Last celeb rise of 2011. Seriously going to try cut down in the new year.
Friday 30 December 2011
Proudly displaying another Twitter screenshot like a mounted Deer's head in my log cabin of shit craic.....
Late night exchange with Dane Bowers
Last celeb rise of 2011. Seriously going to try cut down in the new year.
Last celeb rise of 2011. Seriously going to try cut down in the new year.
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Months back I was presented with a challenge....
"Michael, you need to vote which one you'd prefer for the Christmas night out"
Decisions, decisions ey?
It's alarming how P!nk seems to have become a staple of the tribute scene. Largely due to the fact that she's dog shit.
Likewise Katy Perry. It was only last week we had Katy Kerry play Normanby. I couldn't justify the £3.50 entrance fee so I can only speculate on how tragic that was.
Needless to say I didn't attend the Christmas "do"
"Michael, you need to vote which one you'd prefer for the Christmas night out"
Decisions, decisions ey?
It's alarming how P!nk seems to have become a staple of the tribute scene. Largely due to the fact that she's dog shit.
Likewise Katy Perry. It was only last week we had Katy Kerry play Normanby. I couldn't justify the £3.50 entrance fee so I can only speculate on how tragic that was.
Needless to say I didn't attend the Christmas "do"
Thursday 15 December 2011
An irritating Christmas tie
This tie proper pisses me off.
Besides being generally gaudy, there's a whole host of issues that make no sense.
Why does Father Christmas have to be playing golf?
Why Is his caddy half man, half Reindeer?
If the ball is in the air, what is the white sheet that it's smashing into? A peice of floating ice?
The tie lights up and plays a jingle when you press the button. But the light is just a plain red dot. Understandable if it was on the end of the Reindeer bloke's nose but it's just slap bang in the middle of the tie and therefore totally irrelevant.
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Once, Twice, 5 Times The "Melt"
Joe Swash rises to the bait.
Only he knows why he sent the same message 5 times. He'd do better filling in his CV.
Only he knows why he sent the same message 5 times. He'd do better filling in his CV.
Thursday 17 November 2011
"Get Reem in 20 mins" Hmmm, I don't lnow what "Reem" means so I'll have to assume it's another word for "fucking hideous"
"Essexercise" hahaha, see what they did?
I'd imagine the majority of sales rely on sad cunts who see it as wank material. Not that I'll be doing that of course. I'm happy with my Natalie Cassidy Then and Now workout DVD. Continually rewinding to the bit at the start where she's obese.
Congratulations
A couple of weeks ago at work it was the cleaner's 60th.
The women in the office made a bit of a thing about it and put some banners up, and all's fair enough but among them was this......
One of the most tragic images I've ever seen.
It's hard to think you could put that up without realising how bad it looks.
With Christmas approaching I'm half expecting them to wrap tinsel round her mop.
The women in the office made a bit of a thing about it and put some banners up, and all's fair enough but among them was this......
One of the most tragic images I've ever seen.
It's hard to think you could put that up without realising how bad it looks.
With Christmas approaching I'm half expecting them to wrap tinsel round her mop.
Thursday 10 November 2011
Wacko Shit Craico
Dr Conrad Murray's involuntary manslaughter sentence has co-incided with the release/advertisement of all manner of Michael Jackson memorabilia.
Repackaged box sets aside - amongst the Idle gossip at work today I overheard someone crowing about how great "The Michael Jackson experience" is on the Nintendo Wii. And how it's a must have for christmas.
Money's tight in our house this year so I'm going to have to improvise.
I'm just gonna lay in bed taking various medicines, hastily announce a 40 date UK tour and then have a cardiac arrest.
Repackaged box sets aside - amongst the Idle gossip at work today I overheard someone crowing about how great "The Michael Jackson experience" is on the Nintendo Wii. And how it's a must have for christmas.
Money's tight in our house this year so I'm going to have to improvise.
I'm just gonna lay in bed taking various medicines, hastily announce a 40 date UK tour and then have a cardiac arrest.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Monday 10 October 2011
Maybe i don't go to enough parties...
On my last 2 visits to ASDA I've been served by the same woman. And each time she's asked "are we having a party?"
Besides the initial irritation at the use of the word "we" suggesting that myself and her would be interacting beyond the stage of tedious checkout banter, I aslo found it strange that she would ask such a question on account of the items i'd bought.
On the first occasion I'd bought a case of own brand lager, a baguette and 2 Pot Noodles.
The second time I had 12 Cans of Beck's, some V05 wax and a packet of Spaghetti.
How on earth could I host a succesful party with those items? Who would possibly come?
Besides the initial irritation at the use of the word "we" suggesting that myself and her would be interacting beyond the stage of tedious checkout banter, I aslo found it strange that she would ask such a question on account of the items i'd bought.
On the first occasion I'd bought a case of own brand lager, a baguette and 2 Pot Noodles.
The second time I had 12 Cans of Beck's, some V05 wax and a packet of Spaghetti.
How on earth could I host a succesful party with those items? Who would possibly come?
Sunday 9 October 2011
Thursday 6 October 2011
Premature Guy Outside Bargain Booze
I saw a "Guy" on the way home from work today. Not a bloke. But one of those bundles of rags which you're supposed to recognise as Guy Fawkes.
A guy In October.
Scruffy cunts.
A guy In October.
Scruffy cunts.
Monday 3 October 2011
Wednesday 21 September 2011
The second headline cracked me up.
The gazette has got to be the most depressing newspaper ever. The only saving grace is every now and then you get a crackers headline.
Need to try remember to save more cuttings. There's some absolutely crackers goings on, on Teesside.
Best headline i've ever seen in there was "Life for the 'kebab' killer who stabbed his best friend through the heart" - a story about a pizza shop worker who killed his best friend after believing a talking kebab was taunting him for being raped. Priceless.
http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/2008/02/14/life-for-the-kebab-killer-who-stabbed-his-best-friend-through-the-heart-84229-20475236/
The gazette has got to be the most depressing newspaper ever. The only saving grace is every now and then you get a crackers headline.
Need to try remember to save more cuttings. There's some absolutely crackers goings on, on Teesside.
Best headline i've ever seen in there was "Life for the 'kebab' killer who stabbed his best friend through the heart" - a story about a pizza shop worker who killed his best friend after believing a talking kebab was taunting him for being raped. Priceless.
http://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/2008/02/14/life-for-the-kebab-killer-who-stabbed-his-best-friend-through-the-heart-84229-20475236/
Of course i didn't really dedicate my week to accidentally re-writing Jasper Carrot shitcom All about me. I had a mildly productive few days.
At the start of the week i decided i'd draw up a list of things i wanted to get done.
The list
Find driving license/sort out replacement driving license if the search was fruitless
My driving license has been missing since April and i've all but given up any hope of relocating it. I once lost a phone and bought a replacement only to find the missing one a few months later. It'd fallen down the side of the bed and landed inside an old shoe which i no longer wore. With this in mind i've totally swept my room searching every nook and cranny. It's became clear i'll have to fork out for a replacement. It's a twat on having to take your passport out with you. Even more so if you're me because your passport photo looks like this.....
It's fucking terrible. Whenever i'm asked to produce ID the small talk becomes excruciating. "aaaawwww" etc. Not that it wasn't already bad enough. "Take it as a compliment" etc
I've boycotted my local co-op as a result. They take the challenge 25 thing to ridiculous extremes. I've been buying cans from there for 7 years. They know my face. They know i'm old enough. "I'm sorry i have to ask" - No you don't but you love it don't you? I've seen loads of aggro in there after middle aged blokes have been refused sale. They'd probably ID Bruce Forsyth...in the unlikely event that he found himself in there.
