talk through what i'm doing to an imaginery camera and then slag off my imaginery guests. Particularly Barry, who is getting on my tits.
Should probably try not to think about it. They'll just pick a bunch of dicks like the last time they came to Teesside.
She asked basic questions about my job, hobbies and lifestyle. Strangely enough she didn't seem overly interested in what I intended to serve the guests. Truth be told i'd like to give them a scunner's banquet - Corned beef cubes on cocktail sticks for starters, Rustler Burger for the main course, and a Curly Wurly for afters - I didn't say that of course, just said i had a few ideas.
Overall I think I did ok but struggled to think of a form of entertainment. But christ i've seen some episodes where the "entertainment" was fucking excruciating. The worst case being where some mosher lass was playing acoustic emo songs.
I've been getting a bit carried away actually. When i'm cooking now i'll talk through what i'm doing to an imaginery camera and then slag off my imaginery guests. Particularly Barry, who is getting on my tits.
Should probably try not to think about it. They'll just pick a bunch of dicks like the last time they came to Teesside.
Monday 17 January 2011
Today has been a bit odd.
A large chunk of it was spent under a sort of house arrest as i've been waiting in for a parcel to be delivered. The classic any time between 9-5. Despite having no plans it was a twat not having the freedom to go outside.
Indeed i have a week off work and was torn between spending it productively and just arsing around. It seems now that a mix of both is in occurance.
Turning 25 has been quite an eye opener. I'm running out of time to do things. There are certain songs in my CD collection i probably wont hear ever again. It's the same with films. I've been meaning to start watching the Sopranos, NYPD Blue and The Wire for ages. I haven't seen The Godfather 1,2, & 3, Taxi Driver or Inception despite having them all on DVD. I'm a disgrace and i'll have to start addressing that this week.
I checked my voicemail this evening and there was a message from "Lizzie" asking me to get in touch about casting for Come Dine With Me. I'd buzz my tits off if i got on there.
I think i've blew it already though. The message was left 5 days ago so it's probably too late. Also she'll of heard my crackers answer phone message which i recorded whilst having a shit. Hopefully i can rescue the situation in the morning : /
A large chunk of it was spent under a sort of house arrest as i've been waiting in for a parcel to be delivered. The classic any time between 9-5. Despite having no plans it was a twat not having the freedom to go outside.
Indeed i have a week off work and was torn between spending it productively and just arsing around. It seems now that a mix of both is in occurance.
Turning 25 has been quite an eye opener. I'm running out of time to do things. There are certain songs in my CD collection i probably wont hear ever again. It's the same with films. I've been meaning to start watching the Sopranos, NYPD Blue and The Wire for ages. I haven't seen The Godfather 1,2, & 3, Taxi Driver or Inception despite having them all on DVD. I'm a disgrace and i'll have to start addressing that this week.
I checked my voicemail this evening and there was a message from "Lizzie" asking me to get in touch about casting for Come Dine With Me. I'd buzz my tits off if i got on there.
I think i've blew it already though. The message was left 5 days ago so it's probably too late. Also she'll of heard my crackers answer phone message which i recorded whilst having a shit. Hopefully i can rescue the situation in the morning : /
Saturday 15 January 2011
Monday 10 January 2011
Monday 3 January 2011
Some of the worst stuff ever to appear on the internet.
Another year begins and still i find myself going out of my way to get irritated by shite on the internet.
I say this because I've recently been made aware of Facebooks worst aspect...
No, not tedious status updates - "knackered from the gym" are you? That's nice. How long do you want us to marvel for?
not "people you may know" - which is more a case of people i'm glad i don't know.
not the "newsfeed" becoming clogged with tedious photo albums with 100+ pictures from a standard night out in town. This is us in the bogs arsing around with the toilet roll, this is Claire sucking off a Tampon etc
not the amount of shameless online sleazery from horrible cunts. The moment a woman's relationship status changes to single there's always a hoard of awful male admirers offering their support. "awww u ok hun" etc
No, this is far worse...
