I'd come on here to write about something specific but can't remember what it was now. It was probably something that's annoyed me or something like that, it'll come to me later.
So now i'm just typing.....
....A freestyle blog....
....and eating "pick n' mix" Not that i picked nor mixed any of it. It's one of those bags of Rowntrees. The "tooty frooties" aren't really doing it for me however.
There appears to be a game on the back of the packet. Get this.....
More chewy challenges from Rowntrees
1. Player one thinks of a stupid funny phrase, something like "smelly socks!"
2. The other players then ask any questions they want but player one must answer with the funny phrase, without laughing!
3. The person who can answer the most questions without laughing gets a Rowntree's sweet of their choice!
Dear oh dear. Mankind has lost the plot.
I'm starting to regret buying those....
...and indeed blogging "freestyle"
Farewell.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Sunday, 28 March 2010
Sometimes you wish you'd never bothered
Yesterday whilst driving to Netto i once again suffered at the hands of the general public.
I'm not one of these do gooders who slows down and lets people out of junctions etc. Theres no point whatsoever. It just gets you further behind in the queue so there's absolutely no advantage to be gained from letting someone out...unless of course they have one of those hilarious "Dad's taxi" stickers in the back HAHAHAHA funny that isn't it?, the amount of times i've wrote off my vehicle having lost control due to laughing. Dad's taxi.....funny as. I can't wait to have kids so i can get one of them.
Anyway....on this occasion i was forced into letting a bus pull out. This angered me greatly but what happened next nearly made me sick...
..the driver put his arm out of the window and did a sort of Cowabunga, surfs up! gesture with his thumb and little finger. It was embarassing in the extreme and had i known he was going to do it i'd of made it my mission to ram him off the road. What a cretin.
I'm not one of these do gooders who slows down and lets people out of junctions etc. Theres no point whatsoever. It just gets you further behind in the queue so there's absolutely no advantage to be gained from letting someone out...unless of course they have one of those hilarious "Dad's taxi" stickers in the back HAHAHAHA funny that isn't it?, the amount of times i've wrote off my vehicle having lost control due to laughing. Dad's taxi.....funny as. I can't wait to have kids so i can get one of them.
Anyway....on this occasion i was forced into letting a bus pull out. This angered me greatly but what happened next nearly made me sick...
..the driver put his arm out of the window and did a sort of Cowabunga, surfs up! gesture with his thumb and little finger. It was embarassing in the extreme and had i known he was going to do it i'd of made it my mission to ram him off the road. What a cretin.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Lids
Today i was throwing some jars out for the recycling and noticed the words "depressed reject" on a lid. This cracked me up. After the laughter subsided i studied it further and realised it actually read "Reject if button is depressed"
Why did i only see "depressed reject" ??? Maybe because i am one. And perhaps someone thought it was necessary to point this out via jar lid.
hmmm
Why did i only see "depressed reject" ??? Maybe because i am one. And perhaps someone thought it was necessary to point this out via jar lid.
hmmm
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
National chlamydia screening programme
Upon returning from work today i was greeted by a mystery package awaiting on the cabinet. Not my DVD's...wrong shape. Hmm what could it be?
Yahhey, a letter from the NHS!.....informing me that I'm in the privileged position of being aged 20-24 and therefore entitled to some shit boxer shorts and a handful of Johnnys if i fill a jar with piss and send it back. Actually my wording there wouldnt look out of place in their flyers.
Indeed the text is dumbed down to an embarassing degree.....
"You will be asked to give a urine (wee) sample"
"women can take a swab from the lower vagina (a cotton bud is used to wipe the area)"
"may cause infertility (being unable to have kids)"
"painful testicles (balls)"
I'm not sure if it's the government trying to be all hip or whether they think people are really that stupid and are genuinely baffled by the word "Testicles" etc
It's probably a bit of both.......or rather, a lot of both.
The sad truth is people probably are that stupid and it's insulting to be tarred with the same brush. Why not just leave them to go infirtile? (be unable to have children) and spare us another generation of slack jawed fuckwits.
