My favourite song about a sleeping GP is probably Dr Jones by Aqua.
Also... when Shaggy said "It wasn't me" was this in response to someone asking him "who made a positive contribution to pop music in the 1990's/early 2000?"
Monday 31 May 2010
My Milkshake
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard however such is it's low quality and poor taste many of them leave dis-satisfied and vow never to return.
Saturday 29 May 2010
A testament to human stupidity
I'm not that into other people.
Problem is though, they do exist. And it's impossible to avoid them. A fact that becomes tragically evident whenever you go to a supermarket.
Doing the "big shop" is absolutely dire and i know i've ranted about this topic before so i'll try not to go on too long.
The only redeeming feature i've found is getting a cheap laugh out of the own brand products such as "Neat Wheat" etc. Lidl is a goldmine for this kind of thing and it's always the highlight of the trip. I'll take pictures on my phone of items i find particularly amusing. It's worth the risk of looking a bit odd- What? seen him taking pictures of stuff, that's weird. So fuck mate. you shop in Lidl, so there's no real winners here- I'll get round to uploading them eventually....then you'll see.
Anyway back to people. The general public are just awful. But in the more scunnery shops the clientel are almost sub human. Netto on saturday being a prime example. It was here that i heard the most ridiculous conversation ever.....
Two scunners were filling their trolley with gear for what looked likely to be the most depressing camping trip ever. (I'm basing this on the fact that they had 2 sleeping bags, loads of yoghurts, a few bottles of Lambrini & some Spaghetti Hoops) At the checkout one of the duo noticed a pack of batteries and remarked "These ones charge themselves"
I'm not entirely sure what he meant by this but i'm guessing that they were rechargable. Idiotic yes, but i could let that go. What happened next though can't be excused. His mate asked "So what do you do then?......Just put them in a pan?" At which point i almost lost the will to live. Sadly i was so incensed by the idiocy of the pair that i couldn't focus properly and missed the rest of the conversation but fucking hell. Yeah mate. Just whack them in the pan. Of course. Christ, how do you get that fucking stupid? Really?
Problem is though, they do exist. And it's impossible to avoid them. A fact that becomes tragically evident whenever you go to a supermarket.
Doing the "big shop" is absolutely dire and i know i've ranted about this topic before so i'll try not to go on too long.
The only redeeming feature i've found is getting a cheap laugh out of the own brand products such as "Neat Wheat" etc. Lidl is a goldmine for this kind of thing and it's always the highlight of the trip. I'll take pictures on my phone of items i find particularly amusing. It's worth the risk of looking a bit odd- What? seen him taking pictures of stuff, that's weird. So fuck mate. you shop in Lidl, so there's no real winners here- I'll get round to uploading them eventually....then you'll see.
Anyway back to people. The general public are just awful. But in the more scunnery shops the clientel are almost sub human. Netto on saturday being a prime example. It was here that i heard the most ridiculous conversation ever.....
Two scunners were filling their trolley with gear for what looked likely to be the most depressing camping trip ever. (I'm basing this on the fact that they had 2 sleeping bags, loads of yoghurts, a few bottles of Lambrini & some Spaghetti Hoops) At the checkout one of the duo noticed a pack of batteries and remarked "These ones charge themselves"
I'm not entirely sure what he meant by this but i'm guessing that they were rechargable. Idiotic yes, but i could let that go. What happened next though can't be excused. His mate asked "So what do you do then?......Just put them in a pan?" At which point i almost lost the will to live. Sadly i was so incensed by the idiocy of the pair that i couldn't focus properly and missed the rest of the conversation but fucking hell. Yeah mate. Just whack them in the pan. Of course. Christ, how do you get that fucking stupid? Really?
Thursday 20 May 2010
A dream come true
Often i daydream and think wouldn't it be class to write an episode of Eastenders where someone goes mental and does something absolutely crackers?
Like Billy Mitchell setting up a harness that spins round in the Queen Vic then stripping naked, fastening himself in and proceeding to defacate on the entire cast for a full 2 minutes. After which they start to bottle him, then cut him down, kick him to death and toss his corpse out into the square.
Sadly though my visions will never make it onto your screens but tonight the next best thing happened.
I'll probably post a youtube link when someone uploads the clip but basically Phil Mitchell calls someone a stupid fat cow then runs home and punches his son (who's about 10 years old) full force in the face.
Genius.
Like Billy Mitchell setting up a harness that spins round in the Queen Vic then stripping naked, fastening himself in and proceeding to defacate on the entire cast for a full 2 minutes. After which they start to bottle him, then cut him down, kick him to death and toss his corpse out into the square.
Sadly though my visions will never make it onto your screens but tonight the next best thing happened.