Fill out passport renewal
As if the picture wasn't reason enough, the passport only has about 6 months left to run anyway and I'm hoping to get away early next year. Plan is to take in another European footy game. Hopefully Roma. Loved them since watching Delvecchio, Cafu, Aldair, Batistuta etc on Channel 4's Football Italia. I'm gutted that I never got to see Totti play as well, he was injured when they came to the Riverside. Rome looks unreal. I've hardly been anywhere so that'd be another good location to chalk off.
Scope out potential holidays
That's pretty much covered above.
Take my Basketball shorts in to the tailors to get altered
We've finally got some new kits for the 11-12 season, only the lad who ordered them thought the Samples were a bit small so boosted everyone up one size on the order. Don't know what he was thinking cos they're fucking massive. I could comfortably fit another person in mine. They look ridiculous. Some people buzz off all that though.
It's quite embarassing the way a lot of players in the league act like they're an NBA star who grew up in the projects. There's this one lad with a Thug Life tattoo (he's white by the way) across his stomach. Whenever he hits a shot he runs off biting the bottom of the shirt in his mouth revealing the tattoo. Now not that i know him personally but I find it quite hard to believe that he does indeed lead the life of a thug.
Yes my shorts need altering, and there's a new Tailors just opened round the corner from my house so there's no excuse for not getting that one sorted.
Not the most demanding list is it? But of those tasks all I managed was to get a replacement driving license.
Pathetic.
At the start of the week i decided i'd draw up a list of things i wanted to get done.
The list
Find driving license/sort out replacement driving license if the search was fruitless
My driving license has been missing since April and i've all but given up any hope of relocating it. I once lost a phone and bought a replacement only to find the missing one a few months later. It'd fallen down the side of the bed and landed inside an old shoe which i no longer wore. With this in mind i've totally swept my room searching every nook and cranny. It's became clear i'll have to fork out for a replacement. It's a twat on having to take your passport out with you. Even more so if you're me because your passport photo looks like this.....
It's fucking terrible. Whenever i'm asked to produce ID the small talk becomes excruciating. "aaaawwww" etc. Not that it wasn't already bad enough. "Take it as a compliment" etc
I've boycotted my local co-op as a result. They take the challenge 25 thing to ridiculous extremes. I've been buying cans from there for 7 years. They know my face. They know i'm old enough. "I'm sorry i have to ask" - No you don't but you love it don't you? I've seen loads of aggro in there after middle aged blokes have been refused sale. They'd probably ID Bruce Forsyth...in the unlikely event that he found himself in there.
Fill out passport renewal
As if the picture wasn't reason enough, the passport only has about 6 months left to run anyway and I'm hoping to get away early next year. Plan is to take in another European footy game. Hopefully Roma. Loved them since watching Delvecchio, Cafu, Aldair, Batistuta etc on Channel 4's Football Italia. I'm gutted that I never got to see Totti play as well, he was injured when they came to the Riverside. Rome looks unreal. I've hardly been anywhere so that'd be another good location to chalk off.
Scope out potential holidays
That's pretty much covered above.
Take my Basketball shorts in to the tailors to get altered
We've finally got some new kits for the 11-12 season, only the lad who ordered them thought the Samples were a bit small so boosted everyone up one size on the order. Don't know what he was thinking cos they're fucking massive. I could comfortably fit another person in mine. They look ridiculous. Some people buzz off all that though.
It's quite embarassing the way a lot of players in the league act like they're an NBA star who grew up in the projects. There's this one lad with a Thug Life tattoo (he's white by the way) across his stomach. Whenever he hits a shot he runs off biting the bottom of the shirt in his mouth revealing the tattoo. Now not that i know him personally but I find it quite hard to believe that he does indeed lead the life of a thug.
Yes my shorts need altering, and there's a new Tailors just opened round the corner from my house so there's no excuse for not getting that one sorted.
Not the most demanding list is it? But of those tasks all I managed was to get a replacement driving license.
Pathetic.
Thursday 8 September 2011
Waste of time.
Bit gutted at the minute. Just realised i've totally wasted my week off work.
I decided i'd have a bash at writing a comedy.
It followed the lives of a multicultural family living in Birmingham.
To be a bit more specific, a white man and an Asian woman living together with their kids from previous marriages. A recipe for guffaws i'm sure you'll agree. Especially since one of the kids is wheelchair bound with cerebal palsy.
For some reason we hear his thoughts on events at various intervals in the show.
Anyway i got everything sorted and made a first draught of the script, which i then showed to a friend. It was here that my bubble burst however as i was informed that it was "very similar" to an existing Jasper Carrot vehicle from early 2000.
I still can't believe that somebody could have came up with such a programme.
I decided i'd have a bash at writing a comedy.
It followed the lives of a multicultural family living in Birmingham.
To be a bit more specific, a white man and an Asian woman living together with their kids from previous marriages. A recipe for guffaws i'm sure you'll agree. Especially since one of the kids is wheelchair bound with cerebal palsy.
For some reason we hear his thoughts on events at various intervals in the show.
Anyway i got everything sorted and made a first draught of the script, which i then showed to a friend. It was here that my bubble burst however as i was informed that it was "very similar" to an existing Jasper Carrot vehicle from early 2000.
I still can't believe that somebody could have came up with such a programme.
Thursday 1 September 2011
Feel free to use this one next time Wimbledon is on...
Loads of Ex Tennis pros have decided to film a re-make of the Nicolas Cage blockbuster Con Air.
The project is in turmoil however after it emerged that they were having serious issues with casting.
Apparently John McEnroe didn't like the idea of Tim Henman playing a bad guy and was heard screaming "You cannot be Cyrus!!"
The project is in turmoil however after it emerged that they were having serious issues with casting.
Apparently John McEnroe didn't like the idea of Tim Henman playing a bad guy and was heard screaming "You cannot be Cyrus!!"
Tuesday 30 August 2011
Supermarket sheet
A few weeks back I saw a trailer for a new comedy and mistook it for an ASDA advert.
Yesterday I caught my Dad watching this "comedy" and decided i'd scope it out for a couple of minutes.
Fucking awful.
Trollied they call it....Aptly named as you'd have to be absolutely cunted to find it funny.
Yesterday I caught my Dad watching this "comedy" and decided i'd scope it out for a couple of minutes.
Fucking awful.
Trollied they call it....Aptly named as you'd have to be absolutely cunted to find it funny.
LEEEEEEEEDS
mmmm,
Pitching a tent among a sea of cretins and living in squalor for 3 days to see a handful of decent bands play shortened sets isn't my idea of a good time.
Perhaps i'm biased on the hygeine front due to OCD but there's no way i could enjoy a festival if a pint glass full of piss hit me. And it's apallling that anyone should deem throwing pints of piss acceptable craic. For that reason alone, i couldn't go. Don't tell me that's what happens at a festival because i'm not interested. There's simply no excuse.
The Offspring highter up the bill than Deftones? Muse playing again? Yawn.
You can keep it.
Nor but mate, you can swap your warm cans for cold cans of Carling.
Right so i've got Carling. Which is shit. And everyone is still a dick. Mint.
