"I asked my son what he wanted for christmas and he said he wants a wii...
... i said you know where the toilet is"
Having to hear the above joke an obscene amount of times at work courtesy of a cretinous colleague isn't the only thing that riles me about the wii, It goes much deeper than that.
Cringeworthy adverts with the Redknapp family playing mariokart cause maximum distress. Presumably they're meant to portray a heartwarming family moment but they're just plain embarassing. I hope never to find myself in a situation where i utter the words "that's a spin attack coming your way Dad" I'm not sure hearing Louise announce "i love beating you" is in any way neccesary either. The only redeeming aspect is that one of the fitness games labels Jamie a "casual athelete" - one look at his career appearance stats confirms that.
It's a mystery why everyone seems hell bent on replacing actual activities with virtual bullshit. Deluded idiots who think theyre going to "get buff" simply by arsing around with the wii would do better getting a grip on reality rather than a joypad. Once the novelty wears off and they realise that - actually this isn't anything like real bowling/tennis/skiing/angling/etc, it will be thrown in the attic with the cross trainer (and fuck knows what else) and they will no doubt revert to their favourite excercises - watching TV, eating, drinking and wanking......simultaneously.
All too often my protests are countered by claims that "it's good family fun" or "a good laugh when you have a party" but it just isn't. The appeal of Guitar Hero in particular is mindbending. I thought "air guitar" was embarassing but at least there's no cost involved. It's saying something when the cast of the DFS Nickelback advert have got one up on you.
What makes it all the more baffling is the fact that you could buy a real guitar for the same price and actually achieve something. But wheres the fun in learning chords scales etc when you could just mash your fingers off 5 different coloured buttons like the massive talentless dildo head that you really are? Surely it's only a matter of time before it comes complete with a set of inflatable groupies with coloured coded tits, etc to help otherwise clueless cunts navigate their way around.
If you can't be arsed learning an instrument, chances are your equally non plussed by the prospect of going to acting classes. Fear not though because the game "You're in the movies" provides the perfect alternative. If the advert is anything to go by then the pinnacle of great cinema and fun is running on the spot while being chased by the most unconvincing of aliens. In it's defence it still looks better than being in any Will Ferrel film (and yes i am including "semi pro").
Finally the woeful DS advert in which Ronan Keating struggles to solve basic brain teasers deserves a mention. Its a shame i can't train my brain to switch off when shite adverts appear on screen.
Tuesday 23 December 2008
Thursday 11 December 2008
T-Shirts...........The T Standing For Tosser
Mr Noisy, Mr Bump, Mr Tickle, Mr bell end who's more than happy to go along with the latest "ironic" craze, Mr scene following Cretin, Mr i've still got my Leeds wristband on from 1000BC, therefore i'm the coolest dude in all the land, Mr i chose this one because it's the one that represents my character most accurately.
etc.
etc.
Tuesday 2 December 2008
A Semi Self Inflicted Awkward Moment
Sunday. The day of rest. Or as yesterday proved, the day of being made to feel like an absolute bell end for feasting on low budget cuisine.
Halfway through wrapping some christmas presents in my room, i decided to get some dinner. Due to my limited culinary skills i found myself once again torn between a pot noodle and a bacon sandwich. After a lot of soul searching i opted for the former and with a little help from the illustrations on the side of the packaging i was back in my room and ready to "chow down" within a few minutes.
After splashing soy sauce on the wrapping paper i thought better than to multi-task and so left the present wrapping until i'd finished the nutricious snack. I was now sat cross legged in the middle of my room with the door closed eating a pot noodle. There's no denying what a pathetic scene it was but who cares, nobody could see me.
That care free attitude lasted all of 2 minutes when suddenly the window cleaner appeared. I'd not experienced embarassment like it since viewing a 30 second snippet of the latest Nicholas Lyndhurst "comedy". Why he was working on a Sunday still gets me.
