Yule blog

It's strange how in the space of 9 hours you can go from the lows of being sick outside your local, dressed as santa and clutching a Heron frozen foods bag to the highs of spotting the Mickey Rourke lookalike on your street and finally getting a decent snap.






Another Normanby lookalike chalked off. Merry Christmas!

Christmas TV was appaling. Eastenders shouldn't exist. Not once has there been a storyline with even a hint of optimism. And why do the BBC feel it's now a necessity to have a Royle family christmas special each year? It's not funny. The formula has been done to death.

Also...

...anyone who has developed a thing for Stacey Solomon, just think about this...


Neil off the Inbetweeners. Both in manner and appearance.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas eve continued

Shopping done.

Wasn't all that bad actually. My role was mainly chauffeur. Once out the car we split up and agreed to meet in an hour. I was given the task of going to get 10 "nice cards" and some tomato sauce from B&M. Proper christmas essentials.

Finished and with plenty of time to spare, i spent 40 minutes wandering aimlessly round town in a state of awe at how dreadful the general public are. Chances are if you're a woman in a relationship, your boyfriend has got you some "charms" from the Pandora shop.

I also had the privilage of seeing this....



The picture is shit but the dog had fairy lights attached to it.

Our tree remains boxed, though it'll have to wait til christmas morning now. I need to get ready for the annual get cunted in the conquest christmas eve mash up.

Christmas eve

It's 01:12 On christmas eve.

I should really be in bed. There's a lot to do tomorrow.

We haven't even got the tree up yet. It was fair enough last year, Christmas was always going to be a write off. I think it's more down to laziness this time around.

Dad wants me to take him out shopping in the morning. Fuck knows why it's been left this late. I can only imagine that it's going to be like walking into a particularly bad christmas special. A boring storyline where cretins scramble round for the last Turkey and nobody laughing.

Open your arse

For the last few days I've had Cliff Richard's (i'm deliberately missing out "Sir" as not to give him the satisfaction) Saviour's day stuck in my head.
To compound matters i'm replacing the word eyes with the word arse. So in my head the song now goes "Open your arse on saviour's day" etc

I'm not sure if this improves the situation or if i even find it amusing but that's irrelevant because it's happening in my head and surely that's not my fault. I'm accepting it in the same way i accept that we have no control over our dreams. Nor but mate sub consciously.....

I just hope it stops soon.

A Grammy Chess Board?

While he's fresh in the mind...

In the song "Freakin' it" Will Smith makes a ridiculous claim with regards to a popular board game....

"So many awards i could start a Grammy chess board"

So why doesn't he?

Probably because he only has 4 Grammys and there are 32 peices on a chess board.

He could perhaps use other awards and provide a key showing what peice each award equates to but it all seems a bit much for a game of chess.

It's nothing more than an idle threat. The song has been out over a decade. If he was serious, he'd of done it by now.

He might as well be saying Yo Yo Yo i'm going to make a wallet out of my scrotum.

No you're not Will.

Never Before Has An Extra From A Will Smith Video Been So Right

Jack Frost has indeed lost his mind.

But sadly he's not the only one. There were some bizarre scenes on saturday as a neighbourhood dig unfolded.




It had got to that point on a saturday where i'd just about got my bearings, had breakfast, and then been forced to ponder my next move after becoming incensed at my brother's channel hopping. (This seems to always end in him putting soccer AM on, me protesting that it's total shit and him agreeing but for some reason not changing the channel) Routinely at this point i stand up, stretch out at the window, let out a groan and gaze at the world outside. Only this time instead of the usual calm there was frantic digging and people walking about with pickaxes.

What i found particularly baffling was that the ice had started to thaw out and was now only causing a minor inconvenience. Why waste time on a saturday clearing it for minimal benefit?



Days earlier i'd been dug out by two old men. That's not a euphemism, my car had become stuck in deep snow and the only movement it could manage was a sort of jerking up and down. A bit like one of those shit flight simulators (shite simulators) from the early 90's. Anyway i sort of owed these guys one now and the moment i made eye contact and waved it was game over. It'd be shameful not to help out now however pointless i deemed the excercise.

What followed was an hour of digging and the creation of 3 giant speed bumps. A real triumph for a hard core do-gooder but the big bumps in the road probably make it worse for cars now.




That said it was nice to see the community spirit and if nothing else i enjoyed hacking the road to peices with the pickaxe.

Craic at work

Never let it be said that you can't have a laugh in the workplace.






HAHAHA!!!!!!!

totally bonkers eh?

And that's not to mention the e-mails.

You'll piss yourself when you see the picture of Mr Bean as a baby.

This Year's Mustn't Have DVD's

Danny Dyer's Football Foul Ups - Clips you've seen a million times before only now with the inconvenience of having to listen to horrendous cockney drivel in the background courtesy of Danny Dire. It's rated PG so expect to hear the word Mug at least 400 times.

Avatar 3D - Mate it's like they're right there in your living room. It'll blow you away mate! - Thing is, i don't want a bunch of blue wankers anywhere near my living room. I'd sooner blow myself away.

Whatever Jethro/Chubby Brown tosh has been released - Garbage

Scottish Notes

Shitemare.

Got a Scottish note in my change today......

It's nearly here!

ooooohhhhh!!! Now i know it's nearly christmas!!!!

I've just seen THAT advert!!!!!

HO! HO! HO!


Yep, it appears that "Jethro" has released another shit DVD just in time for the festive season.

#32

One day i'm going to march into Bianco's and order number 32.




Just to see what happens.

An enforced absence

Don't really know where to start...

I've seen some spectacular things and some absolutely terrible things the last few days. Sadly i haven't been able to document them as our PC was in for repairs. I couldn't help but think one of the Brown family may be about to have their Gary Glitter moment...but alas we are re-united with our PC and i am able to type this...