Wank yourselves silly to Muse.
Pitching a tent among a sea of cretins and living in squalor for 3 days to see a handful of decent bands play shortened sets isn't my idea of a good time.
Perhaps i'm biased on the hygeine front due to OCD but there's no way i could enjoy a festival if a pint glass full of piss hit me. And it's apallling that anyone should deem throwing pints of piss acceptable craic. For that reason alone, i couldn't go. Don't tell me that's what happens at a festival because i'm not interested. There's simply no excuse.
The Offspring highter up the bill than Deftones? Muse playing again? Yawn.
You can keep it.
Nor but mate, you can swap your warm cans for cold cans of Carling.
Right so i've got Carling. Which is shit. And everyone is still a dick. Mint.
Wank yourselves silly to Muse.
Sunday 14 August 2011
Tuesday 2 August 2011
Calmed down a bit with the Twitter shit. The novelty hasn't fully wore off. It's only a matter of time before before i get suckered back in. Been blocked by James Corden and got a rise out of the guy who wrote the "Smithy" sketches for Comic relief. Maybe one day he'll make it big and i can buzz off it.
Finding myself with less time to come on here and there's been loads of stuff i've wanted to write about. Accessing the PC at all has become something of an achievement though these days. A couple of months ago i purchased Championship manager 01-02 season. Me and my brothers have been absolutely hammering it. I had a blog prepared about it but left it in drafts as it was far too self indulgent and reading it back i realised i just sounded like a sad cunt who'd let a computer game dictate his lifestyle.
Maybe i'll post it actually as an example of what addiction can do to a man. At least it's not warcraft or i haven't got DVT from sitting playing on FIFA for 4 days solid....I'm a PES man anyway...I like a proper game.
Finding myself with less time to come on here and there's been loads of stuff i've wanted to write about. Accessing the PC at all has become something of an achievement though these days. A couple of months ago i purchased Championship manager 01-02 season. Me and my brothers have been absolutely hammering it. I had a blog prepared about it but left it in drafts as it was far too self indulgent and reading it back i realised i just sounded like a sad cunt who'd let a computer game dictate his lifestyle.
Maybe i'll post it actually as an example of what addiction can do to a man. At least it's not warcraft or i haven't got DVT from sitting playing on FIFA for 4 days solid....I'm a PES man anyway...I like a proper game.
Monday 1 August 2011
My Favourite Fast Food Related Craic
This is closely followed by going to Pizza Hut's all you can eat buffet and taking an entire pizza. Leaving the person behind pissed off but powerless to do anything.
My favourite song concerning the mysterious release of canines
My favourite song concerning the mysterious release of canines is probably "Who let the dogs out?" by Baha men
Thursday 14 July 2011
The Middlesbrough episodes of Come Dine With Me aired last week. I still haven't got round to watching them yet. I don't know if i can bring myself to.
Knowing that everyone on there has in some way been deemed more credible than myself it'll be all the more galling when they all turn out to be pricks....probably.
Also i have a bad feeling someone will of made a Parmo (a variation of chicken in breadcrumbs, for those not in the know) A local dish vastly over rated by the people of Middlesbrough, who try to force it upon all outsiders much to my embarassment. It's acceptable take away at best. There's a reason why it hasn't caught on. Nor but mate, "Jeff the chef" is bringing it to the masses. mmm is he?
I keep getting messages about casting for different parts of the country and i'm tempted to do a fake application posing as a predicatable generic oddball the likes of which you often see on the show. Just to prove my theory that it takes a certain type of prick to make it through. I'll record the phone interview and post it on here.
Knowing that everyone on there has in some way been deemed more credible than myself it'll be all the more galling when they all turn out to be pricks....probably.
Also i have a bad feeling someone will of made a Parmo (a variation of chicken in breadcrumbs, for those not in the know) A local dish vastly over rated by the people of Middlesbrough, who try to force it upon all outsiders much to my embarassment. It's acceptable take away at best. There's a reason why it hasn't caught on. Nor but mate, "Jeff the chef" is bringing it to the masses. mmm is he?
I keep getting messages about casting for different parts of the country and i'm tempted to do a fake application posing as a predicatable generic oddball the likes of which you often see on the show. Just to prove my theory that it takes a certain type of prick to make it through. I'll record the phone interview and post it on here.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Strictly For His N*****?
Surely the very fact that i found this lying around our house undermines the title of the CD.
Wonder what happens if you listen to it.
Wonder what happens if you listen to it.
Hot Food
It took a lot of willpower but somehow i managed to drive past this sign without pulling over.
Friday 1 July 2011
More reviews
Payday rolls round again and i've just made some routine media purchases off play.com
Once again i let myself get sidetracked looking at knackers user reviews.
I've previously referenced "Horrorboyharribo" who posted an insightful account of the Peter Kay "Live at the top of the tower" DVD. Well i found an even worse one he did for "live at the Bolton Albert Halls"...
"peter kay is my favourite comedian and he always will be pretty soon i will own every dvd of his and I will treasure them untill i die and seriously... GARLIC BREAD!! THE BEST BIT of this dvd is when they talk about CONNIE'S funeral. i love it!!!!! I watch this dvd with my dad like once a month and continiously soil my self monthly!!!!"
Nuts. Here's one he did for Michael McIntyre's "Live and laughing".....
"this man is hilarious and he a bright comedian and if youre a fan of pure sillyness buy this, you can take my word that youll chuckle and pah! youll slide of your chair choking. no juice, 'yes madam his name is adolf."
Quite a statement.
I can't recall seeing a useful review yet. I remember buying a tent last year from Argos and agonising over which one to go with. The one i chose varied in rating with some customers giving it 5 stars and others giving it 1 star accompanied by a diatribe about it's inadequecies. How do you know who to trust?
The tent remains in the boot of my car having never been used. Hopefully i'll get a chance to/bother to in the coming months. I'll be sure to post my review.
Once again i let myself get sidetracked looking at knackers user reviews.
I've previously referenced "Horrorboyharribo" who posted an insightful account of the Peter Kay "Live at the top of the tower" DVD. Well i found an even worse one he did for "live at the Bolton Albert Halls"...
"peter kay is my favourite comedian and he always will be pretty soon i will own every dvd of his and I will treasure them untill i die and seriously... GARLIC BREAD!! THE BEST BIT of this dvd is when they talk about CONNIE'S funeral. i love it!!!!! I watch this dvd with my dad like once a month and continiously soil my self monthly!!!!"
Nuts. Here's one he did for Michael McIntyre's "Live and laughing".....
"this man is hilarious and he a bright comedian and if youre a fan of pure sillyness buy this, you can take my word that youll chuckle and pah! youll slide of your chair choking. no juice, 'yes madam his name is adolf."
Quite a statement.
I can't recall seeing a useful review yet. I remember buying a tent last year from Argos and agonising over which one to go with. The one i chose varied in rating with some customers giving it 5 stars and others giving it 1 star accompanied by a diatribe about it's inadequecies. How do you know who to trust?
The tent remains in the boot of my car having never been used. Hopefully i'll get a chance to/bother to in the coming months. I'll be sure to post my review.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Thrones of emptiness.
Tell you what's mint...
Paying £30 to sit in a window having your feet nibbled at by unwitting fish, whilst watched by a crowd of slack jawed cretins.
Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame.
Paying £30 to sit in a window having your feet nibbled at by unwitting fish, whilst watched by a crowd of slack jawed cretins.
Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Getting a rise out of Tim Lovejoy
Twitter is bad for my health. I've become addicted to celeb baiting.
100 or so "Tweets" later and i've finally got a response.....
Slightly marred by bad bad spelling but nevermind.
It's not much of a response but i couldn't care less. He's acknowledged my insult and i take great satisfaction in knowing that I've got my point across.
He truly is an awful man.
If you're anti lovejoy you'll love this....
http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/145/29/
Rio Ferdinand is my holy grail.
100 or so "Tweets" later and i've finally got a response.....
Slightly marred by bad bad spelling but nevermind.
It's not much of a response but i couldn't care less. He's acknowledged my insult and i take great satisfaction in knowing that I've got my point across.
He truly is an awful man.
If you're anti lovejoy you'll love this....
http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/145/29/
Rio Ferdinand is my holy grail.
Monday 13 June 2011
Thursday 2 June 2011
A Day Out In Whitby
It was a refreshing change to spend bank holiday Sunday in Whitby as opposed to sitting in Normanby like sardines in a tin. Everyone seems to come out of the woodwork on bank holiday. It's dire.
Whitby was relatively quiet considering. Here's some pictures....
hahaha, "It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine" naturally upon seeing this i raced inside the shop, purchased one and then frantically tore out my hair so i could enjoy the joke immediately. I don't know how this shop survives. It's been selling the same shit for as long as i can remember.
This image manages to capture both ends of the spectrum. Beautiful scenery in the reflection and a tragic testament to human stupidity in the foreground.
The greatest example of anti marketing you're likely to see. Some horrible chip cunt. Far scarier than anything you'll encounter in the shit Craicula (Dracula) experience. While it's encouraging that he gives the chips the thumbs up, this is somewhat negated by the fact that he looks like he's having a stroke. Still i'd sooner get my chips from here than queue up for the Magpie. There's nothing worse than a smug Fish & Chip conneseuir.
Some shit mugs i was on about in an earlier post. Infuriating.
Our apartment in the morning. Trivial pursuit cards and Boggle peices everywhere. Between 4 of us we can't remember why.
Captain Cook & a seagull with no face.
Whitby was relatively quiet considering. Here's some pictures....
hahaha, "It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine" naturally upon seeing this i raced inside the shop, purchased one and then frantically tore out my hair so i could enjoy the joke immediately. I don't know how this shop survives. It's been selling the same shit for as long as i can remember.
This image manages to capture both ends of the spectrum. Beautiful scenery in the reflection and a tragic testament to human stupidity in the foreground.
The greatest example of anti marketing you're likely to see. Some horrible chip cunt. Far scarier than anything you'll encounter in the shit Craicula (Dracula) experience. While it's encouraging that he gives the chips the thumbs up, this is somewhat negated by the fact that he looks like he's having a stroke. Still i'd sooner get my chips from here than queue up for the Magpie. There's nothing worse than a smug Fish & Chip conneseuir.
Some shit mugs i was on about in an earlier post. Infuriating.
Our apartment in the morning. Trivial pursuit cards and Boggle peices everywhere. Between 4 of us we can't remember why.
Captain Cook & a seagull with no face.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Space Invader On The Apprentice
Sent another letter to the BBC.
I keep missing The Apprentice cos it clashes with 5 a side. That's easily solved with iplayer. The only problem is that sometimes the only version available is one with a woman taking up half the screen doing sign language. Fair enough if they'd at least give us the option.
As if she needs all that room. They've added a 4 inch border yet for some reason she still wont stand in the corner. I only continued watching on the off chance that it was part of a gag which saw Lord Sugar sack her at the end....It wasn't to be.
Here's a picture of Lord Sugar i did on paint. The spray can is perfect for his stubble.
I keep missing The Apprentice cos it clashes with 5 a side. That's easily solved with iplayer. The only problem is that sometimes the only version available is one with a woman taking up half the screen doing sign language. Fair enough if they'd at least give us the option.
As if she needs all that room. They've added a 4 inch border yet for some reason she still wont stand in the corner. I only continued watching on the off chance that it was part of a gag which saw Lord Sugar sack her at the end....It wasn't to be.
Here's a picture of Lord Sugar i did on paint. The spray can is perfect for his stubble.
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Friday 6 May 2011
TV shows that probably wont ever happen
Faecal Matters - An excrement based talk show.
An episode of Myth busters where the team go round finding people wearing massive shoes then proceeding to pull their trousers down and document the size of their genitals.
An episode of Myth busters where the team go round finding people wearing massive shoes then proceeding to pull their trousers down and document the size of their genitals.
Thursday 5 May 2011
Performing another U-Turn
I've finally cracked and signed up to Twitter. I'd dismissed the idea originally purely down to my hatred of words like "tweet", "tweeps" & "twitfam"
It's unavoidable though. Lazy journalism means that most news items today include quotes from someones twitter page. I found myself referring to the site too often so decided it'd be easier to just swallow my pride and sign up.
I've ended up spending ages on there. Trawling through "tweets" like a sad internet tit. Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon. Also, rather childishly i've fallen into the habit of baiting celebrities even though it's highly unlikely they will ever read the posts. Here's one on Mr Twitter himself...
My profile has become something of an embarassment. I've become a victim of my own shit craic and can't seem to stop celeb bashing....for some reason under the guise of a Man City fan on smack. Which pretty much undermines any attempts at posting a serious "tweet"
I lost a follower as well the other day. That cracked me up.
Anyway that's enough for now. So long Tweeps!
It's unavoidable though. Lazy journalism means that most news items today include quotes from someones twitter page. I found myself referring to the site too often so decided it'd be easier to just swallow my pride and sign up.
I've ended up spending ages on there. Trawling through "tweets" like a sad internet tit. Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon. Also, rather childishly i've fallen into the habit of baiting celebrities even though it's highly unlikely they will ever read the posts. Here's one on Mr Twitter himself...
My profile has become something of an embarassment. I've become a victim of my own shit craic and can't seem to stop celeb bashing....for some reason under the guise of a Man City fan on smack. Which pretty much undermines any attempts at posting a serious "tweet"
I lost a follower as well the other day. That cracked me up.
Anyway that's enough for now. So long Tweeps!
Friday 29 April 2011
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Hot shot???
If Shaggy insisted on naming his album after a pizza then surely it'd of been more fitting to call it "Seafood special"
The metaphor lies within the fact that fish has no business sitting atop a pizza, Just as Shaggy's brand of light hearted reggae tinged Rn'B has no business being played on any cd player.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Happy Easer!
Wouldn't it be mint if they did the big easter eggs full of caramel?
No it wouldn't. It'd be absolutely ridiculous. Each bite would be far more hassle than it was worth.
Tuesday 19 April 2011
JT & The factory
Apparently Justin Timberlake caused a bit of a stir after buying a factory and changing the staff's working hours to 9-5.
The controversial move has resulted in strike action and there's growing pressure on him to bring Flexi back.
The controversial move has resulted in strike action and there's growing pressure on him to bring Flexi back.
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Monday 11 April 2011
A 17 year old Pot Noodle
It'll be interesting to see how much this fetches.....
I've just e-mailed the seller to try and get a better understanding of why this has happened.
I've just e-mailed the seller to try and get a better understanding of why this has happened.
