HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of Back to the future......It says back to the boozer.
And the font is the same as on the film poster.
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA
HAHA
HA
HAHAHAHAHA
Fucking funny isn't it?
I've lost count of the amount of blokes i've seen wearing these T-shirts.
This reminds me. I'm going to Whitby on saturday and there's a particular shop which seems to specialise in embarassing T-shirts. I'm going to take my camera and upload the pictures onto here so we can all cringe together.
Wednesday 30 June 2010
Monday 28 June 2010
Some shit gags
I've got this pipe dream of one day writing a comedy series. Over the years i've scribbled down a load of ideas and now i've finally decided i'm gonna get round to peicing them together. It's the one thing i feel capable of. And i suddenly feel inspired and motivated to at least have a go. So i'm gonna focus on that in my spare time. If James Corden can do it anyone can.
Among the notes i found a worrying peice of paper which reads like the worst stand up routine known to man. I was just writing deliberate shit jokes for use in a particular scene where someone tells a bad joke. It's hard to explain but the following are no reflection on what i hope my work will turn out like....
* I saw that John Wayne film where he eats a bowl of Tagliatelle. I don't usually watch spaghetti westerns.
*I can't watch ET without reaching for the tissues. I've got a thing for Aliens see.
*I was working in a factory making throat sweets. I was late in one time and the boss went fucking menthol.
*Bigfoot threw me out of his taxi the other day. I kept on asking "are we there yeti?"
*He later quit the taxis, said he was fed up of people talking behind his back.
*I got into an argument with a Quiche. It was giving it the big flan routine.
*I went to the gym with a couple of evil spirits. I was just excercising my demons.
So yea.
Among the notes i found a worrying peice of paper which reads like the worst stand up routine known to man. I was just writing deliberate shit jokes for use in a particular scene where someone tells a bad joke. It's hard to explain but the following are no reflection on what i hope my work will turn out like....
* I saw that John Wayne film where he eats a bowl of Tagliatelle. I don't usually watch spaghetti westerns.
*I can't watch ET without reaching for the tissues. I've got a thing for Aliens see.
*I was working in a factory making throat sweets. I was late in one time and the boss went fucking menthol.
*Bigfoot threw me out of his taxi the other day. I kept on asking "are we there yeti?"
*He later quit the taxis, said he was fed up of people talking behind his back.
*I got into an argument with a Quiche. It was giving it the big flan routine.
*I went to the gym with a couple of evil spirits. I was just excercising my demons.
So yea.
Sunday 27 June 2010
On your bike
I'm quite pleased with myself having been out on the bike 3 times already.
The experiences varied. The first was a mere cycle round the block which passed without incident. Next time i thought i'd go a bit further but sadly crashed half way to Guisborough and decided to turn back gashed and defeated. The third time i explored the local Woodland centre, subsequently got lost and interrupted a medieval re-enactment of some sort. I didn't realise how big the place was and wasn't sure where any of the paths led. I certainly didn't expect to see a bloke in a full suit of armour and 3 other guys in peasant attire.
They blatantly didn't have cyclists back then so it was obvious i'd killed the vibe. They all looked irritated as i passed by. I half expected an arrow in my back. It's baffling how some people spend their free time. How empty does your life have to get before you start hanging round in the woods pretending you're a Knight. Lancealot? more like hasalot.......of issues.
It's got me wondering though, what's the minimum amount of time these people will wait before re-enacting things? Will they eventually do Vietnam? What about Iraq? Does it even have to be a war? These guys didn't seem to be fighting. Just standing around chatting. Will someone in the future re-enact and everday Englishman circa 2010. If i go cycling in 30 years time will i come across a group of blokes stood by a burning bin, in tracksuits moaning about the "credit crunch" and eating all day breakfast out of a can?
Time will tell.
The experiences varied. The first was a mere cycle round the block which passed without incident. Next time i thought i'd go a bit further but sadly crashed half way to Guisborough and decided to turn back gashed and defeated. The third time i explored the local Woodland centre, subsequently got lost and interrupted a medieval re-enactment of some sort. I didn't realise how big the place was and wasn't sure where any of the paths led. I certainly didn't expect to see a bloke in a full suit of armour and 3 other guys in peasant attire.