Being in cyber exile hasn't overly bothered me... Suppose it's good to know i'm not a nerd who depends on it.

Seems i have a backlog of drafts and half baked stuff so i'll hopefully get round to finishing off and posting them this week. For now i think i'll depart, can't really be arsed. Today hasn't been great. Just lost a basketball game to one of the many local teams in which all the players think they are American. And then there's the added woe caused by the recent bad weather and our country's embarassing inability to cope.

Middlesbrough council's efforts with regards to gritting have been a complete joke. And on the parts they have cleared, all you get is a load of overly cautious cretins driving at 2mph, the same sort of drivers who do an overly dramatic swerve to the side of the road whenever the emergency services go past, even if they're nowhere near obstructing them.

Office workers are making me Borrrk with claims that they can't get into work when it's more a case of they can't be arsed, they'll be the same people who had the day off school when it was their birthday or when their pet died. Scum.

Old men Nationwide seem to see the snow as a chance to convince us that they've still got something to give. They do this by racing to see who can clear their pathway first. in certain cases it means clearing all the snow and piling it up right in front of my car. The more i think about this the more i think i need to retaliate.


So yea......


Realistically snow is absolutely fucking shit

A gash book

A couple of years ago i came across this book....




The formula on the front cover is repeated throughout.

Why would anyone find it funny? It's nothing more than a pathetic extension of the tabloid media's take on Tourette's - a condition we're meant to believe is the pinnacle of funny and simply makes people swear. haha! he said fuck. Hilarious. To an extent it can be amusing but this book is simply an image of an animal and a speech bubble with a swear word. Let's all have a big knee slap and spit our coffee out at the hilarity!

I've recently found myself getting incensed by user reviews on online stores and was intrigued to see what people made of this book. (I don't know why i do this to myself) Here's a few...

"It is completely childish but I have never laughed so much in my whole life, every coffee table, bathroom and work place needs this book!"

This book is hilarious. As has been stated, it's a collection of cute animals accompanied by a speech bubble with a rude word.
The sort of folk that don't like it are the sort of folk that watch an adult film at 11pm and then go on to complain about the nudity and swearing.

Right while i'm on we'll do the same for Michael McIntyre's Autobiography. This man really is awful and in the unlikely event that he said something mildly funny it'd only be ruined by the fact that he has the most irritating voice on earth.

I was desperately waiting for the postman every morning to recieve this book! After reading the reviews, once again he never fails to make me laugh. Literally on the first page, i giggled. thats hard to do & hes one heck of a comedian. id definately recommend this to everyone!

OMG!!! If you love michael mcintyre you will love this book, it actually made me laugh out loud, its also nice to read about his real life - this book is a must!


Some people....

Possibly the most embarassing birthday card i've ever seen.

It's as if they got someone from nuts magazine to design a blokey card only for him to run out of time brainstorming and saying "that'll have to do"

Some shite items......or shitems

Finally figured out how to get my phone pictures on the PC and so i can now share the following wonders.....




Long winded cereal.





Wellness flakes





Why?





Sounds like a reality TV show. And why does it say "grill" if it's in a pan on the picture?





Not to be confused with connect 4

Deftones - Leeds 02 Academy - 13/11/10

Absolutely unreal.

1.Rocket Skates
2.Around the Fur
3.My Own Summer (Shove It)
4.Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)
5.Lotion
6.Feiticeira
7.Digital Bath
8.Knife Prty
9.Elite
10.Diamond Eyes
11.Royal
12.Prince
13.CMND/CTRL
14.You've Seen The Butcher
15.Sextape
16.Beauty School
17.Bloody Cape
18.Minerva
19.Passenger
20.Change (In the House of Flies)

Encore:

21.Birthmark
22.Engine No.
23.7 Words

Remember that programme...

.....Gary Coleman says the funniest things?

It followed the adventures of Arnold & Willis Jackson. Arnold would say stuff that wasn't funny and the studio audience would roll in the aisles due to the novelty value as opposed to any witty content.

: O

My brother stole my mankind idea and so i was forced to scramble around for an acceptable costume at last minute. Resulting in the tin foil Terminator you see below.



And here is George/Kuato



In the film Kuato tells us that "a man is defined by his actions, not his memories"

If this is true i'm not sure what this makes me.




Probably a dick.

Halloween

I can't remember the last time i "dressed up" for Halloween. Must be going back at least a decade. The past 2 years i've gone out with some joke teeth and discarded them early on due to the sheer impracticality.

It's not like i've got a credible reputation i wish to keep in tact and by no means do i consider myself above this kind of thing, i simply haven't been arsed.

That all changes this year. I've decided to make the effort...There'll be none of that "nice mask mate" well unless i decide to go as someone in a Mask.....and it impresses someone.

One thing i've found bizarre is that i'd be lampooned for not getting into the "Halloween spirit" though this was often by someone dressed as Superman or something totally irrelevant to the Ghosts & Ghouls theme.

It now appears that any kind of costume is acceptable and i'm fine with that. I welcome the wider scope. Though oddly enough this just means that instead of everyone going as a Vampire they now decide to be Heath Ledger/The Joker.....and look shit.

It'd be insane to spend a fortune (anything over £10)on a costume for one nights wear and with that in mind i've compiled a shortlist of barely acceptable budget outfits....


Flavor Flav



Pros:
It'd cost fuck all. We'll have an old clock somewhere, them Viking hats cost peanuts and i could probably get away without having to buy any clothes.

Cons:
I'm 6'1 and it's not socially acceptable to "black up" these days

Mankind



Pros:
Again, it'd cost fuck all. I've got a white shirt some black joggers and a sock.

Cons:
Fashioning a mask and getting a curly wig.
Despite not having any street cred to lose i just don't think i could risk people thinking i'm into wrestling.