Wednesday 6 April 2011
Brain Teaser
All you have to do is find £15 worth of value from the following list
Example
Feeder
Chipmunk
Fun Lovin' Criminals
Wretch 32
Neville Staple
Wolf Gang
DotJR
Jon Fratelli
Young Rebel Set
The Chapman Family
Cattle & Cane
We Are The Ocean
Trash Talk
Deaf Havana
Francesqa
Revoker
Hawk Eyes
Hey Alaska
This years Middlesbrough Musi....sorry "Intro" festival looks set to be about as successful as a rinse and return condom scheme.
I hope nobody turns up.
Example
Feeder
Chipmunk
Fun Lovin' Criminals
Wretch 32
Neville Staple
Wolf Gang
DotJR
Jon Fratelli
Young Rebel Set
The Chapman Family
Cattle & Cane
We Are The Ocean
Trash Talk
Deaf Havana
Francesqa
Revoker
Hawk Eyes
Hey Alaska
This years Middlesbrough Musi....sorry "Intro" festival looks set to be about as successful as a rinse and return condom scheme.
I hope nobody turns up.
Uniform dating?
I haven't quite reached the lows of having to seriously consider online dating yet but i was intrigued by the advert for the "uniform dating" website.
It focuses on the appeal of a man/woman in uniform but in doing so is quite vague and leaves plenty of scope for disappointment.
Loads of people wear uniform.......
Lollipop ladies......cleaners..... bin men.... staff from Greggs.
It focuses on the appeal of a man/woman in uniform but in doing so is quite vague and leaves plenty of scope for disappointment.
Loads of people wear uniform.......
Lollipop ladies......cleaners..... bin men.... staff from Greggs.
Sunday 3 April 2011
Mrs Brown's Boys
What a truly awful programme.
No matter what mistakes I make in my time on earth. At least I can rest safe in the knowledge that I will never be capable of sullying the Brown family name in such grotesque fashion.
BBC hang your head in shame.
No matter what mistakes I make in my time on earth. At least I can rest safe in the knowledge that I will never be capable of sullying the Brown family name in such grotesque fashion.
BBC hang your head in shame.
Saturday 26 March 2011
Saturday 19 March 2011
Comic relief...
...the relief being that it's over for another year.
Someone in our office came dressed as Amy Winehouse and we had a raffle.
Raised about £100.
Apparently the overall total raised was a record breaking £74,360,207.
That's all the more impressive when you consider the content of this years show.
From occasionally glancing at the screen in the pub i saw enough evidence to suggest that the quality of the sketches remains as awful as ever. Nor but mate, The new Smithy sketch.
I used to think having the likes of Lenny Henry, James Corden, Miranda Hart, Michael McIntyre etc involved was counter productive and detrimental to the viewing figures. Obviously i'm wrong. That's clearly not the case, for whatever reason the majority of people seem to buzz off shit that isn't funny.
It's totally baffling but at least for one day of the year we can say "something good has came of Chris Moyles' existance"
I'm not going to let it anger me anymore.
Someone in our office came dressed as Amy Winehouse and we had a raffle.
Raised about £100.
Apparently the overall total raised was a record breaking £74,360,207.
That's all the more impressive when you consider the content of this years show.
From occasionally glancing at the screen in the pub i saw enough evidence to suggest that the quality of the sketches remains as awful as ever. Nor but mate, The new Smithy sketch.
I used to think having the likes of Lenny Henry, James Corden, Miranda Hart, Michael McIntyre etc involved was counter productive and detrimental to the viewing figures. Obviously i'm wrong. That's clearly not the case, for whatever reason the majority of people seem to buzz off shit that isn't funny.
It's totally baffling but at least for one day of the year we can say "something good has came of Chris Moyles' existance"
I'm not going to let it anger me anymore.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Lenny Henry
This poster has pissed me off all week.
Do something Funny for money.
What like? Appear in a shit sitcom about a chef?...Perform a standup routine largely consisting of noises and accents with particular emphasis on the cultural differences between life in Jamaica and life in Birmingham?...Get a divorce and check into a Premier inn? Something like that?
Do something Funny for money.
What like? Appear in a shit sitcom about a chef?...Perform a standup routine largely consisting of noises and accents with particular emphasis on the cultural differences between life in Jamaica and life in Birmingham?...Get a divorce and check into a Premier inn? Something like that?
Wednesday 16 March 2011
Wednesday 9 March 2011
Betterware
Until today i'd forgotten all about the Betterware catalogue. I noticed a copy lying on our doormat just earlier and it prompted flashbacks to my youth where i'd ocasionally answer the door and have to explain to the vendor how the magazine had been thrown out, much to their disdain.
As if it's still going though. All of the products just look like things you'd see getting torn apart on Dragon's Den.
Stuff like this...
Honourable mentions go to the "Cracker keeper" (which as far as i can tell is no different to any standard plastic tub) and the "Dinosaur sandwich cutter" which cuts your sandwich into the shape of a Dinosaur and renders 30% of it useless in the process.
Mint.
I'll look forward to "Amanda" coming to collect it next week.
As if it's still going though. All of the products just look like things you'd see getting torn apart on Dragon's Den.
Stuff like this...
Honourable mentions go to the "Cracker keeper" (which as far as i can tell is no different to any standard plastic tub) and the "Dinosaur sandwich cutter" which cuts your sandwich into the shape of a Dinosaur and renders 30% of it useless in the process.
Mint.
I'll look forward to "Amanda" coming to collect it next week.
Monday 7 March 2011
A morbid fascination with online user reviews
Sorry to keep doing this but this is possibly the worst one i've came across so far. A customer review of Peter Kay's live at the top of the tower DVD.....
GARLIC BREAD!!
horrorboyharribo | 20/02/2010 | See all horrorboyharribo's reviews (8) »
the best thing about this genius dvd is the scene of garlic bread!! how did he think of this, peter kay is my hero andI reccomend this to any newcomers to kay. if you do buy it let me tell you, you may be in for a bit of a treat
...Did you find this review helpful?Yes | No | Report abuse
Yes how on earth did he think of it?
Fuckin' ell.
GARLIC BREAD!!
horrorboyharribo | 20/02/2010 | See all horrorboyharribo's reviews (8) »
the best thing about this genius dvd is the scene of garlic bread!! how did he think of this, peter kay is my hero andI reccomend this to any newcomers to kay. if you do buy it let me tell you, you may be in for a bit of a treat
...Did you find this review helpful?Yes | No | Report abuse
Yes how on earth did he think of it?
Fuckin' ell.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
The internet thinks it knows me
Each time i log in to Facebook i'm greeted with a message in the sidebar reading...
Want a woman who likes Black Sabbath as much as you do?
So a woman who thinks they were decent but doesn't proper buzz off them and finds it hard to listen to them without getting sidetracked thinking about what an embarassment Ozzy Osbourne is for having agreed to let "The Osbourne's" happen and also appear in numerous adverts for butter and a computer game made for the saddest cunts on the planet (Warcraft)
Yea go on find me one.
Want a woman who likes Black Sabbath as much as you do?
So a woman who thinks they were decent but doesn't proper buzz off them and finds it hard to listen to them without getting sidetracked thinking about what an embarassment Ozzy Osbourne is for having agreed to let "The Osbourne's" happen and also appear in numerous adverts for butter and a computer game made for the saddest cunts on the planet (Warcraft)
Yea go on find me one.
Saturday 26 February 2011
A night in
Town has taken it's toll the past few weeks so i'm having a night in.