Darting out of the room didn't seem appropriate at the time and so i found myself adopting a sort of statue like stillness as if confronted by a T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Though rather than quaking at the prospect of being eaten alive i was instead terrified that the man may try to force some kind of interaction, perhaps by tapping on the glass and saying something like "having your dinner?" or "I like the beef ones"
Having suddenly became an exhibit in a museum of tedium, there was little i could do but watch my dignity fly out of the very window he was cleaning. Given that he's probably caught a glimpse of far more exciting things over the years i felt like a bit of a let down and couldnt help but think that i'd later be ridiculed by him when he challenges his family to "guess what i saw at work today"
After what seemed like an eternity he eventually climbed back down his ladder and the ordeal was over. I can't help but feel that we both came away thinking "oh well at least i'm not him"
Halfway through wrapping some christmas presents in my room, i decided to get some dinner. Due to my limited culinary skills i found myself once again torn between a pot noodle and a bacon sandwich. After a lot of soul searching i opted for the former and with a little help from the illustrations on the side of the packaging i was back in my room and ready to "chow down" within a few minutes.
After splashing soy sauce on the wrapping paper i thought better than to multi-task and so left the present wrapping until i'd finished the nutricious snack. I was now sat cross legged in the middle of my room with the door closed eating a pot noodle. There's no denying what a pathetic scene it was but who cares, nobody could see me.
That care free attitude lasted all of 2 minutes when suddenly the window cleaner appeared. I'd not experienced embarassment like it since viewing a 30 second snippet of the latest Nicholas Lyndhurst "comedy". Why he was working on a Sunday still gets me.
Darting out of the room didn't seem appropriate at the time and so i found myself adopting a sort of statue like stillness as if confronted by a T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Though rather than quaking at the prospect of being eaten alive i was instead terrified that the man may try to force some kind of interaction, perhaps by tapping on the glass and saying something like "having your dinner?" or "I like the beef ones"
Having suddenly became an exhibit in a museum of tedium, there was little i could do but watch my dignity fly out of the very window he was cleaning. Given that he's probably caught a glimpse of far more exciting things over the years i felt like a bit of a let down and couldnt help but think that i'd later be ridiculed by him when he challenges his family to "guess what i saw at work today"
After what seemed like an eternity he eventually climbed back down his ladder and the ordeal was over. I can't help but feel that we both came away thinking "oh well at least i'm not him"
Thursday 20 November 2008
The Arsehole’s Guide To Grocery Shopping
Select a trolley upon your arrival at the supermarket and then proceed to fill it with the following items......
Little Britain DVD
Hard house trance rave mash up Nation CD
Microchips (big bag)
VK Ice x 8
WKD x 24
Sidekick x 8
Rustler Burgers x 4
Microwave curry x 4
Allday Breakfast in a can x 8
Nuts magazine
The Daily Star
etc.
A few other helpful tips
If you find the shopping experience tired and mundane then why not provide your own soundtrack to make it a bit more tolerable? Take out your mobile phone and play the latest 50 Cent "tune" with the volume set to maximum. This will allow as many shoppers as possible to be serenaded by the mumbling hip hop genius.
Make sure you walk around as slowly as possible. Especially when there are people trying to get past you. You might like to angle your trolley in such a fashion that it causes gridlock in the aisles.
You may wish to shop with a friend. If so, why not walk around reminiscing about the finer moments of your life? Like the time you couldnt find a Johnny round Chantelle's house and had to use a Mars bar wrapper instead. Or you could choose to debate which past holiday with "the lads" was best. Faliraki 2002 or Craig's stag weekend in Ibiza.....the one where everyone got Herpes off the rep.
Make a profound statement about politics and wow fellow shoppers with your extensive knowledge of current affairs. "We only went to war for the oil" always goes down well. Or you could try "Gordon Brown innit"
If the unthinkable happens and your son tries to place Weetabix in the trolley on the sly, you are best advised to create a scene. Call him an arsehole. Scream at him. Snatch the box of Weetabix out of his hands and shout "i'm not fucking Rockafeller" then replace the offending article with a box of Wheat 48 bisks. Be sure to quiz any onlookers about what theyre looking at.