George/Kuato from Total Recall



Pros:
It'd be a nice tribute to one of my favourite films
It's quite original, can't see the Heath Ledger effect applying

Cons:
Getting a green jacket, shirt and baby doll for under £10
Attaching a baby doll to my torso.
Being a 24 year old male and buying a baby doll without looking and feeling like some kind of weird nonce at the checkout.

At the moment i'm leaning towards George/Kuato.

I suppose it'll be kind of poetic because whenever i approach a woman on a night out i'm used to seeing Total Recoil.

Note To Self

Try to ration your wages better in future.

This way you will avoid making humiliating trips to use the coinstar and the embarassment of putting £6 worth of petrol in your car in the hope that it'll last for 4 days.

Come on Michael.

The Perverted Green Bean

I know these have been out ages, but what is going on with that green bean?

Particularly on the Lemon and Cherry wrappers.

Filthy cunt.

What £40 doesn't look like

Found these on a market stall in Newcastle. 3 for £1.

It's bizarre to think that someone came up with the idea of fake currency bearing the image of Nicholas Lyndhurst.

I'm slightly disappointed in myself for buying them as well.

Films I've Been Watching

Batman Begins....Having A Shit

Batman Returns.....His Faulty Dildo To Ann Summers

Chicks With Dicks......On Their Heads

The Chronicles Of Red-Dick

Bill & Ted's Excrement Adventure

Right so the Tetley guys are back.......

...what do you want us to do?

Start buzzing?........Stop using Typhoo?

Obviously the creators have got a ridiculous sense of self worth only eclipsed by the writers of those dire BT adverts which follow the dreary relationship of "Adam" and "Jane"

I was astonished to learn that when the viewers were given the chance to vote on the next banal installment they had 1.6 Million responses with 72% voting for him to get her Preggers. Well i hope they're all happy.

It's ludicrous to think people have nothing better to do with their time.

Danny Dire

When Danny Dyer says "don't mug me off" what exactly does he mean?

All i can think is that it's something to do with wanking off into a cup.

After you've gone

Found an old e-mail i sent to the BBC ages ago. It's about the woeful Nicholas Lyndhurst "comedy" After you've gone

http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/ --------Original Message----------- >

Why is this show being repeated? It's absolutely dire and the fact that they've made 3 series' is mindbending. It was baffling enough that it was previously being aired in the 8:30 - 9:00 slot, which over the years has brought us the equally woeful, My Family, My Hero, All About Me, Parents of the band etc.

If anyone has missed it then couldn't they just watch it on the iplayer? Or they could just guess all the "gags" for themselves as they're so predicable. Surely it's time to stop churning out the same old tired sitcoms laden with pathetic jokes or this barren spell will never end.

Dear Mr Brown Thank you for your e-mail regarding 'After You've Gone'. I understand you're unhappy this programme is repeated. I note feel it and others such as 'My Family', 'My Hero' and 'All About Me' should not have been broadcast on a prime slot. I also note you believe viewers should catch up on BBC iPlayer if they've missed an episode. I realise you would new programmes with new writing. If I may I would like to take a moment to address your concerns. Audience figures and viewers' comments show that people welcome the opportunity to see programmes such as 'After You've Gone' they may have missed. It's also very much appreciated when viewers are given the opportunity to view past programmes that they thoroughly enjoyed the first time round. We aim to show repeats only where there is a genuine public interest and demand. That said, our repeats policy inevitably represents a compromise between different interests and is kept under constant review. We do make changes if we believe they're necessary in light of audience feedback. In catering to an audience of millions it's naturally difficult to produce a programme which every viewer enjoys, all the time. From the correspondence which we receive it's also clear that viewers opinions can and do vary considerably. The BBC do try to provide a wide range of programmes across our radio and television output that will be of interest to every section of our audience. However, I appreciate your feelings on this matter and I'd like to I can assure you that I have registered your comments on our audience log. This is the internal report of audience feedback which we compile daily for all programme makers and commissioning executives within the BBC, and their senior management. It ensures that your points, and all other comments we receive, are circulated and considered across the BBC. Thank you again for contacting us with your concerns. Regards Gemma McCartan BBC Complaints

Think i'll send another soon about Eastenders but i don't know where to start.

What did the Football hooligans chant when they visited the cheese factory?

"Let's go fucking Emmental
Let's go fucking Emmental
naah, nah, nar nah!
naah, nah, nar nah!"

Collection culture

Working in an office full of women is crackers. Every 5 minutes they're doing a collection for something or other. The other week i turned down the opportunity to sponsor "the cleaner from my son's school" on whatever activity she was doing.

What a distant link. The cleaner who works at the school of someone you've never met.

Madness.

Anyway, this week the Euro lottery apparently rolled over. This prompted my colleagues to start a syndicate whereby we all put £2 in and have a go.

I know it's not compulsory and i shouldn't really moan but on the off chance that they all won and i never joined in i really do think i' end up hanging myself. I'm just baffled by the logic. We're playing the euro lottery this week because it's a roll-over. Right so any other week you'd turn your nose up at the standard jackpot?

Another tearjerking shopping experience.

I've just got back from the shops.

The Special Brew was reduced to 50p.

The Space raiders multipacks were reduced to £1

And i was reduced to tears as i saw my reflection on the way out.

Chicharito?

How come Javier Hernandez gets to wear a shirt with "Chicharito" on the back?

Apparently it's his nickname and translates as "little pea"

Besides making him sound like a fanny, it's not his actual name.

So what if there was a player who was nicknamed fish fingers? Could he have that printed on the back of his shirt?

icouldn't give a fuck

Man i wish i had an iphone. Everyone seems to be having a hoot with this fat face "app"

Can't afford an iphone though. I'll have to just eat like a pig for a few weeks until i become morbidly obese, take some photos, then lose all the weight again.

Oh well. It should be a laugh.

Fuckin' Solid Me Like

I've had enough. It's time people started taking me seriously.