They blatantly didn't have cyclists back then so it was obvious i'd killed the vibe. They all looked irritated as i passed by. I half expected an arrow in my back. It's baffling how some people spend their free time. How empty does your life have to get before you start hanging round in the woods pretending you're a Knight. Lancealot? more like hasalot.......of issues.
It's got me wondering though, what's the minimum amount of time these people will wait before re-enacting things? Will they eventually do Vietnam? What about Iraq? Does it even have to be a war? These guys didn't seem to be fighting. Just standing around chatting. Will someone in the future re-enact and everday Englishman circa 2010. If i go cycling in 30 years time will i come across a group of blokes stood by a burning bin, in tracksuits moaning about the "credit crunch" and eating all day breakfast out of a can?
Time will tell.
Wednesday 23 June 2010
RE: Cycling
I recently took advantage of the NHS cycle to work scheme. Not that i'm one of those eco friendly types. I just though a £300 bike for £50 was a good deal. Little did i know i'd also have to trade in my dignity.
Part of the scheme required customers to embark on a cycling lesson. I did mine last night round some scruffy estate. It was particularly embarassing as the sun was out and so the locals were all sat in their front gardens and all too eager to make wisecracks.
The instructor insisted in riding in the middle of the road and so i was also subjected to beeps from cars and foul mouthed tirades. Being a driver though i could totally understand their frustration and felt like a complete anus. To make matters worse i had to wear a hi-vis backpack and massive helmet.
In all honesty i think i'd rather smash my skull into a thousand peices than wear it again.
At £50 though you can't fall off really....but if you do you'll be glad for your helmet.
Part of the scheme required customers to embark on a cycling lesson. I did mine last night round some scruffy estate. It was particularly embarassing as the sun was out and so the locals were all sat in their front gardens and all too eager to make wisecracks.
The instructor insisted in riding in the middle of the road and so i was also subjected to beeps from cars and foul mouthed tirades. Being a driver though i could totally understand their frustration and felt like a complete anus. To make matters worse i had to wear a hi-vis backpack and massive helmet.
In all honesty i think i'd rather smash my skull into a thousand peices than wear it again.
At £50 though you can't fall off really....but if you do you'll be glad for your helmet.
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Adverts i'd like to see...
A 'flamin' hot' Walkers crisps advert where Gazza gets thrown out of a Jesmond take-away and goes back to his high rise to make chips. Here he falls asleep and a chip pan fire ensues, ultimately killing him. Gary Lineker then emerges from the flames cackling and eating crisps.
Walkers crisps advert where Gazza gets wrecked and writes off his car. Then while he's unconscious and slumped over the wheel Gary Lineker comes and steals his bag of ready salted off the dashboard.
Walkers crisps advert where Gazza gets wrecked and writes off his car. Then while he's unconscious and slumped over the wheel Gary Lineker comes and steals his bag of ready salted off the dashboard.
Receipts
Payday can't come soon enough. The following receipt is testament to that....
Not only am i reduced to buying low end alcohol for tomorrows game but i'm then goaded about my lack of clubcard and am presumably meant to cry all the way home, lamenting the missed opportunity to rack up 12 clubcard points. :'(
Receipts are quite funny sometimes. I like to speculate about what use various items are being put to. Usually i try to twist the most innocent looking list into something about a gang bang or something.
Even without being a pervert sometimes a list of random items can seem funny. If only because they paint a tragic picture of the customer and their lifestyle. I'll try to remember to save anymore i find amusing.
Not only am i reduced to buying low end alcohol for tomorrows game but i'm then goaded about my lack of clubcard and am presumably meant to cry all the way home, lamenting the missed opportunity to rack up 12 clubcard points. :'(
Receipts are quite funny sometimes. I like to speculate about what use various items are being put to. Usually i try to twist the most innocent looking list into something about a gang bang or something.
Even without being a pervert sometimes a list of random items can seem funny. If only because they paint a tragic picture of the customer and their lifestyle. I'll try to remember to save anymore i find amusing.