I'll probably post a youtube link when someone uploads the clip but basically Phil Mitchell calls someone a stupid fat cow then runs home and punches his son (who's about 10 years old) full force in the face.
Genius.
Tuesday 18 May 2010
Sticking at it
I'm making good progress with my World cup sticker album....
I'm still quick to dismiss any comments about it being childish "how old are you?" etc. It's not as if i'm pissing my pants in a supermarket or building a den.
I don't even get embarassed at the checkout. Well i did once but theres a story to it....
They were giving away a free pack of stickers in Morrisons when you spend £20 or more. So when i was shopping with my Dad he asked the old lady in front of us if she was using her stickers. This just confused her and caused blank looks all round. I could only watch in horror whilst turning betroot red until the situation eased.
Anyway, after failing to fill the 2006 album i'm determined to fill this year.
At 50p a packet (5 stickers) though, my wallet is taking a hammering. Luckily a friend has gone a bit nuts, spent a crazy amount and given me a load of his swaps for free. These days we don't have the luxury of a playground full of kids to swap with....well without getting taken down the station for questioning.
It's a bit of a shame like. I sort of miss the element of swapping this time round. Everyone remembers "Got, got, need"
With less people to trade with i've taken to grabbing a handful of my swaps each time i go on a night out and then occasionally leaving them on walls, windows etc. It provides mild amusement.
In school i had about 50x Uwe Roslers (the former Man City ace) at one point. These days oafish, quivering lipped, cretin Rio Ferdinand appears to be the most common swap. Much to my dismay. Maybe it's one of his hilarious "world cup wind ups"
I'm still quick to dismiss any comments about it being childish "how old are you?" etc. It's not as if i'm pissing my pants in a supermarket or building a den.
I don't even get embarassed at the checkout. Well i did once but theres a story to it....
They were giving away a free pack of stickers in Morrisons when you spend £20 or more. So when i was shopping with my Dad he asked the old lady in front of us if she was using her stickers. This just confused her and caused blank looks all round. I could only watch in horror whilst turning betroot red until the situation eased.
Anyway, after failing to fill the 2006 album i'm determined to fill this year.
At 50p a packet (5 stickers) though, my wallet is taking a hammering. Luckily a friend has gone a bit nuts, spent a crazy amount and given me a load of his swaps for free. These days we don't have the luxury of a playground full of kids to swap with....well without getting taken down the station for questioning.
It's a bit of a shame like. I sort of miss the element of swapping this time round. Everyone remembers "Got, got, need"
With less people to trade with i've taken to grabbing a handful of my swaps each time i go on a night out and then occasionally leaving them on walls, windows etc. It provides mild amusement.
In school i had about 50x Uwe Roslers (the former Man City ace) at one point. These days oafish, quivering lipped, cretin Rio Ferdinand appears to be the most common swap. Much to my dismay. Maybe it's one of his hilarious "world cup wind ups"
Sunday 16 May 2010
Nor but mate, it's like eating football!
Don't know about you but when i think about football my mind instantly projects images of meatballs, pepperoni and other tiny miscellaneous peices of meat strewn across a cheese and tomato base.
Thank heavens then that Chicago Town have just uveiled their "footie feast" pizza in time for the world cup.
Thank heavens then that Chicago Town have just uveiled their "footie feast" pizza in time for the world cup.
Wednesday 12 May 2010
I need to sort out my priorities
I've just had a pretty bad fall in the garage. I was bringing some cans in for the match and as i navigated my way through the clutter i lost balance, gradually toppled over and grazed my back on some gym apparatus.
The tragic part is that, had i just dropped the cans i'd of been able to break my fall or avert danger completely by grabbing onto something. So it begs the question do i really value the wellbeing of 4 cans of Carlsberg over my own health?
It's pathetic. At least i'm not as bad as that Australian guy who was in the paper last year. He got pulled over as his kid wasn't wearing a seatbelt yet on closer inspection the officers noticed he'd at least managed to strap in his cases of booze.
Anyway, come on Fulham!
The tragic part is that, had i just dropped the cans i'd of been able to break my fall or avert danger completely by grabbing onto something. So it begs the question do i really value the wellbeing of 4 cans of Carlsberg over my own health?
It's pathetic. At least i'm not as bad as that Australian guy who was in the paper last year. He got pulled over as his kid wasn't wearing a seatbelt yet on closer inspection the officers noticed he'd at least managed to strap in his cases of booze.
Anyway, come on Fulham!
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Houzo?
I've dreamt up the perfect cocktail for all those summer parties.
It's basically half a glass of hot dog brine mixed with half a glass of Ouzo.
Now it just needs a name.