I need to establish my hard man credentials.

First thing tomorrow i'm getting my initials tattooed behind my ear.

Kelis' Milkshake :S

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're like, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge

It's better than yours???

Puzzling....as my mental image was one of a yard where boys turn up and purchase milkshake from Kelis herself. So if she was the salesman why are they saying it's better than yours when it is hers? Unless they're referring to a previous batch she produced. Even so they'd probably phrase it different and the lyrics would then read something like "and they're like oooh is this a new recipe" or something.

Or does it mean "yours" as in the mine/the listeners??? in which case it's even more baffling as i've never claimed to be in any way part of the dairy trade.

:(

Nightmare

I tried to get tickets for the Pope's visit online but failed. I had a few problems with my Papal account.

SH 1TE

The age of getting this that and the other "to your mobile" is absolutely dire. So much of it is just unnecessary bullshit.

A prime example being that advert where you text your car registraton number and get a message back telling you how much it's worth.

What if i smeared faeces all over the upholstery, filled the glove box with piss, then stamped on the bonnet and smashed all the windows in?

The device would be none the wiser. So how could it possibly give an accurate valuation?

50% of my goals achieved.

About a month ago i achieved one of my 2 goals in life.

Eating "Eggs Benedict"



It certainly was delicious.

Afterwards however i realised i only had one remaining ambition...to attend Oktoberfest. It was obvious i needed to think up new goals and so my list now reads:

Boil an Ostrich egg and get it "scotched up" at a butchers
Insult a minor celebrity
Go to Oktoberfest

That should keep me occupied until the grim reaper comes calling.

Dog Shit

Imagine a Dog with it's own Twitter page.

Ok then, if that's a bit unrealistic. Imagine a Police force setting up a twitter page on behalf of one of it's sniffer dogs.

Surely not?

Tragically i'm not making this up. The West Midlands Police have set up a page for "Smithy", a 2 year old Labrador trained in finding blood and human remains.

This really is one of the worst ideas i've ever heard. And as much as i hate to use the cliche, don't they have anything better to do?

I'm sure they will argue that it is in some way raising awareness of crimes etc but it doesn't seem to be the case from where i'm standing. So far there have been 52 tweets, of which 3 are about a missing person and one about a dead body being found in a disused building. The other 98% is woeful attempts at comedy and vague information. Stuff like this.....


been out for a run !!! nights tonight, gonna get my head down and dream of chasing cats !!!
1,283,604,039,000.00 via web

One of our on going cases I've been sniffing around at....can you help Staffs police
1,283,778,182,000.00 via web

Check me out !!!page 11 of the Sunday Mercury,,,pity the photographer got my woof side!
1,283,701,048,000.00 via web

This twitter stuff is killing my claws work need to get me an ipaw! i mean ipad!
1,283,787,734,000.00 via web

Funny isn't he?

Though realistically the only thing a dog could type would be mkm,brewz.m,erwd,l m m rdq2lre';dre,,m,d./;lewk,.w,.msdp[qwe[]q2#2w/m,ashsajklfjkjkfsdkljdnsfjkd bs bn bbnbnbdeioirp][qweppweq][ordow etc, not the etc....Or any of this, just the jumbled letters. If you want to know what a dog dreams about or how it's found it's day at work well it's tough shit because you never will. It's the work of some crank who is not a dog...nor is he in possession of any shame.

Smithy has 155 followers. There is nothing to justify any time being spent on this excercise.

: / : / : / : /

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll be a fucking scunner.

Lookalikes

I've wanted to write about this for ages but was lacking any photographic evidence so it wouldn't of made much sense.

For some time now Normanby has been crawling with fake celebrities or lookalikes. These include.

Roy Walker
Mickey Rourke
Gordon Brown
Tuncay Sanli
Gordon Ramsay
Martin O'Neill
Sven Goran Eriksson
A mix of Raymond Van Barnaveld and Sean Williamson (Barry off Eastenders)
The dead Bee Gee....... Robin Gibb?
Avram Grant
Fabio Capello

My friend often gets likened to Dr Who and for some reason people feel the need to point this out to him every time he goes out. Having witnessed first hand the grief it causes i have a bit more tact than to approach these lookalikes and ask for a photo. As a result we often try to take pictures on the sly which seem to always come out shit. Last night though Capello was lapping it up and openly encouraging people to have photos taken. Clearly revelling in his 15 minutes of fame.

Blog, typing, keyboard, screen

A few months back i was in Whitby and whilst gazing into a shop window noticed a mug in the shape of a football. On most of the panels there was a phrase you would associate with the game. "Throw in, corner, off-side, goal" and more.

After registering this i walked away feeling a mixture of irritation and confusion.

Who designed this mug? Presumably it was aimed at a football fan and therefore wasn't it sufficient that the mug was shaped like a football? These additional phrases are totally redundant. And totally lacking in imagination. "Throw in" nice one. Hardly exciting.....unless it's a Delap.

I frequently think about this mug and have since started to notice that the same design process is applied to allsorts of things.

Our canteen at work has recently been renovated but a paint job just wasn't enough. Someone thought it was essential to print buzz words like "spicy, delicious" etc in a nice font all over the walls. What this adds to the dining experience i don't know. (i tend not to eat in there anyway as it's hard to get an appetite when you're sat next to someone in pjyamas or on a drip)

If this kind of lazy design process is acceptable i think i'm going to get in on it and make my own bathroom tiles. Buzz words will include, "shit, piss & cry"

A worrying MSN conversation

Found this that i saved from a few weeks ago.

It's a conversation between myself and 2 friends on MSN. I don't know why i kept this particular one because they happen all the time.

It's pretty shit craic really but it cracked me up.........


Kev says:
alright guys
wanna do somthing?