Yahhey, a letter from the NHS!.....informing me that I'm in the privileged position of being aged 20-24 and therefore entitled to some shit boxer shorts and a handful of Johnnys if i fill a jar with piss and send it back. Actually my wording there wouldnt look out of place in their flyers.
Indeed the text is dumbed down to an embarassing degree.....
"You will be asked to give a urine (wee) sample"
"women can take a swab from the lower vagina (a cotton bud is used to wipe the area)"
"may cause infertility (being unable to have kids)"
"painful testicles (balls)"
I'm not sure if it's the government trying to be all hip or whether they think people are really that stupid and are genuinely baffled by the word "Testicles" etc
It's probably a bit of both.......or rather, a lot of both.
The sad truth is people probably are that stupid and it's insulting to be tarred with the same brush. Why not just leave them to go infirtile? (be unable to have children) and spare us another generation of slack jawed fuckwits.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Fresh air
I'd always thought magic trees were just for wankers but after deciding my car smelt a bit like soil and old men, i decided to swallow my pride and get one.
New to the game, i was at first bamboozled by the choice on offer. "Forest fresh" what kind of Forest? wont that just make it smell of damp wood? "Black ice" what could that smell of? Black ice would seem the obvious answer but that doesn't really explain anything at all. Ice that is black. Hmm.
After some deep soul searching i opted for blueberry and haven't looked back. It's like being sat with a giant muffin in the passenger seat.... minus the funny looks from pedestrians and restricted view. It's such a treat to finish a day's office torment, get in the car and be seduced by a blueberry aroma.
This reminds me...
...the other day at work i was walking from one building to another and noticed loud music coming from a car. Tribal music, possibly Ladysmith Black Mambazo (off the bean advert). As i got closer i noticed a 40 something bloke sat laughing with the window down. What was so funny?
New to the game, i was at first bamboozled by the choice on offer. "Forest fresh" what kind of Forest? wont that just make it smell of damp wood? "Black ice" what could that smell of? Black ice would seem the obvious answer but that doesn't really explain anything at all. Ice that is black. Hmm.
After some deep soul searching i opted for blueberry and haven't looked back. It's like being sat with a giant muffin in the passenger seat.... minus the funny looks from pedestrians and restricted view. It's such a treat to finish a day's office torment, get in the car and be seduced by a blueberry aroma.
This reminds me...
...the other day at work i was walking from one building to another and noticed loud music coming from a car. Tribal music, possibly Ladysmith Black Mambazo (off the bean advert). As i got closer i noticed a 40 something bloke sat laughing with the window down. What was so funny?
Sunday, 28 February 2010
That difficult second blog....
sHOULD OF PROBABLY TITLED THIS "sUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY" christ caps lock. I'm not stopping and changing that now.
Anyway. Sundays have became ridiculous the last few years. Because my job is so dull i frequently find myself drinking to excess on a sunday and later crying into a pot noodle. Desperately clinging on to the weekend. It's so depressing to know you're only a few hours away from saying a million fake "good mornings" and sitting through 8 hours of pure tedium.
Despite this i'm in good spirits at present. A cup of tea and "Jammie" wagon wheel have sorted me out. I do however wish i could change career but don't believe that i'm talented enough in a field which i'm interested in. Sad times for Michael. My pension forecast reckons i can retire at about 67 or something crackers. That's like 43 years off. Mint.
Anyway, hmm i've used "anyway" already but nevermind. I will go to bed a relatively happy man. I have a few good things to look forward to and have had a decent night.
Ever the intellectual i've discussed some pressing issues with my friends this evening. These included if you get turned on looking at pictures of yourself as a kid does it make you a nonce? does it? I can't remember the consensus on this one. We also looked at the merits of cloning In animals and humans. Does a clone count as a proper being? If you cloned a human and then blew it's brains out 5 seconds after it's carnation would you be up for murder? Also if you bummed a cloned sheep would you get "done" for beastiality? They cloned a sheep didn't they? So we could try this one out. If you kept 100 dogs in the loft and punched them in the head each day you'd be jailed for animal cruelty but if the dogs were cloned would it count? Who knows? Who cares?
