McOlympics

Given the lack of creativity in the McDonald’s Euro 2012 inspired menu - Cheese and bacon Striker anyone? - I’ve had a go at predicting items from their Olympic menu:

• Javelin Fries
• Athlete Meal
• Men’s 100M Burger

Fathers Dre

Just been browsing on play.com and noticed their suggested “gifts for Dad” featured a Dr Dre album.

I can imagine my Dad’s face upon receiving that.

Does this mean we’re finally moving away from the assumption that all Dad wants to do is embarrass himself around the house doing air guitar? : /

If so, I’m worried.

Worried because it serves as a horrible reminder of how the clock relentlessly ticks away and times change.

Every now and then stuff like this hits me and I feel incredibly old. 

Buzzing with the card I got for the awld fella though.....

I'm looking forward to Rio Ferdinand's Fathers day message. He'll do well to top last year's moving sentiments.

"Mooooooorning! happy fathers day to all those fathers who are there for their kids 24/7....the stay away dads work out that situation asap"

I'm still not quite prepared for the Euros and there's only 3 days to go before "Eng-er-land's" first game Vs France.

I've stocked up on Chicago Town "Footie Feast" Pizzas (conveniently re-released) and decked out the house in atrocious banners/decorations of course.

The dilemma I have is more fashion based.

You see, I don't know whether I should sit in the front garden on some shite plastic patio furniture, drinking cans of Carling in my England shirt. Or whether I should sit in the front garden on some shite plastic patio furniture, drinking cans of Carling shirtless.

All suggestions welcome.

Cleanin' Out My Closet

Had a bit of a clearout the other day.

Little did I know that I'd unearth some lost treasures.....

Used to collect these when I was 17. I have no explanation why. Wish I did.

I can even remember flying off the handle if ever I ripped the lids when peeling them off.

What was I going to do with them?

45 Chicken & Mushroom (1 King)

7 Bombay Bad Boy

2 Beef & Tomato

2 Chow Mein

Depressing.

Found this n'all

If only it was enforced for 24 years rather than 24 hours. 

It'd save me many a miserable evening on the fringe of the dancefloor staring into the abyss.

Someone saw sense at the checkout

A discarded "Jeff the Chef" parmo.

Other lines include Kebab meat.....you know for when you're pissed and doing the big shop for some reason.

Uhhhhh.

Told you.

I can and can't believe it.

Apparently when asked about the possibility of Michael Jackson following in 2Pac's footsteps -one of the "surviving members" of the Jackson 5- Jackie gave the idea the thumbs up....

"It could have been Michael — absolutely. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? As a matter of fact, we had that idea two years ago for Michael’s Cirque du Soleil show."

Yeah, that'd of been a real treat.

I remember watching some knackers MTV awards show years ago and they had a Yoda hologram presenting an award. I found it more embarassing than anything else. And that was ages ago, why the sudden clamour for Holograms now?

Having had more time to reflect on the 2pac hologram I'm now of the opinion that it was a total waste of time and nothing more than crass nostalgia.
The muted response from the audience was enough to suggest that holograms of other deceased artists are unlikely to move a crowd further than a state of 5% awe 95% bewilderment. So I hope this stops now before it becomes a craze.

Also I think it's important to remember that with all the advances in Techonology we wouldn't be that far off local pubs projecting holograms of the stars a few years down the line, thus making tribute acts, the likes of "Beatloaf" "Fred Zeppelin" & "Ron Jovi" redundant.

The only exception I would make is if anything ever happened to Rik Waller and he was taken before his time.

Holo-Grim

I noticed 2Pac was "trending" the other day.

My initial response was to sigh and let out a "for fuck sake" in the assumption that another rumour about how he's not dead was circulating.

Nor but mate, If he was dead, how did he sing "Ghetto Gospel" with Elton John?

Curiosity eventually got the better of me and I decided to scope out the latest buzz.

Turns out he was a hologram all along.

Or rather he did actually die back in 1996 and He was "revived" briefly at the weekend at Coachella in the form of a hologram.

I can only shrug my shoulders at the footage I've seen.

It's alright. But it hardly adds anything to his legacy. The same can be said for the majority of albums released after his death.

But then again I wasn't at Coachella and didn't see him in the flesh....or rays....of laser beam or whatever.

That said the crowd didn't seem to be going overly nuts. Suppose even for the most ardent fan it'd of been hard to digest.

Once the clip finished I closed the browser and carried on with my business...for about 30 seconds until it dawned on me.....