Presuming on this occasion your not shoplifting make your way to the checkout. Once there, be sure to purchase a tenners worth of scratchcards and ask for a minimum of £50 cashback. Blow this money in the bookies later, then moan to anybody who will listen that your so skint and it's all because of the "credit crunch"
You massive anus.
Little Britain DVD
Hard house trance rave mash up Nation CD
Microchips (big bag)
VK Ice x 8
WKD x 24
Sidekick x 8
Rustler Burgers x 4
Microwave curry x 4
Allday Breakfast in a can x 8
Nuts magazine
The Daily Star
etc.
A few other helpful tips
If you find the shopping experience tired and mundane then why not provide your own soundtrack to make it a bit more tolerable? Take out your mobile phone and play the latest 50 Cent "tune" with the volume set to maximum. This will allow as many shoppers as possible to be serenaded by the mumbling hip hop genius.
Make sure you walk around as slowly as possible. Especially when there are people trying to get past you. You might like to angle your trolley in such a fashion that it causes gridlock in the aisles.
You may wish to shop with a friend. If so, why not walk around reminiscing about the finer moments of your life? Like the time you couldnt find a Johnny round Chantelle's house and had to use a Mars bar wrapper instead. Or you could choose to debate which past holiday with "the lads" was best. Faliraki 2002 or Craig's stag weekend in Ibiza.....the one where everyone got Herpes off the rep.
Make a profound statement about politics and wow fellow shoppers with your extensive knowledge of current affairs. "We only went to war for the oil" always goes down well. Or you could try "Gordon Brown innit"
If the unthinkable happens and your son tries to place Weetabix in the trolley on the sly, you are best advised to create a scene. Call him an arsehole. Scream at him. Snatch the box of Weetabix out of his hands and shout "i'm not fucking Rockafeller" then replace the offending article with a box of Wheat 48 bisks. Be sure to quiz any onlookers about what theyre looking at.
Presuming on this occasion your not shoplifting make your way to the checkout. Once there, be sure to purchase a tenners worth of scratchcards and ask for a minimum of £50 cashback. Blow this money in the bookies later, then moan to anybody who will listen that your so skint and it's all because of the "credit crunch"
You massive anus.
Sunday 16 November 2008
There's probably a scientific word for it.
Hopefully i'm not alone in this but every now and then i find myself on the verge of carrying out an extremely illogical act only to then stop and think "what the fuck am i doing?" Far from being a new sensation, it's been happening infrequently for years. However recently i've became alarmed by the rate of these occurances.
last week there were 3 episodes.
1. After pouring milk on my malted wheaties (a poor man's shreddies) i proceeded to take a knife and fork out of the cutlery drawer before realising that i had overlooked the traditional spoon.
2. Having taken off my shoes, i then opened the fridge. After a long pause i realised that a fridge is no place for shoes.
3. While simultaneously preparing sandwiches and making a cup of tea i motioned to drop a slice of salami in the cup before realising my glaring error.
It's almost as if i'm wrestling with a split personality. An evil half out to ridicule me but i keep catching him in the act.
last week there were 3 episodes.
1. After pouring milk on my malted wheaties (a poor man's shreddies) i proceeded to take a knife and fork out of the cutlery drawer before realising that i had overlooked the traditional spoon.
2. Having taken off my shoes, i then opened the fridge. After a long pause i realised that a fridge is no place for shoes.
3. While simultaneously preparing sandwiches and making a cup of tea i motioned to drop a slice of salami in the cup before realising my glaring error.
It's almost as if i'm wrestling with a split personality. An evil half out to ridicule me but i keep catching him in the act.
Thursday 13 November 2008
Hypocrisy at it's finest.
Over the years i've became used to looking in the mirror and feeling bitterly disappointed. I'm talking about the Daily Mirror of course.
Once again it's been so quick in taking the moral high ground that it's contradicted itself in the process.
The Mirror reported that David Norris' handcuffs gesture was such a disgrace and that the last thing the Peak family needed was to be reminded of the tragic incident, yet i somehow dont think they'd of been that aware of a goal celebration from an Ipswich town game without the mirror splashing it all over the front page.
bunch of cretins.