Michael Brown - says:
now then gaylords
im playing footy
and im skint

Kev says:
ahhhh
fuck it then

Michael Brown - says:
haha

Peter says:
hahaha

Kev says:
fucking shite

Peter says:
shitey shite

Kev says:
hey its shitsville isnt it

Peter says:
yeah it is like
USA

Kev says:
shite oclock

Peter says:
shite in basket
a basket

Kev says:
shite in ya shampoo

Peter says:
haha
theatre of shite

Kev says:
need a shite? go to the bogs mate
shite mice

Peter says:
cant, someones had a shit3e

Michael Brown - says:
shite in a bun

Kev says:
shit in your undies
undies in your shit

Peter says:
Shitty undies that have shite on

Kev says:
shite on ya bike

Peter says:
shite-ing on the freeway

Kev says:
shit in the shite
shite in the teapot

Peter says:
sprayshite

Kev says:
half of a coconut full of shite
shits himself

Peter says:
shats its knickers

Kev says:
shite on mars

Peter says:
Shitecael Barrymore

Kev says:
fishing for shit

Peter says:
Shite0ing for soup
$hite

Kev says:
shit in the biscuit tin

Peter says:
biscuits in the shit tin

Kev says:
cack on ya creamcake
cacking down the banister

Michael Brown - says:
cornflakes covered in cack

Peter says:
I dont want a shit, DJ

Kev says:
dogshit on the beach

Michael Brown - says:
life is a rollercoaster
full of shit

Peter says:
shite
shite 2

Michael Brown - says:
don't worry, his bark is worse than his shite

Peter says:
Shite: The SHITENING

Michael Brown - says:
shitesize peices

Peter says:
Burns road fish and shit shop

Kev says:
welll im glad we had this chat lads

Peter says:
so am i
i would like to bring something new to the table

Michael Brown - says:
i've got more to get off my chest

Peter says:
and its this:

Michael Brown - says:
more shite that is

Peter says:
Titsco

Michael Brown - says:
Testesco

Kev says:
arseda

Peter says:
Morrisonshites

Michael Brown - says:
co-pre-op tranny

Peter says:
Gaytrose

Kev says:
Lidl dick up ya arse

Michael Brown - says:
gaynsburys

Peter says:
ARSEDI

Michael Brown - says:
Bummerfield

Peter says:
The Stapylton Arse

Michael Brown - says:
The Woodmans Arse

Kev says:
the normarsedy

Peter says:
The Gormless Cunthead

Michael Brown - says:
The bi-ger

Peter says:
The Cleveland Gay

Michael Brown - says:
the arselands

Peter says:
Isuck Wilson's (dick)

Kev says:
Tony and Dawns

Peter says:
haha#
Keiths

Kev says:
haha

Michael Brown - says:
Keith's
Keith's

Kev says:
Keith's

Peter says:
kheeky keith

Michael Brown - says:
Quiche

Peter says:
quichey tenner

Kev says:
hahah

Michael Brown - says:
tenner bag....
..of shit

Peter says:
of shite

Kev says:
20 bag

Peter says:
of shite?

Kev says:
yeah

Michael Brown - says:
of what?

Peter says:
grilled green peanuts

Kev says:
shite mate

Peter says:
grilled green penis

Michael Brown - says:
jalopenis

Peter says:
grilled green arselands

Michael Brown - says:
jalopeados

Kev says:
arse salad

Peter says:
footlong

Kev says:
fanny salad

Michael Brown - says:
grilled green arsehole

Kev says:
can i have a wipe your arse salad please

Peter says:
with cunny juice dressing?

Kev says:
nah

Peter says:
biwankos
biannefrankos

Michael Brown - says:
burns road fishy fanny

Peter says:
londpiss

Michael Brown - says:
or burns road fishy......
....fanny

Peter says:
or burns road fishy

Kev says:
Bums road

Peter says:
ste jones

Michael Brown - says:
Normanby fishy

Peter says:
STEJONESCHIPSSHOP

Kev says:
you get a backpack with every fish

Michael Brown - says:
battered fish and battered chips and battered steve jones

Peter says:
haha
pizza shop
pizza's shop

Kev says:
Pizza and chips

Michael Brown - says:
London Pizza that mate
Big ben pizza

Peter says:
yeah and boro pizza

Michael Brown - says:
London bus pizza

Kev says:
i like very hot with my pizza

Peter says:
boro taxis pizza

Michael Brown - says:
spacker bus pizza please mate

Peter says:
yeah like cheese, tomato and very hot

Peter says:
hahah christ

Kev says:
can i have a cock end pizza please love

Michael Brown - says:
knob cheesy chips to go.....
...up my arse

Peter says:
kebab and chips please

Michael Brown - says:
fries to go....
...on my head

Peter says:
up ozzy's arse

Kev says:
ha

Peter says:
BRADLEY!!

Kev says:
BRADLEY!!!
YOU TITHEAD!!!!!

Michael Brown - says:
Archie gets the Vic

Peter says:
archie shot vic
but who is vic?

Peter says:
no he shot a bloke called Vic
hahaha

Kev says:
Archies down the vic

Peter says:
thats corra mate

Kev says:
haha
is this normal

Peter says:
hahah
i dont think it is to be honest

Kev says:
my heads fucked u[
up

Michael Brown - says:
should we cease?

Kev says:
arsebandits
arse down the drain

Peter says:
arse town train?

Kev says:
the man with the golden bun

Peter says:
grand theft arsehole

Kev says:
asss potatoe
asss to meet you

Michael Brown - says:
mushy penises
arsehole bake please Greggs

Peter says:
With the lights out
Arses arses
Here we are now
arses arses

Kev says:
the man with the iron dick

Michael Brown - says:
Arse lattice please mate
cod and chips twice please mate
cod and chips twice please mate
cod and chips twice please mate

Peter says:
cod and chips twice please mate

Kev says:
mate can i have a can of tango mate

Michael Brown - says:
it takes 2 to watch Tango & Cash

Peter says:
hahaha

Michael Brown - says:
no tango

Peter says:
ill have fanta instead

Michael Brown - says:
sorry son

Kev says:
dr pepper then mate

Michael Brown - says:
Vimto please mate

Peter says:
ill have tango then

Michael Brown - says:
we only have dr oetker

Kev says:
hah

Peter says:
ive got an appointment to see him

Michael Brown - says:
what about?