...There are almost definitely going to be calls for some kind of Michael Jackson hologram. Probably a full length arena tour. And people will pay crazy money for tickets.

Horrendous.

I thought "The Michael Jackson experience" on Nintendo wii represented the final scrapings of a barrel once brimming with shit.

But I'm 100% convinced this will happen on some scale in the next year or two.

Be warned.

Since it's Wrestlemania...

Q: What do they call that wrestler who's a hypochondriac?







A: The Ultimate Worrier

Sugs

Captured another lookalike the other week at Sunderland Dogs.



Alan Sugar no less.

We even got him to say "You're fired"

Good sport.

TFI Friday

Yes, I buzz off the end of the working week.




So I can waste time from the comfort of my own home.

Valentine's Day

Taking "our lass" to Nando's tonight.

There's nothing more Romantic than feeling obliged to take your bird out just because everyone else is.

Can't believe the Pandora "charms" craic is still going strong.

It's quite ironic really because more often than not the lads buying them as gifts are the most charmless people you could meet.

26 Years Wandering The Planet

The answers I seek may be at the bottom of this rather splendid jar.

I got 99 problems but the wallpaper in my living room ain't one

A taste of my own medicine I suppose.

I was bored waiting for the Palace V Cardiff match to start and decided to have a pop at Gary Neville to pass the time.
As the game kicked off I put my phone to one side and thought no more of it.
Such was the poor quality of the match I ended up falling asleep. When I awoke it was half time and I reverted back to Twitter to kill time before the restart.
I was agog when logging in to find I had 30+ @mentions. What could of happened?

It turned out Gary Neville had retweeted my jibe. For a split second I thought it was decent craic of him to acknowledge it as "banter"




Ever the cynic, I soon changed my stance as it became obvious he just wanted his followers to wade in and back him up. It had mixed success......







MattSellick9 clearly doesn't know me very well. A 25 year old man who still shares a room with his brother has better things to be embarassed about besides the Wallpaper in his living room. Especially since I had no input into the decorating.

And the witty DanMoorse Pointing out that I look like a bellend in "that hat" Isn't telling me anything I didn't already know. I look like a bellend no matter what I'm doing.

Well, GNev won in the end. I couldn't handle the limelight and shut down my Twitter account as a result. The alternative was to respond to all the abuse and in turn get more back. What's the point? Couldn't be arsed with all the notifications.
I've got a new profile now but trying to knock the celeb bashing on the head.

#THECHASEISBETTERTHANTHECATCH

Looking back, there was nothing remotely enjoyable about the Conquest's "Flaming Burger challenge"







It's far more challenging trying to work out what the customer gets out of it.

It wasn't really that nice, cost just under a tenner and made me feel like a sack of shit.

To add insult to injury I was denied my place on the "Wall of flame" due to a fault with the camera.

Probably for the best really. Someone would of only drawn a cock on it.

Imagine a you've been framed clip of some embarassing awld Grandad dancing like a cocky cunt whilst wearing a severely weathered planet of the apes mask......

You've just imagined Mick Jagger...Or rather, "the moves" of Mick Jagger.

Strange then that Maroon 5 see this as a positive and feel the need to celebrate his actions.

The song moooo-oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo-ooooooves me to tears.

2012

You're probably wondering how I've typed this and indeed how you're reading this, what with all that Mayan calendar craic signalling the end of Mankind in 2012.

It's just as well that it turned out to be a crock of shit otherwise this'd of been a waste of time......



£160 in total.

I could go down to ASDA, swagger on over to the Coinstar and have the greeter treat me like royalty.
But after all that time collecting I now begrudge the coinstar taking it's 8.9p of every pound. Take that out of £160 and you've got.......well a lot more than I'd like to give away.

I'll take it to the bank and maximise my return. Becoming something of a tight cunt now like. Can only be a good thing.

I'm well pleased with this achievement though, it's on a par with giving up Kebab meat in 2007. And it's another reminder that if I set my mind to it I can achieve anything.

Well maybe not anything...I'm struggling to think of a target for 2012. There's plenty of ways I could improve myself and improve my life but I need to be realistic.

It feels even more relevant that I should look to sort my craic out with a birthday fast approaching. As another year passes and I move another step towards the grave I can't help but wonder where the journey is taking me.

At the minute I'm semi content. My job, relationship and living situations could all be vastly improved but at the same time I don't really mind what I've got.

I've had no specific goals/targets for years now. Just been carrying on and seeing if anything happens. It probably wont with this attitude.