It's basically half a glass of hot dog brine mixed with half a glass of Ouzo.
Now it just needs a name.
Monday 10 May 2010
A wasted gag at the expense of Frank Skinner
Usually i get annoyed by people leaving CD's, DVD's etc lying around but today it provided a great comedy moment.
Well maybe not great but it made me laugh.
After inserting a badly scratched game into the Xbox i saw a message which read "disc unreadable" to which i quipped "much like Frank Skinner's autobiography"
Sadly though i was lacking an audience and the joke was wasted....or not. As i'm now rehashing it on the internet.
Well maybe not great but it made me laugh.
After inserting a badly scratched game into the Xbox i saw a message which read "disc unreadable" to which i quipped "much like Frank Skinner's autobiography"
Sadly though i was lacking an audience and the joke was wasted....or not. As i'm now rehashing it on the internet.
Tuesday 4 May 2010
Junk Mail
Some of the junk mail that passes through our letterbox is just ridiculous. It seems that every day in Middlesbrough there's a new takeaway opening, and the owners are only too keen to show us their "exciting" new menu. More often than not it'll be the kind with unflattering pictures of the food. Like a pizza that looks like it's been dropped on the floor then hastily scooped onto a plate for a quick photoshoot. They may as well show a picture of some drunk dangling a strip of kebab meat into their mouth for all the presentation is worth.
With the election just around the corner we've been bombarded by mail from the various parties. The amount of Ian Swales leaflets in particular has got beyond irritating. Christ knows what the Lib Dems budget is but if the stack of unopened mail on our table is anything to go by then it hasn't been money well spent.
Anyway, the piece of mail that prompted me to write this was a promotional flyer for a bouncy castle hire company. Their "special offer" being - hire 4 castles and get your 5th one free. I bet their phonelines are off the fucking hook.
4 Bouncy castles for the price of 5. What a deal!
How many bouncy castle events does the average household host per year?
You wonder what goes on in peoples heads. Also a quick glance at google earth would of told them that the majority of houses round our way aren't capable of housing a bouncy castle.
The flyer also claims that a bouncy castle is ideal for any celebration and then goes on to list...
*Playgroups
*School Fetes
*Birthdays
*Barbequeues
*Fundays
*School holiday entertainment
But of the above i only recognise a birthday as being a valid celebration.
"Hey cool bouncy castle, what are you guys celebrating?"
"Hey man thanks, we're just celebrating our barbequeue, y'know"
A celebration of charred sausages, and Dad's wearing shite comedy aprons.
It's the most inappropriate peice of mail i've received since this old chestnut from 2008..
With the election just around the corner we've been bombarded by mail from the various parties. The amount of Ian Swales leaflets in particular has got beyond irritating. Christ knows what the Lib Dems budget is but if the stack of unopened mail on our table is anything to go by then it hasn't been money well spent.
Anyway, the piece of mail that prompted me to write this was a promotional flyer for a bouncy castle hire company. Their "special offer" being - hire 4 castles and get your 5th one free. I bet their phonelines are off the fucking hook.
4 Bouncy castles for the price of 5. What a deal!
How many bouncy castle events does the average household host per year?
You wonder what goes on in peoples heads. Also a quick glance at google earth would of told them that the majority of houses round our way aren't capable of housing a bouncy castle.
The flyer also claims that a bouncy castle is ideal for any celebration and then goes on to list...
*Playgroups
*School Fetes
*Birthdays
*Barbequeues
*Fundays
*School holiday entertainment
But of the above i only recognise a birthday as being a valid celebration.
"Hey cool bouncy castle, what are you guys celebrating?"
"Hey man thanks, we're just celebrating our barbequeue, y'know"
A celebration of charred sausages, and Dad's wearing shite comedy aprons.
It's the most inappropriate peice of mail i've received since this old chestnut from 2008..
Monday 3 May 2010
Bank holiday blues
Boredom strikes again so i find myself writing another blog.
It's bank holiday. The weekend has been pretty uneventful. It's been nice to have a bit of time off work though even if i have ended up going stir crazy today.
I can count 3 notable incidents where the general public have riled me over this weekend.
1. As i put the lottery on in the co-op i was asked to produce ID. The conversation went...
Checkout girl: I'll need to see some ID
Me: Come on, i'm 24.....i put the lottery on every week in here
Checkout girl: You have to look over 25
Me: You only have to be 16 to play the lottery, do you think i'm 15?
Checkout girl: I'm sorry i can't serve you
Me: Well forget about these as well then
I then proceeded to throw a handful of footy stickers onto the counter. I left feeling angry but also self satisfied, safe in the knowledge that she'd have to put them back.