Peter says:
shoving a pizza up my ass

Michael Brown - says:
i went to the Doctors last week and said "look i can't stop finering myself"
the doctor said "here take two of these"
and handed me 2 dildos

Peter says:
im going now
that was too far

Michael Brown - says:
fingering*
ere mate
Nana's tits

Peter says:
hahah
somehow makes it all better
everything that is

Kev says:
hahahahah
jesus

Check it out

I've just came on quick before bed to moan about ASDA's self serve checkouts.

Fucking garbage.

The amount of cranks you see who can't even scan a barcode is ridiculous. It's a common sight to see some slack jawed shithead spinning a loaf of bread round for ages before then giving in and asking for assistance.

The fastlane? You're joking. More like the lane of imbeciles who need to get a grip.

The voice activated slag's craic isn't much better.

I've gone round the supermarket carefully selecting what goes in my trolley yet when i scan an item and put it in the bag. The voice starts giving it "unexpected item in the bagging area" Fuck off. There's nothing unexpected about it. I put it there. I knew it was in the trolley. I saw what it was when i scanned it. Fair enough if i looked in the bag and saw a dildo or a Black Eyed Peas CD. Then yea, That'd be unexpected. But don't for a second tell me you didn't expect me to put that pot noodle multipack in.

I've got shit about the coinstar as well but i'll save that for later.

I need to think before i speak.

Today i was approached by an animal rights activist with a clipboard. Moments earlier i'd been collared by some bloke from "love film" and fended him off by saying "don't watch films mate" It felt good.

I was now on a roll. And having clocked these animal rights pests early on i had plenty of time to think up a witty remark for when the inevitable happened. I saw the guy approaching and had decided on my line with plenty of time to spare.

Him: "Hi, i'm from the NSPCC have you got a moment?"

Me: "Sorry mate, i'm into Badger baiting so it'd be hipocrisy for me to donate to you"

at which point i thought - shit NSPCC is a childrens charity - It was too late. I was already being subjected to a look of disgust and confusion.

Me: "Oh wait, i thought you were animals"

There was an awkward pause. I don't know what was going on in my head but for some reason i didn't walk away. Just stood and listened to him bang on about how i wouldn't miss £2 a month and how it could mean saving them from folding in 6 months time. Squirming through his guilt trips.

Need to remember my Mp3 next time i'm out. Nobody bothers you in headphones.

Actually..

Scratch that last post.

There's something tragically wrong when you find yourself sat eating a pot noodle in a car and thinking up sick games for a proposed relaunch of the Crystal Maze.

At some point in the last 24 years i must of taken a wrong turn. My lifestyle is dire and i can't change it.

Howard Carter eat your heart out.

Today i made an amazing discovery on my dinner break.



It turns out that the cup holder in my car is wide enough to hold a Pot Noodle.

This paves the way for exciting new opportunities in dining.

Things i'd like to see happen on the Crystal Maze

An episode of the Crystal Maze where one of the contestants gets locked in. Then when the camera cuts back to him he's sat furiously masturbating.

An episode of the Crystal Maze where the captain keeps picking himself to do all the games. He's shit and doesn't actually win any crystals but each time Richard O'Brien asks him who's playing he says something like "i think i'm getting better" and then elects himself to play.

Merrick Elbow AKA Bursatitis

On Saturday i woke up only to find out that this had happened in my sleep....



It fucking knacked and actually got bigger but by then i wasn't in the mood for pictures anymore. I'd assumed it was a delayed reaction to a knock i might of taken in 5-a-side on friday and just took painkillers.

After struggling through saturday i eventually sought medical help and went to the "drop in" centre on Sunday. A short wait and a £14.40 bill for antibiotics later i was back home in time to catch the end of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. After sitting for ten minutes with my brother branding Quasimodo an ugly bastard and picking apart the plot it suddenly dawned on me that i wasn't really in the position to be mocking freaks. But so fuck, he's still a horrible cunt. That bit at the end where he comes out the tower and everones just looking at him is crackers. He'd clearly be stoned to death. Also i'd always thought the story ended in him marrying Esmeralda for some reason. She actually ends up with some He-man lookalike. Maybe she saw Quasi's inner beauty but couldn't see past his mangled dick. Man, I've watched so much shit i'd never usually dream of these last few days.

So yea, on the evening i developed a fever and started shivering loads so decided to go to A&E. Here i was rapped by the nurse first for not coming in sooner and then for my choice of clothing. "Is there any reason you're wearing a jumper in the middle of summer" - Yea because i'm fucking shivering. I didn't say that of course. Just accepted my fate.....a gown.



Suddenly the "dignity in care" posters seemed quite ironic. There were definitely sniggers as i sat back down in the waiting area. Further misery was added when the guy next to me began banging on to another patient about his computer skills and wowing her with talk about microsoft excel. I seem to be a magnet for boring computer nerds. My head was banging and i was dying to tell him to fuck off. I later felt bad for thinking he was a dick after he asked "are you ok mate?" Indeed it's actually quite nice the feeling of camaraderie between fellow patients, then you'll just get some dick coming in drunk and mouthing off. The staff do an excellent job under difficult circumstances. I overheard one story about a guy coming in and riding round the ward on a BMX : /

It's been nice having time off work and as i mentioned earlier I've watched loads of TV. Still can't handle Jeremy Kyle like but it's mint just chilling out and watching about 10 episodes of come dine with me then coach trip. No wonder so many people are on the dole.