This time last week i was being threatened with death by some guys who tried to queue jump. I was warned that i could be "buried in 10 minutes" by some lad half my size who thought it was ok for him to stroll to the front of the line but took issue when i blocked his path and said "it doesn't work like that mate" He wasn't my mate.
If we rationalise then it's plain to see i'm in the right. I've queued up, they haven't. Why then am i subjected to varied abuse ranging from fashion tips to violent threats from someone i've never met before? This is a night out is it? Nice one.
Once inside i set about the usual routine of gradually getting drunk enough to justify a foray on the dancefloor. Up until this point i'll usually stand on the fringe of the dancefloor with tears in my eyes. Am i having a good time? I don't even know anymore.
Later on we encounter these 2 guys again. Both seem intent on shaking hands and forgetting the silliness from earlier. I'm happy to let it go but refuse the handshake. We all got in. We don't need to pretend to buzz off each other. My blunt assessment doesn't sit well. Moments later a pint flies off the balcony and lands on my head. Wonder who could of threw that.
They win. I'll happily walk away. I can't do it anymore. There's too many people in town intent on causing bother. I've decided i can have a better night sat in watching match of the day. But can I???
Tonight i've rattled about the house as it gradually emptied with each member of the family embarking on their own night out.
I've watched MOTD and arsed about on the internet. Spent hours looking at pictures of Mark Speight and watching Celtic videos. I've concluded that Mark Speight was crackers and that i want to go to a Celtic game. Preferably Vs Rangers. Oh and i think i've discovered a new favourite drink...Morgan's spiced & coke.
I've got nothing else to do at the minute so this is keeping me occupied as i prolong my night. Apologies for the lack of structure but there's a few other things on my mind......
At work i keep seeing a bike outside one of the entrances. For some reason the seat is missing. The bike has now been labelled "the dildo bike" I don't fully understand it. The bike is quite scruffy so it seems strange that the owner would deem the seat so valuable they remove it for security reasons. So it only leaves one explanation.
On the way to work i see a Lollipop man and woman working the same patch but standing on different sides of the road. I'm intrigued as to whether or not they indulge in typical work smalltalk. I don't think i'd bother. Do they shout across the road "have a nice weekend" etc? Fuck that.
I've came to realise that i'll never grow credible facial hair.
Of all the times you hear the phrase "bored to tears" you don't actually appreciate just how bad it would be to be literally bored to tears.
Imagine being that bored that you started to cry.
If some kind of magic history TV genie said you can view footage of one historical event not caught on film. Top of my list would be to see someone being bored to tears.
If i had 3 wishes i think i'd have to see what really happened with OJ Simpson and what/who went down that fateful night at Barrymore's
It's 01:44
I'm going to bed....goodnight.
This time last week i was being threatened with death by some guys who tried to queue jump. I was warned that i could be "buried in 10 minutes" by some lad half my size who thought it was ok for him to stroll to the front of the line but took issue when i blocked his path and said "it doesn't work like that mate" He wasn't my mate.
If we rationalise then it's plain to see i'm in the right. I've queued up, they haven't. Why then am i subjected to varied abuse ranging from fashion tips to violent threats from someone i've never met before? This is a night out is it? Nice one.
Once inside i set about the usual routine of gradually getting drunk enough to justify a foray on the dancefloor. Up until this point i'll usually stand on the fringe of the dancefloor with tears in my eyes. Am i having a good time? I don't even know anymore.
Later on we encounter these 2 guys again. Both seem intent on shaking hands and forgetting the silliness from earlier. I'm happy to let it go but refuse the handshake. We all got in. We don't need to pretend to buzz off each other. My blunt assessment doesn't sit well. Moments later a pint flies off the balcony and lands on my head. Wonder who could of threw that.
They win. I'll happily walk away. I can't do it anymore. There's too many people in town intent on causing bother. I've decided i can have a better night sat in watching match of the day. But can I???
Tonight i've rattled about the house as it gradually emptied with each member of the family embarking on their own night out.
I've watched MOTD and arsed about on the internet. Spent hours looking at pictures of Mark Speight and watching Celtic videos. I've concluded that Mark Speight was crackers and that i want to go to a Celtic game. Preferably Vs Rangers. Oh and i think i've discovered a new favourite drink...Morgan's spiced & coke.
I've got nothing else to do at the minute so this is keeping me occupied as i prolong my night. Apologies for the lack of structure but there's a few other things on my mind......
At work i keep seeing a bike outside one of the entrances. For some reason the seat is missing. The bike has now been labelled "the dildo bike" I don't fully understand it. The bike is quite scruffy so it seems strange that the owner would deem the seat so valuable they remove it for security reasons. So it only leaves one explanation.
On the way to work i see a Lollipop man and woman working the same patch but standing on different sides of the road. I'm intrigued as to whether or not they indulge in typical work smalltalk. I don't think i'd bother. Do they shout across the road "have a nice weekend" etc? Fuck that.
I've came to realise that i'll never grow credible facial hair.
Of all the times you hear the phrase "bored to tears" you don't actually appreciate just how bad it would be to be literally bored to tears.
Imagine being that bored that you started to cry.
If some kind of magic history TV genie said you can view footage of one historical event not caught on film. Top of my list would be to see someone being bored to tears.
If i had 3 wishes i think i'd have to see what really happened with OJ Simpson and what/who went down that fateful night at Barrymore's
It's 01:44
I'm going to bed....goodnight.
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Something i learned today:
People who lick the tips of their fingers before turning a page repulse me more than people who get to the end of a bag of crisps then tilt their head back and pour in the remains.
Oh, and i also learned not to lend these people my things.
A 45p newspaper wrote off before i even got to read it.
Oh, and i also learned not to lend these people my things.
A 45p newspaper wrote off before i even got to read it.
Monday 14 February 2011
Happy Valentines day < 3
Were I seeing someone i'd probably get her some milk tray, tell her she's nectar and then put on "I don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith feat Bruce Willis.
Monday 7 February 2011
A Few Issues With The Postman Pat Specsavers Advert
It might seem like nitpicking but i've got a few gripes...
In the opening scene Pat gets in his Van and sits on his glasses, breaking them. Why wasn't he wearing them in the first place?
He appears far from concerned about the dangers of driving with impaired vision. Shrugging it off as a minor setback and remarking "duty calls", he drives off without fastening his seatbelt and crashes through a fence and a dry stone wall.
Pat dies instantly? Pat gets thrown from the vehicle and lays in agony picking shards of windscreen from his face? End of advert?
No. Miraculously he comes out unscathed, continuing his journey blissfully unaware of how close he came to the grave.
Once in town he stops to collect a sack of mail. Or at least what he thinks is a sack of mail.
Our hapless postman has in actual fact picked up a sack of miscellaneous vegetables. You could understand them looking similar but it's hard to believe his sense of feel could be so out of whack.
In further unrealistic scenes he then posts the vegetables through the Reverend's letterbox.(Defying physics in the process as many of them, namely the pumpkin wouldn't even fit)
How did he know where to post the veg? There were no addresses on them. At this point it becomes clear that vision is the least of his worries. The man has clearly gone nuts.
Last we see of him he passes a Policeman on the beat and follows a road signposted Calais.
Luckily for Pat, his care free attitude towards the chaos is mirrored by the Copper who rather than calling HQ for assistance merely quips "Should of gone to Specsavers Pat"
The ending is left open but i'd like to think he goes missing for a few weeks before washing up on the shores of Calais. Dead.
