Happy Fathers Day

Maybe one day i'll be on the receiving end of one of these....



Cheap cards crack me up. Look at that. Some blokes playing Sunday league. How did they make it onto the front of a greeting card? What does it mean?

I wonder if they even know they're on it? Maybe one of them will only find out today. Imagine that. I might have to add "appear on a greeting card" to my list of ambitions. The list so far includes....

*Go to Oktoberfest
*Make Eggs Benedict
*Eat Eggs Bendict

Tragic i know but the Eggs Benedict part will probably be scaled down to merely eating as it's considerably less effort.

Bet you're wondering which rock n' roll Dad compilation CD i bought my "Old man". Well i didn't get him any. Because unlike adverts would have you believe not all Dads are sad air guitar wankers.

Shite said Fred

I've long been baffled by the shit Right Said Fred song "I'm too sexy"

It basically consists of Richard Fairbrass reeling off a list of things he deems himself to be too sexy for. This includes his car, his hat and various cities.

The song fails however to provide us with details of the consequences he faces as a result of being too sexy.

Does he have to get the bus everywhere? Or did he just get a new car? Also what criteria does he use in working out an appropriate sexiness to car ownership ratio. Maybe i'm too sexy for my car and i've been driving it for months unaware. That's unlikely though. I'm probably not sexy enough for it.

He's probably too sexy to ever explain and so we'll never know.

I'm sure i've been poisoned

Today has been far from productive.

I've spent most of the day in bed, occasionally getting out to be sick. I kept thinking about that Russian spy with his Polonium latté and thinking now it's happening to me. I'm at a loss as to what's brought on the illness but it's resulted in some tragic scenes.

First, after trying to revive myself by having a shower i was overcome by an urge to be sick whilst inside the cubicle. I surrendered, lay on the floor and started to wretch. After which i lay shuddering hoping the spray from the shower would wash me away.

I eventually went back to bed. 20 minutes passed and i got that feeling again. This time i'd be able to use the toilet though. Or not, as it was occupied by my defacating Father.
Forced to improvise i grabbed a shoebox and began filling it with bile. Problem was it started leaking out the sides and so i had to scramble about to find something that'd catch the drops. The only thing i could find however was an England flag. So somehow from the confines of my bed i've managed to insult the nation.

Being sick on the flag is probably one of those crimes still punishable by death. So if the polonium doesn't get me i'll be fucked anyway.

One last batch of unbearable anuses

So tonight sees the last batch of housemates enter the big brother house. Thank christ!

I'm only aware of this because it seems to be dominating my "feed" on facebook. I obviously need to hide a few people.

It's baffling that people are happy to sit and watch a bunch of pricks walk through a door though. If ever i feel the need to look at a wanker entering a house i'll just set up a mirror outside my front door thank you.

The only reason i could justify watching is if one of the housemates was a sort of saboteur and started shitting in the cereal boxes and stuff like that. But i'm not prepared to watch on the off chance of that happening. I'd be able to catch it on youtube anyway.

Ava-word

I really wish people would stop banging on about Avatar. It was released fucking ages ago yet still we see twatty blue creatures all over bus stops etc. Go see the film, buy the DVD, don't forget the Blu Ray version. Surely there's no other format left. They'll find something though.

Of all the things i've been told i've just got to do, (get a parmo, go to the Magpie for fish n' chips, swim with Dolphins, meet Nelson Mandela, etc) watching Avatar has started to fuck me off the most. It doesn't even look good. Even if it did, the way people crow about it would probably make me not want to see it anyway. But that's irrelevant because it looks truly shit.

An IT nerd insisted that it's "amazing" and to back this up recalled a certain point in the film where some flies were swarming about and "it felt like they were right in my face, i was trying to swat them away" I could of replied by saying "i know the feeling" but instead just looked at him and went "mmm". I'm not sure about anyone else but i find the idea of swatting flies away a bit of a chore so this doesn't really appeal. And for the same reason i wouldn't want to watch "Old Peoples Home The Movie" in 3D and feel obliged to wipe faeces off 3D anuses.

3D isn't even a new concept so i don't get the sudden buzz over everything being in 3D. I feel like a wanker wearing standard glasses so the last thing i'd want is to be wearing a cardboard pair every time i fancy seeing a good film. Which Avatar isn't.

A moral dilemma

At the time of writing i'm 1 hour and 40 minutes away from an embarassing scenario.

My Dad has volunteered to help at some "fun day" for a local childrens hospice. I'm told there'll be all the usual stalls etc including a "beat the goalie" competition. This is where i come in. Apparently the keeper is injured and so i've been guilt tripped into filling in.

I don't really mind helping out. I probably don't do enough for charity. But it's just gonna be a bit embarassing stood about in a footy kit. And with it being local there's bound to be people i know milling about. It's also left me facing a moral dilemma.

Do i let the kids score? Do i let them have their moment of joy? or do i repel everything that comes my way like a heartless football ogre?

Rio merked good and proper

haha, Rio Ferdinand has been snapped in a training session and will miss the world cup.

Apparently it was in a challenge with Emile Heskey. It's likely to be his only decent contribution to our chances as he's the absolute billy shits and couldn't score in a brothel.