But what an idiot, she was clearly thinking of alcohol when she quoted the over 25 rule. And that's a load of bollocks anyway. The age is 18 for alcohol so where does 25 come from? I'll happily admit i look quite youthful and i don't feel 24 but to be considered 15 is just ridiculous.
2. A bloke in ASDA paid for a sandwich and a newspaper using his card. I thought there was a minimum amount for this. It fucks me off big time when people don't just deal in cash. Especially when i'm in a rush.
3.????????
I've forgotten what the 3rd thing was. Maybe i'll remember. Maybe i wont. I'm worried about my memory lately. Hmmm. I'm sure it was to do with driving or something.
Anyway as i mentioned above yes, i'm collecting footy stickers. I do it every time the World cup is on. Yes it's childish but what are you gonnna do? I was inspired after seeing an old antiques roadshow where someone had loads of old albums all filled and they were valued at something crackers. Though realistically by the time mine will be worth anything i'll be too old to spend the money on anything enjoyable. A gold plated zimmer frame perhaps, a state of the art hearing aid. It's not worth thinking about. At least i wont still be getting ID'd at that age...
... i hope.
It's bank holiday. The weekend has been pretty uneventful. It's been nice to have a bit of time off work though even if i have ended up going stir crazy today.
I can count 3 notable incidents where the general public have riled me over this weekend.
1. As i put the lottery on in the co-op i was asked to produce ID. The conversation went...
Checkout girl: I'll need to see some ID
Me: Come on, i'm 24.....i put the lottery on every week in here
Checkout girl: You have to look over 25
Me: You only have to be 16 to play the lottery, do you think i'm 15?
Checkout girl: I'm sorry i can't serve you
Me: Well forget about these as well then
I then proceeded to throw a handful of footy stickers onto the counter. I left feeling angry but also self satisfied, safe in the knowledge that she'd have to put them back.
But what an idiot, she was clearly thinking of alcohol when she quoted the over 25 rule. And that's a load of bollocks anyway. The age is 18 for alcohol so where does 25 come from? I'll happily admit i look quite youthful and i don't feel 24 but to be considered 15 is just ridiculous.
2. A bloke in ASDA paid for a sandwich and a newspaper using his card. I thought there was a minimum amount for this. It fucks me off big time when people don't just deal in cash. Especially when i'm in a rush.
3.????????
I've forgotten what the 3rd thing was. Maybe i'll remember. Maybe i wont. I'm worried about my memory lately. Hmmm. I'm sure it was to do with driving or something.
Anyway as i mentioned above yes, i'm collecting footy stickers. I do it every time the World cup is on. Yes it's childish but what are you gonnna do? I was inspired after seeing an old antiques roadshow where someone had loads of old albums all filled and they were valued at something crackers. Though realistically by the time mine will be worth anything i'll be too old to spend the money on anything enjoyable. A gold plated zimmer frame perhaps, a state of the art hearing aid. It's not worth thinking about. At least i wont still be getting ID'd at that age...
... i hope.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Giving off the impression that i'm a tit
As you can see i have far too much time on my hands....
I frequently find myself getting the urge to do shite celebrtiy impressions. Mainly when i'm alone in the house or driving or something. I can't explain why but hopefully it's not that weird. It's been happening for a few years and goes in cycles but at the moment i find myself doing a lot of Ozzy Osbourne. Previous celebs include, Michael Caine, Duncan Bannatyne, Gordon Ramsay and possibly my favourite...Alan Sugar (that routine consisted of me repeatedly saying "A total mess....You're fired" in a vaguely aggresive cockney squeak)
I'm well aware that they're shit impressions but that's part of the gag i think.
Hmmm, having watched it back i noticed the lighting isn't great and it kinda looks like one of those videos where you see a rape victim reliving their ordeal or an ex SAS soldier droning on about some mission that you're not supposed to know about. For the record, i am none of these.
I frequently find myself getting the urge to do shite celebrtiy impressions. Mainly when i'm alone in the house or driving or something. I can't explain why but hopefully it's not that weird. It's been happening for a few years and goes in cycles but at the moment i find myself doing a lot of Ozzy Osbourne. Previous celebs include, Michael Caine, Duncan Bannatyne, Gordon Ramsay and possibly my favourite...Alan Sugar (that routine consisted of me repeatedly saying "A total mess....You're fired" in a vaguely aggresive cockney squeak)
I'm well aware that they're shit impressions but that's part of the gag i think.
Hmmm, having watched it back i noticed the lighting isn't great and it kinda looks like one of those videos where you see a rape victim reliving their ordeal or an ex SAS soldier droning on about some mission that you're not supposed to know about. For the record, i am none of these.
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