Monday 21 June 2010
A riddle
I'm on a Stag night with people i have only tenuous links to. This includes a bloke who sells CD's on a market stall and never really speaks to anyone. I'm currently drinking bottles of "Jenkins" but i necked a couple of cans of Skoe before i came out so i'm pretty cunted.
We had a mint curry in Fargos and now we're tearing it up in a nightclub despite it still being light outside. DJ Fatboy is on the decks. He's an unbearable character who nobody could possibly care about yet somehow he's landed a gig at the hippest nightclub in town.
Earlier today i was feeling a bit down so i sat on arsehole's bench (Arthur's bench) for a bit, then moped across to the Laundrette and watched some shitty undies spin round for a bit. Always cheers me up does that. Once the spin cycle completed i had a walk over the park and sat on the swings. As i walked past the market stalls everyone started pointing at me and whispering in an over exaggerated manner. I love the market though. I buy all my clothes there and all my fruit n' veg. Anything else i need i can just pick up in the minute mart. I get staff discount. I love working there. Sometimes i think we're over worked though. I wish Patrick would employ more staff. I get paid peanuts like but i don't let it stop me from having breakfast in the cafe every day and going to The Vic every night. I've got a car but rarely stray from "The Square"
Where am i?
Trapped inside a particularly woeful episode of Eastenders that's where.
We had a mint curry in Fargos and now we're tearing it up in a nightclub despite it still being light outside. DJ Fatboy is on the decks. He's an unbearable character who nobody could possibly care about yet somehow he's landed a gig at the hippest nightclub in town.
Earlier today i was feeling a bit down so i sat on arsehole's bench (Arthur's bench) for a bit, then moped across to the Laundrette and watched some shitty undies spin round for a bit. Always cheers me up does that. Once the spin cycle completed i had a walk over the park and sat on the swings. As i walked past the market stalls everyone started pointing at me and whispering in an over exaggerated manner. I love the market though. I buy all my clothes there and all my fruit n' veg. Anything else i need i can just pick up in the minute mart. I get staff discount. I love working there. Sometimes i think we're over worked though. I wish Patrick would employ more staff. I get paid peanuts like but i don't let it stop me from having breakfast in the cafe every day and going to The Vic every night. I've got a car but rarely stray from "The Square"
Where am i?
Trapped inside a particularly woeful episode of Eastenders that's where.
Come on England!
This is about as patriotic as i'm going to get. Hiding the flag out the back in shame. We'll probably get knocked out tomorrow anyway then we can throw all our cheap memorabilia on the fire.
At least there's no way i can be sick on this one.
At least there's no way i can be sick on this one.
Sunday 20 June 2010
Happy Fathers Day
Maybe one day i'll be on the receiving end of one of these....
Cheap cards crack me up. Look at that. Some blokes playing Sunday league. How did they make it onto the front of a greeting card? What does it mean?
I wonder if they even know they're on it? Maybe one of them will only find out today. Imagine that. I might have to add "appear on a greeting card" to my list of ambitions. The list so far includes....
*Go to Oktoberfest
*Make Eggs Benedict
*Eat Eggs Bendict
Tragic i know but the Eggs Benedict part will probably be scaled down to merely eating as it's considerably less effort.
Bet you're wondering which rock n' roll Dad compilation CD i bought my "Old man". Well i didn't get him any. Because unlike adverts would have you believe not all Dads are sad air guitar wankers.
Cheap cards crack me up. Look at that. Some blokes playing Sunday league. How did they make it onto the front of a greeting card? What does it mean?
I wonder if they even know they're on it? Maybe one of them will only find out today. Imagine that. I might have to add "appear on a greeting card" to my list of ambitions. The list so far includes....
*Go to Oktoberfest
*Make Eggs Benedict
*Eat Eggs Bendict
Tragic i know but the Eggs Benedict part will probably be scaled down to merely eating as it's considerably less effort.
Bet you're wondering which rock n' roll Dad compilation CD i bought my "Old man". Well i didn't get him any. Because unlike adverts would have you believe not all Dads are sad air guitar wankers.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Shite said Fred
I've long been baffled by the shit Right Said Fred song "I'm too sexy"
It basically consists of Richard Fairbrass reeling off a list of things he deems himself to be too sexy for. This includes his car, his hat and various cities.