Make your own mind up.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfuLFBQTo4U
In the opening scene Pat gets in his Van and sits on his glasses, breaking them. Why wasn't he wearing them in the first place?
He appears far from concerned about the dangers of driving with impaired vision. Shrugging it off as a minor setback and remarking "duty calls", he drives off without fastening his seatbelt and crashes through a fence and a dry stone wall.
Pat dies instantly? Pat gets thrown from the vehicle and lays in agony picking shards of windscreen from his face? End of advert?
No. Miraculously he comes out unscathed, continuing his journey blissfully unaware of how close he came to the grave.
Once in town he stops to collect a sack of mail. Or at least what he thinks is a sack of mail.
Our hapless postman has in actual fact picked up a sack of miscellaneous vegetables. You could understand them looking similar but it's hard to believe his sense of feel could be so out of whack.
In further unrealistic scenes he then posts the vegetables through the Reverend's letterbox.(Defying physics in the process as many of them, namely the pumpkin wouldn't even fit)
How did he know where to post the veg? There were no addresses on them. At this point it becomes clear that vision is the least of his worries. The man has clearly gone nuts.
Last we see of him he passes a Policeman on the beat and follows a road signposted Calais.
Luckily for Pat, his care free attitude towards the chaos is mirrored by the Copper who rather than calling HQ for assistance merely quips "Should of gone to Specsavers Pat"
The ending is left open but i'd like to think he goes missing for a few weeks before washing up on the shores of Calais. Dead.
Make your own mind up.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfuLFBQTo4U
Sunday 6 February 2011
Corned Grief
If ever there was a headline that trivialised someones life....
Bob Wilson's son in law could of been the greatest man that ever lived.
But all people will remember is that he was "killed by corned beef"
Wouldn't food poisoning of sufficed?
Bob Wilson's son in law could of been the greatest man that ever lived.
But all people will remember is that he was "killed by corned beef"
Wouldn't food poisoning of sufficed?
Sunday 23 January 2011
Man those AVIVA adverts....
...HAHAHAHA!
What kind of zany character is Paul Whitehouse going to play next!
Oh.......
...the ghost of a deceased Father of 2, overseeing his family as they pack for their first holiday since his demise.
But somehow it's still the funniest of the lot.
What kind of zany character is Paul Whitehouse going to play next!
Oh.......
...the ghost of a deceased Father of 2, overseeing his family as they pack for their first holiday since his demise.
But somehow it's still the funniest of the lot.
Friday 21 January 2011
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Phoned "Lizzie" back this morning. Turns out it wasn't too late to apply and i was put through a phone interview with a view to appearing on the show.
She asked basic questions about my job, hobbies and lifestyle. Strangely enough she didn't seem overly interested in what I intended to serve the guests. Truth be told i'd like to give them a scunner's banquet - Corned beef cubes on cocktail sticks for starters, Rustler Burger for the main course, and a Curly Wurly for afters - I didn't say that of course, just said i had a few ideas.
Overall I think I did ok but struggled to think of a form of entertainment. But christ i've seen some episodes where the "entertainment" was fucking excruciating. The worst case being where some mosher lass was playing acoustic emo songs.
I've been getting a bit carried away actually. When i'm cooking now i'll talk through what i'm doing to an imaginery camera and then slag off my imaginery guests. Particularly Barry, who is getting on my tits.
Should probably try not to think about it. They'll just pick a bunch of dicks like the last time they came to Teesside.
She asked basic questions about my job, hobbies and lifestyle. Strangely enough she didn't seem overly interested in what I intended to serve the guests. Truth be told i'd like to give them a scunner's banquet - Corned beef cubes on cocktail sticks for starters, Rustler Burger for the main course, and a Curly Wurly for afters - I didn't say that of course, just said i had a few ideas.
Overall I think I did ok but struggled to think of a form of entertainment. But christ i've seen some episodes where the "entertainment" was fucking excruciating. The worst case being where some mosher lass was playing acoustic emo songs.
I've been getting a bit carried away actually. When i'm cooking now i'll talk through what i'm doing to an imaginery camera and then slag off my imaginery guests. Particularly Barry, who is getting on my tits.
Should probably try not to think about it. They'll just pick a bunch of dicks like the last time they came to Teesside.
Monday 17 January 2011
Today has been a bit odd.
A large chunk of it was spent under a sort of house arrest as i've been waiting in for a parcel to be delivered. The classic any time between 9-5. Despite having no plans it was a twat not having the freedom to go outside.
Indeed i have a week off work and was torn between spending it productively and just arsing around. It seems now that a mix of both is in occurance.
Turning 25 has been quite an eye opener. I'm running out of time to do things. There are certain songs in my CD collection i probably wont hear ever again. It's the same with films. I've been meaning to start watching the Sopranos, NYPD Blue and The Wire for ages. I haven't seen The Godfather 1,2, & 3, Taxi Driver or Inception despite having them all on DVD. I'm a disgrace and i'll have to start addressing that this week.
I checked my voicemail this evening and there was a message from "Lizzie" asking me to get in touch about casting for Come Dine With Me. I'd buzz my tits off if i got on there.
I think i've blew it already though. The message was left 5 days ago so it's probably too late. Also she'll of heard my crackers answer phone message which i recorded whilst having a shit. Hopefully i can rescue the situation in the morning : /
A large chunk of it was spent under a sort of house arrest as i've been waiting in for a parcel to be delivered. The classic any time between 9-5. Despite having no plans it was a twat not having the freedom to go outside.
Indeed i have a week off work and was torn between spending it productively and just arsing around. It seems now that a mix of both is in occurance.
Turning 25 has been quite an eye opener. I'm running out of time to do things. There are certain songs in my CD collection i probably wont hear ever again. It's the same with films. I've been meaning to start watching the Sopranos, NYPD Blue and The Wire for ages. I haven't seen The Godfather 1,2, & 3, Taxi Driver or Inception despite having them all on DVD. I'm a disgrace and i'll have to start addressing that this week.
I checked my voicemail this evening and there was a message from "Lizzie" asking me to get in touch about casting for Come Dine With Me. I'd buzz my tits off if i got on there.
I think i've blew it already though. The message was left 5 days ago so it's probably too late. Also she'll of heard my crackers answer phone message which i recorded whilst having a shit. Hopefully i can rescue the situation in the morning : /
Saturday 15 January 2011
Monday 10 January 2011
Monday 3 January 2011
Some of the worst stuff ever to appear on the internet.
Another year begins and still i find myself going out of my way to get irritated by shite on the internet.
I say this because I've recently been made aware of Facebooks worst aspect...
No, not tedious status updates - "knackered from the gym" are you? That's nice. How long do you want us to marvel for?
not "people you may know" - which is more a case of people i'm glad i don't know.
not the "newsfeed" becoming clogged with tedious photo albums with 100+ pictures from a standard night out in town. This is us in the bogs arsing around with the toilet roll, this is Claire sucking off a Tampon etc
not the amount of shameless online sleazery from horrible cunts. The moment a woman's relationship status changes to single there's always a hoard of awful male admirers offering their support. "awww u ok hun" etc
No, this is far worse...
They've been around for ages but i've never really paid that much attention to them until now. They were easy enough to dismiss before but now it's been pointed out to me just how bad they are, it's impossible to ignore the idiocy of it all.