When it suits you eh?
Once again it's been so quick in taking the moral high ground that it's contradicted itself in the process.
The Mirror reported that David Norris' handcuffs gesture was such a disgrace and that the last thing the Peak family needed was to be reminded of the tragic incident, yet i somehow dont think they'd of been that aware of a goal celebration from an Ipswich town game without the mirror splashing it all over the front page.
bunch of cretins.
When it suits you eh?
Friday 31 October 2008
Brain teaser.......
When is a pile of twatty reject clothes accompanied by a spherical object, not a pile of twatty reject clothes accompanied by some spherical object?
when it's "the Guy" of course.
Yes it's getting to that time of year again where you can't casually stroll past Tesco -or anywhere with a doorway for that matter- without being pestered by a bunch of twatty kids to surrender a handful of change. We havent even had the "trick or treaters" yet and already the streets are awash with "Guys". Shameless begging season, made all the more tragic by the assumption that any money raised will later be spent on Pogs, footy stickers, yo'yo's etc. or am i out of touch?
Call me cynical but surely this kind of thing is tantamount to standard begging and therefore about as credible as going to your local fish shop and saying "just scraps please". Traditionally the money raised would be used to purchase fireworks but you have to be 18 to buy fireworks now anyway, so they're hardly keeping up tradition.
I'd rather see the money actually spent on said Guy. After all, they do claim to be collecting on his behalf. Some new trainers or a night on the town perhaps might do him some good, though on the other hand i don't think any amount of money could help solve the problems of a man made out of old rags.
Maybe i'm being harsh, maybe i'm just "having a go" to get away from my own problems, specifically the "what Halloween costume to wear" dilemma. Theres no way of winning. If i wear any kind of costume i'll be unable to pull it off and most likely just resemble a bell end in a cape. On the other hand if i wear no costume at all i will have to endure numerous cretins saying "nice mask" You know, the same type of tw@s who have stickers in their Renault Clios saying "my other car is a Jag" - Yeah sure it is mate, and my other life is one worth living.
The harsh reality is that i'll probably end up sat in watching some zombie horror porn dvds. I watched one last year and i was scared stiff.
when it's "the Guy" of course.
Yes it's getting to that time of year again where you can't casually stroll past Tesco -or anywhere with a doorway for that matter- without being pestered by a bunch of twatty kids to surrender a handful of change. We havent even had the "trick or treaters" yet and already the streets are awash with "Guys". Shameless begging season, made all the more tragic by the assumption that any money raised will later be spent on Pogs, footy stickers, yo'yo's etc. or am i out of touch?
Call me cynical but surely this kind of thing is tantamount to standard begging and therefore about as credible as going to your local fish shop and saying "just scraps please". Traditionally the money raised would be used to purchase fireworks but you have to be 18 to buy fireworks now anyway, so they're hardly keeping up tradition.
I'd rather see the money actually spent on said Guy. After all, they do claim to be collecting on his behalf. Some new trainers or a night on the town perhaps might do him some good, though on the other hand i don't think any amount of money could help solve the problems of a man made out of old rags.
Maybe i'm being harsh, maybe i'm just "having a go" to get away from my own problems, specifically the "what Halloween costume to wear" dilemma. Theres no way of winning. If i wear any kind of costume i'll be unable to pull it off and most likely just resemble a bell end in a cape. On the other hand if i wear no costume at all i will have to endure numerous cretins saying "nice mask" You know, the same type of tw@s who have stickers in their Renault Clios saying "my other car is a Jag" - Yeah sure it is mate, and my other life is one worth living.
The harsh reality is that i'll probably end up sat in watching some zombie horror porn dvds. I watched one last year and i was scared stiff.
Wednesday 22 October 2008
You’ve got mail....unfortunately
So Ringo Starr has asked fans to stop sending him mail. Fair enough really but the video he posted was a bit much. He resembles an embarassing Dad who's just found out how to use a webcam/the internet, unwittingly embarassing himself and others in the process. Check out his use of the zoom at the beginning.