The song fails however to provide us with details of the consequences he faces as a result of being too sexy.
Does he have to get the bus everywhere? Or did he just get a new car? Also what criteria does he use in working out an appropriate sexiness to car ownership ratio. Maybe i'm too sexy for my car and i've been driving it for months unaware. That's unlikely though. I'm probably not sexy enough for it.
He's probably too sexy to ever explain and so we'll never know.
It basically consists of Richard Fairbrass reeling off a list of things he deems himself to be too sexy for. This includes his car, his hat and various cities.
The song fails however to provide us with details of the consequences he faces as a result of being too sexy.
Does he have to get the bus everywhere? Or did he just get a new car? Also what criteria does he use in working out an appropriate sexiness to car ownership ratio. Maybe i'm too sexy for my car and i've been driving it for months unaware. That's unlikely though. I'm probably not sexy enough for it.
He's probably too sexy to ever explain and so we'll never know.
Sunday 13 June 2010
I'm sure i've been poisoned
Today has been far from productive.
I've spent most of the day in bed, occasionally getting out to be sick. I kept thinking about that Russian spy with his Polonium latté and thinking now it's happening to me. I'm at a loss as to what's brought on the illness but it's resulted in some tragic scenes.
First, after trying to revive myself by having a shower i was overcome by an urge to be sick whilst inside the cubicle. I surrendered, lay on the floor and started to wretch. After which i lay shuddering hoping the spray from the shower would wash me away.
I eventually went back to bed. 20 minutes passed and i got that feeling again. This time i'd be able to use the toilet though. Or not, as it was occupied by my defacating Father.
Forced to improvise i grabbed a shoebox and began filling it with bile. Problem was it started leaking out the sides and so i had to scramble about to find something that'd catch the drops. The only thing i could find however was an England flag. So somehow from the confines of my bed i've managed to insult the nation.
Being sick on the flag is probably one of those crimes still punishable by death. So if the polonium doesn't get me i'll be fucked anyway.
I've spent most of the day in bed, occasionally getting out to be sick. I kept thinking about that Russian spy with his Polonium latté and thinking now it's happening to me. I'm at a loss as to what's brought on the illness but it's resulted in some tragic scenes.
First, after trying to revive myself by having a shower i was overcome by an urge to be sick whilst inside the cubicle. I surrendered, lay on the floor and started to wretch. After which i lay shuddering hoping the spray from the shower would wash me away.
I eventually went back to bed. 20 minutes passed and i got that feeling again. This time i'd be able to use the toilet though. Or not, as it was occupied by my defacating Father.
Forced to improvise i grabbed a shoebox and began filling it with bile. Problem was it started leaking out the sides and so i had to scramble about to find something that'd catch the drops. The only thing i could find however was an England flag. So somehow from the confines of my bed i've managed to insult the nation.
Being sick on the flag is probably one of those crimes still punishable by death. So if the polonium doesn't get me i'll be fucked anyway.
Wednesday 9 June 2010
One last batch of unbearable anuses
So tonight sees the last batch of housemates enter the big brother house. Thank christ!
I'm only aware of this because it seems to be dominating my "feed" on facebook. I obviously need to hide a few people.
It's baffling that people are happy to sit and watch a bunch of pricks walk through a door though. If ever i feel the need to look at a wanker entering a house i'll just set up a mirror outside my front door thank you.
The only reason i could justify watching is if one of the housemates was a sort of saboteur and started shitting in the cereal boxes and stuff like that. But i'm not prepared to watch on the off chance of that happening. I'd be able to catch it on youtube anyway.
I'm only aware of this because it seems to be dominating my "feed" on facebook. I obviously need to hide a few people.
It's baffling that people are happy to sit and watch a bunch of pricks walk through a door though. If ever i feel the need to look at a wanker entering a house i'll just set up a mirror outside my front door thank you.
The only reason i could justify watching is if one of the housemates was a sort of saboteur and started shitting in the cereal boxes and stuff like that. But i'm not prepared to watch on the off chance of that happening. I'd be able to catch it on youtube anyway.
