For the record

I've found my old blogs from 2008, 2009 and posted them on here backdated. There's been a few problems with font sizes, pictures n shit so i'm gonna get round to sorting that.

Not that anyone will be reading this but y'know.

Oh and while i'm here, i mentioned in an earlier blog that i came on to write about something then forgot what it was, well it was the tv quizshow "Eggheads"

I like the show but my main issues were

* What's happened to Kevin?

* Why is CJ such a massive bell end

* And why can't anyone answer a fucking question straight off the bat without going through the process of elimination like a droning bore?

Shake on it

I can understand shaking hands with someone i know. And in the unlikely event that i'd sealed some kind of significant business deal...again i could see how a handshake would be appropriate. But when you've ended up in a shit nightclub and some prick feels the need to come up and try force you into shaking hands it all gets rather baffling.

I will always refuse this embrace and people think it makes me the dick but that's not the case. It happens almost every time i go out. As far as i know i'm not a celebrity, not even Z list. Even if i was, why do you need to touch me?

By all means enjoy your "messy night out" with "the laaads" But please fuck off and leave me alone. You massive anus.

Freestyle

I'd come on here to write about something specific but can't remember what it was now. It was probably something that's annoyed me or something like that, it'll come to me later.

So now i'm just typing.....

....A freestyle blog....

....and eating "pick n' mix" Not that i picked nor mixed any of it. It's one of those bags of Rowntrees. The "tooty frooties" aren't really doing it for me however.

There appears to be a game on the back of the packet. Get this.....

More chewy challenges from Rowntrees

1. Player one thinks of a stupid funny phrase, something like "smelly socks!"

2. The other players then ask any questions they want but player one must answer with the funny phrase, without laughing!

3. The person who can answer the most questions without laughing gets a Rowntree's sweet of their choice!

Dear oh dear. Mankind has lost the plot.

I'm starting to regret buying those....

...and indeed blogging "freestyle"

Farewell.

Sometimes you wish you'd never bothered

Yesterday whilst driving to Netto i once again suffered at the hands of the general public.

I'm not one of these do gooders who slows down and lets people out of junctions etc. Theres no point whatsoever. It just gets you further behind in the queue so there's absolutely no advantage to be gained from letting someone out...unless of course they have one of those hilarious "Dad's taxi" stickers in the back HAHAHAHA funny that isn't it?, the amount of times i've wrote off my vehicle having lost control due to laughing. Dad's taxi.....funny as. I can't wait to have kids so i can get one of them.

Anyway....on this occasion i was forced into letting a bus pull out. This angered me greatly but what happened next nearly made me sick...

..the driver put his arm out of the window and did a sort of Cowabunga, surfs up! gesture with his thumb and little finger. It was embarassing in the extreme and had i known he was going to do it i'd of made it my mission to ram him off the road. What a cretin.

Lids

Today i was throwing some jars out for the recycling and noticed the words "depressed reject" on a lid. This cracked me up. After the laughter subsided i studied it further and realised it actually read "Reject if button is depressed"

Why did i only see "depressed reject" ??? Maybe because i am one. And perhaps someone thought it was necessary to point this out via jar lid.

hmmm

National chlamydia screening programme

Upon returning from work today i was greeted by a mystery package awaiting on the cabinet. Not my DVD's...wrong shape. Hmm what could it be?

Yahhey, a letter from the NHS!.....informing me that I'm in the privileged position of being aged 20-24 and therefore entitled to some shit boxer shorts and a handful of Johnnys if i fill a jar with piss and send it back. Actually my wording there wouldnt look out of place in their flyers.

Indeed the text is dumbed down to an embarassing degree.....

"You will be asked to give a urine (wee) sample"

"women can take a swab from the lower vagina (a cotton bud is used to wipe the area)"

"may cause infertility (being unable to have kids)"

"painful testicles (balls)"

I'm not sure if it's the government trying to be all hip or whether they think people are really that stupid and are genuinely baffled by the word "Testicles" etc

It's probably a bit of both.......or rather, a lot of both.

The sad truth is people probably are that stupid and it's insulting to be tarred with the same brush. Why not just leave them to go infirtile? (be unable to have children) and spare us another generation of slack jawed fuckwits.

Fresh air

I'd always thought magic trees were just for wankers but after deciding my car smelt a bit like soil and old men, i decided to swallow my pride and get one.

New to the game, i was at first bamboozled by the choice on offer. "Forest fresh" what kind of Forest? wont that just make it smell of damp wood? "Black ice" what could that smell of? Black ice would seem the obvious answer but that doesn't really explain anything at all. Ice that is black. Hmm.

After some deep soul searching i opted for blueberry and haven't looked back. It's like being sat with a giant muffin in the passenger seat.... minus the funny looks from pedestrians and restricted view. It's such a treat to finish a day's office torment, get in the car and be seduced by a blueberry aroma.

This reminds me...

...the other day at work i was walking from one building to another and noticed loud music coming from a car. Tribal music, possibly Ladysmith Black Mambazo (off the bean advert). As i got closer i noticed a 40 something bloke sat laughing with the window down. What was so funny?