I'm of course referring to the many horrendous "likes"
Particularly the relationship based statements idiots insist in immortalising via the creation of a fan page.
The statements often make little sense and are seen as inspirational mottos for absolute cretins to live their lives by.
I've listed a few below, there's some really poignant stuff here.......
Bacon is bacon. Eggs are eggs. Don't let a guy get between your legs. He says, "you're cute." he says, "you're fine." Nine months later, he says, "not mine. "
*Girl is crying*
Girl; I love you.Boy; I love you too baby.Girl; Prove it. Scream it to the world.Boy; *whispers in her ear* I love you.Girl; Why'd you say it to me?Boy; Because, you're my world(:
Girl:Do you like me? Boy:No Girl:Would you cry if i died? Boy:No Girl Runs away crying Boy:I dont like you i love you i wouldnt cry if u died i would kill myself ♥♥♥♥♥♥
Boy: so wyd babe ? Girl:nothin boutta go shopping you ?Boy says to himself : bitch you know your in yah house under the covers watching tv , so stop it -_-
Girl:who do you like? Boy:No one really. Girl:BULLSHIT ! Boy: no i really dont. Girl starts crying. Boy walks away with a smile on his face. like if you get it
I can't decipher what the majority are even about. Everything about this craic is fucking terrible.
Most of them are there purely so that one half of a pointless relationship can click like and the other half can see it in their feed and then reflect on his/her behaviour.
Essentially it's a hint "app".
We've come a long way haven't we?
I say this because I've recently been made aware of Facebooks worst aspect...
No, not tedious status updates - "knackered from the gym" are you? That's nice. How long do you want us to marvel for?
not "people you may know" - which is more a case of people i'm glad i don't know.
not the "newsfeed" becoming clogged with tedious photo albums with 100+ pictures from a standard night out in town. This is us in the bogs arsing around with the toilet roll, this is Claire sucking off a Tampon etc
not the amount of shameless online sleazery from horrible cunts. The moment a woman's relationship status changes to single there's always a hoard of awful male admirers offering their support. "awww u ok hun" etc
No, this is far worse...
They've been around for ages but i've never really paid that much attention to them until now. They were easy enough to dismiss before but now it's been pointed out to me just how bad they are, it's impossible to ignore the idiocy of it all.
I'm of course referring to the many horrendous "likes"
Particularly the relationship based statements idiots insist in immortalising via the creation of a fan page.
The statements often make little sense and are seen as inspirational mottos for absolute cretins to live their lives by.
I've listed a few below, there's some really poignant stuff here.......
Bacon is bacon. Eggs are eggs. Don't let a guy get between your legs. He says, "you're cute." he says, "you're fine." Nine months later, he says, "not mine. "
*Girl is crying*
Girl; I love you.Boy; I love you too baby.Girl; Prove it. Scream it to the world.Boy; *whispers in her ear* I love you.Girl; Why'd you say it to me?Boy; Because, you're my world(:
Girl:Do you like me? Boy:No Girl:Would you cry if i died? Boy:No Girl Runs away crying Boy:I dont like you i love you i wouldnt cry if u died i would kill myself ♥♥♥♥♥♥
Boy: so wyd babe ? Girl:nothin boutta go shopping you ?Boy says to himself : bitch you know your in yah house under the covers watching tv , so stop it -_-
Girl:who do you like? Boy:No one really. Girl:BULLSHIT ! Boy: no i really dont. Girl starts crying. Boy walks away with a smile on his face. like if you get it
I can't decipher what the majority are even about. Everything about this craic is fucking terrible.
Most of them are there purely so that one half of a pointless relationship can click like and the other half can see it in their feed and then reflect on his/her behaviour.
Essentially it's a hint "app".
We've come a long way haven't we?
Saturday 1 January 2011
A time for change
I've got 1 concrete New Year's resolution...
I'm going to try my hardest to avoid using the coinstar.
Last year poor financial management meant i faced humiliation on a regular basis at the hands of this awful machine.
For those not in the know, this is a machine which changes your coins for a cash voucher and charges a small comission fee. Not content with taking 8.9p in every pound however, it also requires you to trade in your dignity.
The ASDA machine used to be tucked away in the corner. This was fine. The risk of being seen was minimal, you could be a scunner without the shame. It was like closing the curtains and eating a tin of corned beef.
One day i turned up with a pringles tube full of coins, only much to my horror the machine was now located right in the middle of the entrance. Public shame. Dire.
But the embarassment doesn't stop there. When you go through the instructions on screen it beeps loud as fuck every time you press next. The worst aspect by far though is the introduction of an unbearable soundbite which plays once your money has been counted. For some reason it was deemed necessary to have some bloke say "cher ching!" in a ridiculously smug tone. Almost as if mocking you. It might as well go the whole hog and say "don't spend it all at once"
My last visit was a real eye opener. I arrived to find the machine in use and had to linger in the entrance area pretending to be interested in the special offers while some guy with a hold-all full of coins made a deposit. 10 minutes passed and still i could hear the rattle of coins. The guy now had an audience as the greeter had become enthralled in the action and was now coming out with encouraging slogans like "go on" and "he's on for the record" this went on for longer than i'd of liked but all i could do was clutch a Shrek DVD and peer over out the corner of my eye.
Eventually the situation came to a head when i heard the fateful "cher ching" and the Greeter proudly announce a grand total of £75 something or other.
That'd be a hard act to follow on the best of days and i was left feeling an even deeper sense of shame when my pringles tube yeilded a paltry £7.58.
What i saw that day has inspired me in more ways than one. I reckon i can break the £100 barrier and the longer i save the less frequent the humiliation.
2011 will be my year.
I'm going to try my hardest to avoid using the coinstar.
Last year poor financial management meant i faced humiliation on a regular basis at the hands of this awful machine.
For those not in the know, this is a machine which changes your coins for a cash voucher and charges a small comission fee. Not content with taking 8.9p in every pound however, it also requires you to trade in your dignity.
The ASDA machine used to be tucked away in the corner. This was fine. The risk of being seen was minimal, you could be a scunner without the shame. It was like closing the curtains and eating a tin of corned beef.
One day i turned up with a pringles tube full of coins, only much to my horror the machine was now located right in the middle of the entrance. Public shame. Dire.
But the embarassment doesn't stop there. When you go through the instructions on screen it beeps loud as fuck every time you press next. The worst aspect by far though is the introduction of an unbearable soundbite which plays once your money has been counted. For some reason it was deemed necessary to have some bloke say "cher ching!" in a ridiculously smug tone. Almost as if mocking you. It might as well go the whole hog and say "don't spend it all at once"
My last visit was a real eye opener. I arrived to find the machine in use and had to linger in the entrance area pretending to be interested in the special offers while some guy with a hold-all full of coins made a deposit. 10 minutes passed and still i could hear the rattle of coins. The guy now had an audience as the greeter had become enthralled in the action and was now coming out with encouraging slogans like "go on" and "he's on for the record" this went on for longer than i'd of liked but all i could do was clutch a Shrek DVD and peer over out the corner of my eye.
Eventually the situation came to a head when i heard the fateful "cher ching" and the Greeter proudly announce a grand total of £75 something or other.
That'd be a hard act to follow on the best of days and i was left feeling an even deeper sense of shame when my pringles tube yeilded a paltry £7.58.
What i saw that day has inspired me in more ways than one. I reckon i can break the £100 barrier and the longer i save the less frequent the humiliation.
2011 will be my year.
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