Tuesday 8 June 2010
Ava-word
I really wish people would stop banging on about Avatar. It was released fucking ages ago yet still we see twatty blue creatures all over bus stops etc. Go see the film, buy the DVD, don't forget the Blu Ray version. Surely there's no other format left. They'll find something though.
Of all the things i've been told i've just got to do, (get a parmo, go to the Magpie for fish n' chips, swim with Dolphins, meet Nelson Mandela, etc) watching Avatar has started to fuck me off the most. It doesn't even look good. Even if it did, the way people crow about it would probably make me not want to see it anyway. But that's irrelevant because it looks truly shit.
An IT nerd insisted that it's "amazing" and to back this up recalled a certain point in the film where some flies were swarming about and "it felt like they were right in my face, i was trying to swat them away" I could of replied by saying "i know the feeling" but instead just looked at him and went "mmm". I'm not sure about anyone else but i find the idea of swatting flies away a bit of a chore so this doesn't really appeal. And for the same reason i wouldn't want to watch "Old Peoples Home The Movie" in 3D and feel obliged to wipe faeces off 3D anuses.
3D isn't even a new concept so i don't get the sudden buzz over everything being in 3D. I feel like a wanker wearing standard glasses so the last thing i'd want is to be wearing a cardboard pair every time i fancy seeing a good film. Which Avatar isn't.
Of all the things i've been told i've just got to do, (get a parmo, go to the Magpie for fish n' chips, swim with Dolphins, meet Nelson Mandela, etc) watching Avatar has started to fuck me off the most. It doesn't even look good. Even if it did, the way people crow about it would probably make me not want to see it anyway. But that's irrelevant because it looks truly shit.
An IT nerd insisted that it's "amazing" and to back this up recalled a certain point in the film where some flies were swarming about and "it felt like they were right in my face, i was trying to swat them away" I could of replied by saying "i know the feeling" but instead just looked at him and went "mmm". I'm not sure about anyone else but i find the idea of swatting flies away a bit of a chore so this doesn't really appeal. And for the same reason i wouldn't want to watch "Old Peoples Home The Movie" in 3D and feel obliged to wipe faeces off 3D anuses.
3D isn't even a new concept so i don't get the sudden buzz over everything being in 3D. I feel like a wanker wearing standard glasses so the last thing i'd want is to be wearing a cardboard pair every time i fancy seeing a good film. Which Avatar isn't.
Saturday 5 June 2010
A moral dilemma
At the time of writing i'm 1 hour and 40 minutes away from an embarassing scenario.
My Dad has volunteered to help at some "fun day" for a local childrens hospice. I'm told there'll be all the usual stalls etc including a "beat the goalie" competition. This is where i come in. Apparently the keeper is injured and so i've been guilt tripped into filling in.
I don't really mind helping out. I probably don't do enough for charity. But it's just gonna be a bit embarassing stood about in a footy kit. And with it being local there's bound to be people i know milling about. It's also left me facing a moral dilemma.
Do i let the kids score? Do i let them have their moment of joy? or do i repel everything that comes my way like a heartless football ogre?
My Dad has volunteered to help at some "fun day" for a local childrens hospice. I'm told there'll be all the usual stalls etc including a "beat the goalie" competition. This is where i come in. Apparently the keeper is injured and so i've been guilt tripped into filling in.
I don't really mind helping out. I probably don't do enough for charity. But it's just gonna be a bit embarassing stood about in a footy kit. And with it being local there's bound to be people i know milling about. It's also left me facing a moral dilemma.
Do i let the kids score? Do i let them have their moment of joy? or do i repel everything that comes my way like a heartless football ogre?
Friday 4 June 2010
Rio merked good and proper
haha, Rio Ferdinand has been snapped in a training session and will miss the world cup.
Apparently it was in a challenge with Emile Heskey. It's likely to be his only decent contribution to our chances as he's the absolute billy shits and couldn't score in a brothel.
Apparently it was in a challenge with Emile Heskey. It's likely to be his only decent contribution to our chances as he's the absolute billy shits and couldn't score in a brothel.
Tuesday 1 June 2010
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