They've been around for ages but i've never really paid that much attention to them until now. They were easy enough to dismiss before but now it's been pointed out to me just how bad they are, it's impossible to ignore the idiocy of it all.
I'm of course referring to the many horrendous "likes"
Particularly the relationship based statements idiots insist in immortalising via the creation of a fan page.
The statements often make little sense and are seen as inspirational mottos for absolute cretins to live their lives by.
I've listed a few below, there's some really poignant stuff here.......
Bacon is bacon. Eggs are eggs. Don't let a guy get between your legs. He says, "you're cute." he says, "you're fine." Nine months later, he says, "not mine. "
*Girl is crying*
Girl; I love you.Boy; I love you too baby.Girl; Prove it. Scream it to the world.Boy; *whispers in her ear* I love you.Girl; Why'd you say it to me?Boy; Because, you're my world(:
Girl:Do you like me? Boy:No Girl:Would you cry if i died? Boy:No Girl Runs away crying Boy:I dont like you i love you i wouldnt cry if u died i would kill myself ♥♥♥♥♥♥
Boy: so wyd babe ? Girl:nothin boutta go shopping you ?Boy says to himself : bitch you know your in yah house under the covers watching tv , so stop it -_-
Girl:who do you like? Boy:No one really. Girl:BULLSHIT ! Boy: no i really dont. Girl starts crying. Boy walks away with a smile on his face. like if you get it
I can't decipher what the majority are even about. Everything about this craic is fucking terrible.
Most of them are there purely so that one half of a pointless relationship can click like and the other half can see it in their feed and then reflect on his/her behaviour.
Essentially it's a hint "app".
We've come a long way haven't we?
I say this because I've recently been made aware of Facebooks worst aspect...
No, not tedious status updates - "knackered from the gym" are you? That's nice. How long do you want us to marvel for?
not "people you may know" - which is more a case of people i'm glad i don't know.
not the "newsfeed" becoming clogged with tedious photo albums with 100+ pictures from a standard night out in town. This is us in the bogs arsing around with the toilet roll, this is Claire sucking off a Tampon etc
not the amount of shameless online sleazery from horrible cunts. The moment a woman's relationship status changes to single there's always a hoard of awful male admirers offering their support. "awww u ok hun" etc
No, this is far worse...
They've been around for ages but i've never really paid that much attention to them until now. They were easy enough to dismiss before but now it's been pointed out to me just how bad they are, it's impossible to ignore the idiocy of it all.
I'm of course referring to the many horrendous "likes"
Particularly the relationship based statements idiots insist in immortalising via the creation of a fan page.
The statements often make little sense and are seen as inspirational mottos for absolute cretins to live their lives by.
I've listed a few below, there's some really poignant stuff here.......
Bacon is bacon. Eggs are eggs. Don't let a guy get between your legs. He says, "you're cute." he says, "you're fine." Nine months later, he says, "not mine. "
*Girl is crying*
Girl; I love you.Boy; I love you too baby.Girl; Prove it. Scream it to the world.Boy; *whispers in her ear* I love you.Girl; Why'd you say it to me?Boy; Because, you're my world(:
Girl:Do you like me? Boy:No Girl:Would you cry if i died? Boy:No Girl Runs away crying Boy:I dont like you i love you i wouldnt cry if u died i would kill myself ♥♥♥♥♥♥
Boy: so wyd babe ? Girl:nothin boutta go shopping you ?Boy says to himself : bitch you know your in yah house under the covers watching tv , so stop it -_-
Girl:who do you like? Boy:No one really. Girl:BULLSHIT ! Boy: no i really dont. Girl starts crying. Boy walks away with a smile on his face. like if you get it
I can't decipher what the majority are even about. Everything about this craic is fucking terrible.
Most of them are there purely so that one half of a pointless relationship can click like and the other half can see it in their feed and then reflect on his/her behaviour.