FC Bryan Munich

Another season is upon us and i'm pleased to announce my fantasy team for 2011....



Unlike previous years i've not tinkered with it at all since deciding on my 15. It's a proper mindfuck when you're thinking i wish i'd got him, what if he turns out to be shit etc. I've decided to take a "que sera, sera" approach.

Bet i'm using my transfer wildcard after week 1.

A Craze Gone Too Far

Weddings are supposed to be civilised events. So there shouldn't really be any place for this kind of thing......














Needless to say i wasn't the official photographer.

Unfinished business

I've just looked and realised there's about 5 blogs i've started and can't finish. These may or may not appear in the next few days.

Also, quite predictably i didn't fill my World Cup sticker album, haven't cycled in 2 weeks and packed in trying to write after coming up with a stroyboard and a single page of script.

It seems i've lost the motivation to do anything constructive at the moment. I might put this on hiatus for a bit.

Yes, take them away

Next week i'm going to count the amount of takeaway menus that come through our door. It's getting fucking ridiculous now. Yesterday a guy approached the house while i was getting out of the car and i said "we're ok thanks mate" and he walked on. Then moments after i went in the house he came back and put a menu through the door.

I wish

I wish Pot Noodles came with a sachet of tears rather than soy sauce. It really would save me a lot of effort.

It's been happening again

Little wonder i'm single. Christ knows what people think when they see that.

X Gon' give it to you. And by "it" he means a Princess Diana commemorative plate.

I was recently informed by a friend that in the song "X gonna give it to ya" DMX is in a fact referring to a commemorative Princess Diana plate. At first i was sceptical but having read the lyrics it seems to make sense............

[DMX]
Arf arf
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Grrrr)
Uh, Yeah don't get it twisted
This rap shit, is mine
Motherfucker, it is not, a fucking, game
Fuck what you heard
It's what you hearin
It's what you hearin (Listen)
It's what you hearin (Listen)
It's what you hearin (Listen)

[Verse 1]
X gon give it to ya
Fuck wait for you to get it on your own
X gon deliver to ya
Knock knock, open up the door, it's real
Wit the non-stop, pop pop and stainless steel
Go hard gettin busy wit it
But I got such a good heart
I'll make a motherfucker wonder if he did it
Damn right and I'll do it again
Cuz I am right so I gots to win
Break bread wit the enemy
But no matter how many cats I break bread wit
I'll break who you sendin me
You motherfucker never wanted nothin
But your life said, that's for the light day
I'm gettin down, down
Make it say freeze
But won't be the one endin up on his knees (Whoo)
Please, If the only thing you cats did is come out to play
Stay out my way, motherfucker

[Chorus: DMX]
First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, DON'T LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
[Repeat Once]

[Verse 2]
Ain't never gave nothin to me
But everytime I turn around
Cats got they hands out wantin something from me
I ain't got it so you can't get it
Lets leave it at that cuz I ain't wit it
Hit it wit full strength
I'm a jail nigga
So I face the world like it's Earl in the bullpen
You against me, me against you
Whatever, whenever
What the fuck you gon do?
I'm a wolf in sheep clothing
Only nigga that you know that can chill
Come back and get the streets open
I've been doing this for nineteen years
Niggas wanna fight me? Fight these tears
I put in work and it's all for the kids
But these cats done forgot what work is (UH-HUH!)
They don't know who we be
Lookin! but they don't know who they see, nigga

[Chorus: DMX]
First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
[Repeat Once]

[Verse 3]
Aiiyo where my niggaz at?!
I know I got them down in the game
Give em love and they give it back
Talk too much for too long
Don't give up you're to strong (What?!)
A dog to bow bow hug it
Shoutout to niggaz that done it
And it ain't even about the dough
It's about gettin down for what you stand for yo (for real)

[Chorus: DMX]
First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
[Repeat Twice]

Leave it to the professionals.

After developing quite a thing for hot shot pizzas over the years i decided i'd have a bash at making my own. I'd looked forward to this for a few days and as with most things in life it turned out to be yet another anti climax.


Before



After



It'd be all too easy to blame the shop bought base (which was garbage) but i'll take full responsibility for it being gash. I made basic errors and have no excuses.


Oh yeah, and this happened.

It's crazy!

Forget "rocking the cradle" the "Shearer salute" or any Samba jig nonsense. When it comes to goal celebrations Luca Toni's "it's crazy/that was crazy" wins every time. He basically stretches his fingers by the side of his head and turns his wrist back and forth as if opening an imaginary jar of beetroot on the side of his face. I'm not entirely sure why this gesture represents "it's crazy" but who am i to question anything.




After scoring what turned out to be the winner in the Champions League against Man U last season Arjen Robben (below) went nuts and did about 5 celebrations in 1. Part of this saw a variation of Toni's "it's crazy" only Robben'ss facial expression suggests that the jar of betroot is boiling hot and he then jerks his hand about as if he's been burnt. Hard to describe. Put it in youtube. You'll see.




Anyway, for some reason that has become something of an in joke among friends and it seems to be all i want to do these days. I'm finding it hard to stop doing and It's getting worrying.
The other week in ASDA i spotted some Pork chops reduced and started doing it then seconds later i turned round and could see my brother coming towards me with the trolley also doing it. He looked disabled. And i can only imagine i do. But i can't stop. I don't understand it. :/

Again i find myself distressed by supposedly witty t-shirts

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of Back to the future......It says back to the boozer.

And the font is the same as on the film poster.

HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA
HAHA
HA
HAHAHAHAHA

Fucking funny isn't it?

I've lost count of the amount of blokes i've seen wearing these T-shirts.

This reminds me. I'm going to Whitby on saturday and there's a particular shop which seems to specialise in embarassing T-shirts. I'm going to take my camera and upload the pictures onto here so we can all cringe together.