Goodnight.
Anyway. Sundays have became ridiculous the last few years. Because my job is so dull i frequently find myself drinking to excess on a sunday and later crying into a pot noodle. Desperately clinging on to the weekend. It's so depressing to know you're only a few hours away from saying a million fake "good mornings" and sitting through 8 hours of pure tedium.
Despite this i'm in good spirits at present. A cup of tea and "Jammie" wagon wheel have sorted me out. I do however wish i could change career but don't believe that i'm talented enough in a field which i'm interested in. Sad times for Michael. My pension forecast reckons i can retire at about 67 or something crackers. That's like 43 years off. Mint.
Anyway, hmm i've used "anyway" already but nevermind. I will go to bed a relatively happy man. I have a few good things to look forward to and have had a decent night.
Ever the intellectual i've discussed some pressing issues with my friends this evening. These included if you get turned on looking at pictures of yourself as a kid does it make you a nonce? does it? I can't remember the consensus on this one. We also looked at the merits of cloning In animals and humans. Does a clone count as a proper being? If you cloned a human and then blew it's brains out 5 seconds after it's carnation would you be up for murder? Also if you bummed a cloned sheep would you get "done" for beastiality? They cloned a sheep didn't they? So we could try this one out. If you kept 100 dogs in the loft and punched them in the head each day you'd be jailed for animal cruelty but if the dogs were cloned would it count? Who knows? Who cares?
Goodnight.
Starting again...
I've decided to start blogging again. I stopped in April last year. It's not as if i'm back by popular demand or anything. It's purely out of boredom.
Indeed i've been sat watching a clip of Eastenders' Max Branning being sick on a loop for 10 minutes. Laughing to the point of tears and then starting to worry if i'm going insane. Not least because i did the exact same yesterday.
I used to just write on "myspace" about stuff that irritated me. It was nice to rant about irritating everyday occurances and lash out at the idiocy of the general public. I think i intend to do the same with this but may mix it up a bit and throw in some other stuff. The very reason i stopped was because i realised i'd typed a 1,500 word rant about over-rated "singing sensation" Susan Boyle (now hilariously referred to as "Subo") and her cretinous fans. It became too much of a chore and at the time there was just so much to get irritated about....not that anythings really changed.
It's hard to know what to be writing, especially when it's more than likely that nobody will see it. I could keep typing tits and ass tits and ass TIT$ & A$$ doesnt matter nobodys looking. I think we'll have to see. It wont be an online diary though.
I think that'll do for now. I'm pleased to have got this far. Usually the inconvenience of having to sign up for shit and think of more passwords would of had me reaching for the nearest noose so this is an achievement of sorts. It's good to be back.....
Indeed i've been sat watching a clip of Eastenders' Max Branning being sick on a loop for 10 minutes. Laughing to the point of tears and then starting to worry if i'm going insane. Not least because i did the exact same yesterday.
I used to just write on "myspace" about stuff that irritated me. It was nice to rant about irritating everyday occurances and lash out at the idiocy of the general public. I think i intend to do the same with this but may mix it up a bit and throw in some other stuff. The very reason i stopped was because i realised i'd typed a 1,500 word rant about over-rated "singing sensation" Susan Boyle (now hilariously referred to as "Subo") and her cretinous fans. It became too much of a chore and at the time there was just so much to get irritated about....not that anythings really changed.
It's hard to know what to be writing, especially when it's more than likely that nobody will see it. I could keep typing tits and ass tits and ass TIT$ & A$$ doesnt matter nobodys looking. I think we'll have to see. It wont be an online diary though.
I think that'll do for now. I'm pleased to have got this far. Usually the inconvenience of having to sign up for shit and think of more passwords would of had me reaching for the nearest noose so this is an achievement of sorts. It's good to be back.....
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