Essentially it's a hint "app".
We've come a long way haven't we?
Saturday 1 January 2011
A time for change
I've got 1 concrete New Year's resolution...
I'm going to try my hardest to avoid using the coinstar.
Last year poor financial management meant i faced humiliation on a regular basis at the hands of this awful machine.
For those not in the know, this is a machine which changes your coins for a cash voucher and charges a small comission fee. Not content with taking 8.9p in every pound however, it also requires you to trade in your dignity.
The ASDA machine used to be tucked away in the corner. This was fine. The risk of being seen was minimal, you could be a scunner without the shame. It was like closing the curtains and eating a tin of corned beef.
One day i turned up with a pringles tube full of coins, only much to my horror the machine was now located right in the middle of the entrance. Public shame. Dire.
But the embarassment doesn't stop there. When you go through the instructions on screen it beeps loud as fuck every time you press next. The worst aspect by far though is the introduction of an unbearable soundbite which plays once your money has been counted. For some reason it was deemed necessary to have some bloke say "cher ching!" in a ridiculously smug tone. Almost as if mocking you. It might as well go the whole hog and say "don't spend it all at once"
My last visit was a real eye opener. I arrived to find the machine in use and had to linger in the entrance area pretending to be interested in the special offers while some guy with a hold-all full of coins made a deposit. 10 minutes passed and still i could hear the rattle of coins. The guy now had an audience as the greeter had become enthralled in the action and was now coming out with encouraging slogans like "go on" and "he's on for the record" this went on for longer than i'd of liked but all i could do was clutch a Shrek DVD and peer over out the corner of my eye.
Eventually the situation came to a head when i heard the fateful "cher ching" and the Greeter proudly announce a grand total of £75 something or other.
That'd be a hard act to follow on the best of days and i was left feeling an even deeper sense of shame when my pringles tube yeilded a paltry £7.58.
What i saw that day has inspired me in more ways than one. I reckon i can break the £100 barrier and the longer i save the less frequent the humiliation.
2011 will be my year.
I'm going to try my hardest to avoid using the coinstar.
Last year poor financial management meant i faced humiliation on a regular basis at the hands of this awful machine.
For those not in the know, this is a machine which changes your coins for a cash voucher and charges a small comission fee. Not content with taking 8.9p in every pound however, it also requires you to trade in your dignity.
The ASDA machine used to be tucked away in the corner. This was fine. The risk of being seen was minimal, you could be a scunner without the shame. It was like closing the curtains and eating a tin of corned beef.
One day i turned up with a pringles tube full of coins, only much to my horror the machine was now located right in the middle of the entrance. Public shame. Dire.
But the embarassment doesn't stop there. When you go through the instructions on screen it beeps loud as fuck every time you press next. The worst aspect by far though is the introduction of an unbearable soundbite which plays once your money has been counted. For some reason it was deemed necessary to have some bloke say "cher ching!" in a ridiculously smug tone. Almost as if mocking you. It might as well go the whole hog and say "don't spend it all at once"
My last visit was a real eye opener. I arrived to find the machine in use and had to linger in the entrance area pretending to be interested in the special offers while some guy with a hold-all full of coins made a deposit. 10 minutes passed and still i could hear the rattle of coins. The guy now had an audience as the greeter had become enthralled in the action and was now coming out with encouraging slogans like "go on" and "he's on for the record" this went on for longer than i'd of liked but all i could do was clutch a Shrek DVD and peer over out the corner of my eye.
Eventually the situation came to a head when i heard the fateful "cher ching" and the Greeter proudly announce a grand total of £75 something or other.
That'd be a hard act to follow on the best of days and i was left feeling an even deeper sense of shame when my pringles tube yeilded a paltry £7.58.
What i saw that day has inspired me in more ways than one. I reckon i can break the £100 barrier and the longer i save the less frequent the humiliation.
2011 will be my year.
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