In his message he warns us that any mail sent with a date after the 20th of October will be "tossed" in which case i intend to mail a jiffi bag of salad on the 21st.
If only it were that simple to avoid your letterbox being violated. I'd have no qualms about posting a similar video if it ruled out any repeat chance of receiving what i did in January this year. It haunts me to this day and remains the single most offensive peice of mail i've ever had the misfortune of receiving.
On the 15th of said month i "celebrated" 22 years of relative tedium. However 3 days later i woke to find a flyer lying on the doormat which raped my eyes and sent waves of embarassment throughout my body.
Behold.....
Fortunately i was spared the further humiliation of my parents, or anyone else for that matter picking up the mail and thinking i was part responsible for its arrival.
I dont know how these companies get your details but there should be laws to stop them creating things like this.
It pretty much speaks for itself, though i feel i deserve the last word and such is my irritation im unable to peice the sentences together properly.
* "Back with a vengeance" i'm not aware of where i was supposed to have even gone. Though i suppose for the sake of the whole FHM vibe it was probably Aiya Napa or some other typical haven for bell ends who like "having a laugh" with "the laaads".
* The reverse was littered with embarassing offers including promises of free birthday cake and "celeb treatment" all night - It'd be a true mark of how tragically empty your life had become if you thought that sounded appealing.
* I hate the WKD adverts with a passion, so why would i walk into a live 3 hour version of one?
In his message he warns us that any mail sent with a date after the 20th of October will be "tossed" in which case i intend to mail a jiffi bag of salad on the 21st.
If only it were that simple to avoid your letterbox being violated. I'd have no qualms about posting a similar video if it ruled out any repeat chance of receiving what i did in January this year. It haunts me to this day and remains the single most offensive peice of mail i've ever had the misfortune of receiving.
On the 15th of said month i "celebrated" 22 years of relative tedium. However 3 days later i woke to find a flyer lying on the doormat which raped my eyes and sent waves of embarassment throughout my body.
Behold.....
Fortunately i was spared the further humiliation of my parents, or anyone else for that matter picking up the mail and thinking i was part responsible for its arrival.
I dont know how these companies get your details but there should be laws to stop them creating things like this.
It pretty much speaks for itself, though i feel i deserve the last word and such is my irritation im unable to peice the sentences together properly.
* "Back with a vengeance" i'm not aware of where i was supposed to have even gone. Though i suppose for the sake of the whole FHM vibe it was probably Aiya Napa or some other typical haven for bell ends who like "having a laugh" with "the laaads".
* The reverse was littered with embarassing offers including promises of free birthday cake and "celeb treatment" all night - It'd be a true mark of how tragically empty your life had become if you thought that sounded appealing.
* I hate the WKD adverts with a passion, so why would i walk into a live 3 hour version of one?
Friday 17 October 2008
Financial Advice
I've been meaning to phone the bank to make sure my savings account is safe amidst all the financial bullshit thats been flying about.
However, rather than phone my local branch i decided to listen to some gangsta rap CD's. This proved invaluable as i came across some quite sound financial advice.
The following gems will no doubt help "all of y'all" stay out of the red.
1. Keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind.
2. Get Rich or die tryin'
3. Mo' money, mo' problems
However, rather than phone my local branch i decided to listen to some gangsta rap CD's. This proved invaluable as i came across some quite sound financial advice.
The following gems will no doubt help "all of y'all" stay out of the red.
1. Keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind.
2. Get Rich or die tryin'
3. Mo' money, mo' problems
Thursday 16 October 2008
I've decided to start blogging..
I thought well, Joe Bloggs so why can't i?
The above joke is probably reason enough for you to cease reading, delete me as a "friend" etc, but i don't mind if nobody reads this. It just feels good to type about various things and get a load of shit off my chest....
....not that i've been indulging in scat orgies or anything.
The above joke is probably reason enough for you to cease reading, delete me as a "friend" etc, but i don't mind if nobody reads this. It just feels good to type about various things and get a load of shit off my chest....
....not that i've been indulging in scat orgies or anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)