Some shit gags

I've got this pipe dream of one day writing a comedy series. Over the years i've scribbled down a load of ideas and now i've finally decided i'm gonna get round to peicing them together. It's the one thing i feel capable of. And i suddenly feel inspired and motivated to at least have a go. So i'm gonna focus on that in my spare time. If James Corden can do it anyone can.

Among the notes i found a worrying peice of paper which reads like the worst stand up routine known to man. I was just writing deliberate shit jokes for use in a particular scene where someone tells a bad joke. It's hard to explain but the following are no reflection on what i hope my work will turn out like....

* I saw that John Wayne film where he eats a bowl of Tagliatelle. I don't usually watch spaghetti westerns.

*I can't watch ET without reaching for the tissues. I've got a thing for Aliens see.

*I was working in a factory making throat sweets. I was late in one time and the boss went fucking menthol.

*Bigfoot threw me out of his taxi the other day. I kept on asking "are we there yeti?"

*He later quit the taxis, said he was fed up of people talking behind his back.

*I got into an argument with a Quiche. It was giving it the big flan routine.

*I went to the gym with a couple of evil spirits. I was just excercising my demons.

So yea.

On your bike

I'm quite pleased with myself having been out on the bike 3 times already.

The experiences varied. The first was a mere cycle round the block which passed without incident. Next time i thought i'd go a bit further but sadly crashed half way to Guisborough and decided to turn back gashed and defeated. The third time i explored the local Woodland centre, subsequently got lost and interrupted a medieval re-enactment of some sort. I didn't realise how big the place was and wasn't sure where any of the paths led. I certainly didn't expect to see a bloke in a full suit of armour and 3 other guys in peasant attire.

They blatantly didn't have cyclists back then so it was obvious i'd killed the vibe. They all looked irritated as i passed by. I half expected an arrow in my back. It's baffling how some people spend their free time. How empty does your life have to get before you start hanging round in the woods pretending you're a Knight. Lancealot? more like hasalot.......of issues.

It's got me wondering though, what's the minimum amount of time these people will wait before re-enacting things? Will they eventually do Vietnam? What about Iraq? Does it even have to be a war? These guys didn't seem to be fighting. Just standing around chatting. Will someone in the future re-enact and everday Englishman circa 2010. If i go cycling in 30 years time will i come across a group of blokes stood by a burning bin, in tracksuits moaning about the "credit crunch" and eating all day breakfast out of a can?

Time will tell.

RE: Cycling

I recently took advantage of the NHS cycle to work scheme. Not that i'm one of those eco friendly types. I just though a £300 bike for £50 was a good deal. Little did i know i'd also have to trade in my dignity.

Part of the scheme required customers to embark on a cycling lesson. I did mine last night round some scruffy estate. It was particularly embarassing as the sun was out and so the locals were all sat in their front gardens and all too eager to make wisecracks.

The instructor insisted in riding in the middle of the road and so i was also subjected to beeps from cars and foul mouthed tirades. Being a driver though i could totally understand their frustration and felt like a complete anus. To make matters worse i had to wear a hi-vis backpack and massive helmet.

In all honesty i think i'd rather smash my skull into a thousand peices than wear it again.



At £50 though you can't fall off really....but if you do you'll be glad for your helmet.

Adverts i'd like to see...

A 'flamin' hot' Walkers crisps advert where Gazza gets thrown out of a Jesmond take-away and goes back to his high rise to make chips. Here he falls asleep and a chip pan fire ensues, ultimately killing him. Gary Lineker then emerges from the flames cackling and eating crisps.

Walkers crisps advert where Gazza gets wrecked and writes off his car. Then while he's unconscious and slumped over the wheel Gary Lineker comes and steals his bag of ready salted off the dashboard.

Receipts

Payday can't come soon enough. The following receipt is testament to that....



Not only am i reduced to buying low end alcohol for tomorrows game but i'm then goaded about my lack of clubcard and am presumably meant to cry all the way home, lamenting the missed opportunity to rack up 12 clubcard points. :'(

Receipts are quite funny sometimes. I like to speculate about what use various items are being put to. Usually i try to twist the most innocent looking list into something about a gang bang or something.

Even without being a pervert sometimes a list of random items can seem funny. If only because they paint a tragic picture of the customer and their lifestyle. I'll try to remember to save anymore i find amusing.

A riddle

I'm on a Stag night with people i have only tenuous links to. This includes a bloke who sells CD's on a market stall and never really speaks to anyone. I'm currently drinking bottles of "Jenkins" but i necked a couple of cans of Skoe before i came out so i'm pretty cunted.

We had a mint curry in Fargos and now we're tearing it up in a nightclub despite it still being light outside. DJ Fatboy is on the decks. He's an unbearable character who nobody could possibly care about yet somehow he's landed a gig at the hippest nightclub in town.

Earlier today i was feeling a bit down so i sat on arsehole's bench (Arthur's bench) for a bit, then moped across to the Laundrette and watched some shitty undies spin round for a bit. Always cheers me up does that. Once the spin cycle completed i had a walk over the park and sat on the swings. As i walked past the market stalls everyone started pointing at me and whispering in an over exaggerated manner. I love the market though. I buy all my clothes there and all my fruit n' veg. Anything else i need i can just pick up in the minute mart. I get staff discount. I love working there. Sometimes i think we're over worked though. I wish Patrick would employ more staff. I get paid peanuts like but i don't let it stop me from having breakfast in the cafe every day and going to The Vic every night. I've got a car but rarely stray from "The Square"

Where am i?


Trapped inside a particularly woeful episode of Eastenders that's where.

Come on England!

This is about as patriotic as i'm going to get. Hiding the flag out the back in shame. We'll probably get knocked out tomorrow anyway then we can throw all our cheap memorabilia on the fire.




At least there's no way i can be sick on this one.